Quote #24499

At work, I was getting a call from Crios.  I was letting the phone ring a little bit longer than usual because I as typing something.  Right before the last ring I picked it up.

Crios (screaming):  PICK UP THE PHONE, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

davepoobond: Hi… how’s it going?

Crios: OH.  Sorry.  I wasn’t directing that at you, it was just a little road rage.

davepoobond: Oh, okay…

And then I helped him out with his issue.

 

The Whitman’s House: A Halloween Story

I wrote this in 6th grade for class.  I preserved all of the bad grammar and/or spelling errors that might be present.

I. There was always something strange about that house in Hintelville. The house in Hintelville is so weird every time someone walks past it they is scared to death! Every Friday the thirteenth all the ghosts attack the town of Hintelville … the town where Anthony lives.

II. “Hey guys if we’re going to get to Anthony’s house by sundown we have to go NOW!” Dave and Matt’s dad yelled

“Just a minute dad!” Dave said. Dave is twelve years old, he hopes something exciting will happen in his life. He can hack into any computer system, and he has black hair and hazel eyes. Dave’s brother, Matt, has black hair and hazel eyes, is 11 ½ years old, and he can program games on computers. Anthony is their favorite cousin. He is awesome, at age thirteen, and has cool ideas on how to have fun. Dave was stuffing their clothes in his gym bag while Matt was getting their laptop computer in his bag.

III. When they finally got to Anthony’s (from a two hour car trip), they rang Anthony’s doorbell. In a few minutes Anthony opened the door. He said, “Dave, Matt what are you doing here?”

“We’re going to stay over for two weeks! Isn’t that great?” Dave said.

Anthony said, “Come on in, I gotta talk to you about something.” When they went to Anthony’s room, Anthony closed the door and said, “It’s really bad that you came today.”

“Why” Matt asked.

“Because tomorrow is Friday the thirteenth. At the stroke of twelve the ghosts of the old Whitman house attack Hintelville. Every Friday the thirteenth we’ve been able to stop them from taking over the town.” Anthony answered.

IV. So tomorrow was Friday the thirteenth. Everybody in the town was ready for action. The people of Hintelville had made a little “army” outside. While Matt was outside with the “army” Dave stayed inside with the laptop. Suddenly Dave heard screams, gun shots, and more screaming. Then Dave looked back to the laptop and opened a file called “Ghost Houses.” There were about twenty houses. Dave typed in “Whitman” and then he saw the house! Dave looked down at the “What you should do to make the ghosts disappear”: 1.Call the Ghostbusters. 2.Get outta Hintelville. 3.Hack into the house’s computer system.

“Hey, wait a minute! Since when does a haunted house have a computer system?” Dave said. Dave heard a bloodcurdling scream. Dave pressed on “Hack’em!” At the bottom of the page. Inside the Whitman computer system, there was were many types of ghosts and everything. “So the ghosts are all computer holograms!” Dave said.

V. Then Dave rushed to the window and yelled, “Everybody head for the house!” Everybody listened to Dave and started racing to the house. Inside Dave put on a bullet proof vest that Anthony had left him just in case. He also took two hand guns and a machine gun. He also took a helmet. Then Dave scampered to the house for the final confrontation. When Dave got outside all the “ghosts” had suddenly disappeared!

VI. When Dave got to the house everybody was waiting for Dave him.

Then Anthony said, “So, are we going to get in or what?” When he said that, they started banging down the door and breaking windows to get in. When they got in they started ambushing the bad guy behind it all. They chased him through the house. Finally they caught him. It was some guy named Antonio Pilowpioosowsomething. He said, “Dang, I almost captured the town.”

THE END

 

Joke #18624: Chili Tester

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON: Momma…

 

Dead or Alive

This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:

 

INT. OFFICE – DAY

EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.

Doctor

(cautiously)

Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?

 

Eddie

(coldly)

Fine.

 

Doctor

Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?

