Masturbata

Parody of Los Del Rio – Macarena

by Adam Sandler

Sitting in my house, and I know that I’m alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it’s the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain’t enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don’t know where its been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I’m driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can’t get out the car cause I’m sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I’ve looked at Ms. November now I’m gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I’m makin’.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin’.
Hey, Masturbata!

 

Joke #18638

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.  Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.

She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, “Sorry, I was expecting the milkman.”

 

Joke #18542

One day a child at my four-year-old’s preschool class told her classmates that she needed a ‘damp towel.’

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, “If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?”

A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”

 

Scary Baby Retard

In the Year 2069, there was a young boy named Wilson.

Wilson was mentaly retarded, and he was a 9 year old trapped inside a 8 month old girl’s body. He often stutterd when he talked, and stumbled over cordless phones for his enjoyment. He had a very unusual temper.

What he does when his temper is temped is… You know what? How about I tell you a story about him, and maybe your heart will be touched by this bisexual scary baby….

One afternoon wilson was at school in his classroom. The teacher was not there,

And his teacher put HIM in charge. He was holding his crayon backwards and poking himself interproprietly on top op the teacher’s desk… naked. His friend Mark put in a CD, and turned up the volume. He jumped ontop of his desk and did the macceréna dressed up in a Cheetah thong, and then the song started… It was ‘Modanna’-I toch myself. Every child was watching Wilson and Mark do their thing, they did a cheer and it went like this:

BANG! BANG!

CHOO-CHOO TRAIN,

C ‘MON WILSON LETS SEE YOUR THANG!

Mark was a jelous little girl.. so she pushed Wilson off of the desk and threw an apple at his vapenis/pigina. Wilson screamed out the words “VERONICAAAAAA!” and he got up and his eyes glowed red. he took beer out of his back pack and drank it. He told him he is a ‘Drunken Master’ and he will do ‘Drunken Monkey’ on him. (for those of you who don’t know… Jackie Chan has a movie called ‘The Legend of Drunken Master’) So then they decided to fight ontop of the school roof and it was the talk of the school… The next day after school, Wilson dressed up in a Rainbow Robe with a Purple Towel Turbin. Un like Mark…. She was naked with a 2 foot bamboo stick connected to her penis. they faught and faught for hours. Wilson tripped over his third foot and fell off the roof. He got up and said “VERONICAAAAAA!” Finaly the princible asked why he said Veronica and didnt get up and fight. Wilson said, “Because.” the princible said, “Because why?” Wilson said, “Because I am having P.M.S, and whenever I get hurt I always say VERONICA!!!!” the princible asked, “Would u like some chocolate?”

Wilson got cunfuzzed and did the macceréna and blew up.

THE END

 

Y2K Checklist

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:

 

You’ve backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

 

You’ve put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

 

The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.

 

You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

 

You’re Amish.

———————————–

SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN’T Y2K READY:

 

It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.

 

The spell check replaces the word “You” with “Thou.”

 

It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake a potato.

 

The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use as a screen saver.

 

It needs to be updated to binary code.

 

 

Joke #5215: Mating Calls

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

 

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean.”

 

She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.”

 

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

 

The Huge Man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

 

Bob says, “No, what do you mean?”

 

“You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

 

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. “May I help you?”

 

Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”

 

“But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…”

 

“Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”