 

Eddie

(shouting)

I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!

 

Doctor

(curiously)

What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?

 

The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.

 

Eddie

(calmly)

Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.

Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.

 

Tyrone

(angrily)

Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!

 

Eddie

Nowhere man..chill out.

 

Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.

 

Tyrone

You don’t know what you just did, do you?

 

Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That was probably the worst mistake I ever made

 

Doctor

What are you talking about?

 

Eddie

well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.

Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.

INT. CAR

The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.

 

Tomrone

You sure that’s the guy?

 

Tyrone

Shut up! I know it’s him!

 

Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.

 

Tyrone

All right, let’s go.

 

The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!

 

Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.

 

Doctor

(unbelievingly)

OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?

 

Eddie

(annoyed)

I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!

 

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.

 

Eddie

(bewildered)

What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?

 

People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.

 

Eddie

(scared)

Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.

 

Eddie

You understand what has happened so far don’t you?

 

Doctor

I’m not that sure. But please, go on.

 

Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.

 

Eddie

(solemnly)

That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.

 

Voice

IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.

 

Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

(reminiscing)

It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…

 

Doctor

(impatiently)

What? What happened after that?

 

Eddie

(enthusiastically)

God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!

 

Doctor

(sarcastically)

So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?

 

Eddie

(beginning to get angry)

You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?

 

Doctor

(calmly)

Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.

 

Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.

 

Doctor

(slowly with no feelings)

Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.

 

The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…

(end)

 


I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….

 

 

The Rabbit Who Pooped On Everyone

This is kinda weird. We got 2 different versions of this same story from 2 different people. We don’t know who the first person was.

——————————————

1st version:

One Day A Rabbit named FLUFFY was sitting in his round terdy dirhea palace ande the toilet was made of realy talking terds somtimes they hugged him and said”i wove you”so anyway fluffys owner was coming home and took him out and held him above her head and he pooped on her face with a SPLAT she said “bitching rabbit”!!!she ran inside to take a shower when she came back out she held him and spanked me after that he shot out a marbly little terd into her mouth and she GULPED IT and he pee’d the second after that and hit her in the nose and she said “IM KILLING YOU”!!but before she could his terdy toilet freinds came and they punched her THWOCK THWOCK and SPLAT SPLITTY SPLAT!!his little toilet freinds said “o gosh i wove u”and little old fluffy/he ate them and chewed with a gooshy sound of munch’in terds and they screamed “Basterd EE OUSE rabbit”!?!and fluffys freind FROSTY came over and greated Fluffy and Fluffy Greated Frosty and Frosty And Fluffy built an invention called the Poop-Mini-Gunner and sceintific name –POOPIOSE LE’TERD ODDER LORD OF STINKY POO MICK COLEMN HAIRY FAT MAN TERD–so they aimed it toward there town called Toilet city poo eee (they lived in the poopyis town of the underground Retard toilets for fat men and fat assed woman and always getting new poopy , slimy visitors each second and each time we great them as they slide down the slippery slide of pooey)AND SHOT THE CITY AND EVERYONE GREW INTO THE BROWNIST BROWNEY TERDS IN THE WORLD!! ALSO ONE REMINDER the biggest TeRd in the town is stanly who came from a 560Pound SUmo wrestler THE END))))”””””

—————————————

2nd version:

One Day Fluffys owner was coming home and she took him out and said “hi”i pooped on her face and she yelled at me and said”YOU rabbIT YOU”she went to take a shower and came back and said”IM SPANKING YOU FLUFFY”before she could i pooped a little marbly terd and it went in her mouth and she gulped it and she was so frusterated she pulled down her pants and farted on me and after that i peed on here face then she ran inside to take another shower and i made an invention while she was in the shower i called it the poop shooter i aimed ot at her shower window and SPLAT then THWOCK i broke the glass and it hit her in the nose and splatted a huge mushy dirhea splatter all on here nose she inhaled it and puked at the marbly terd i escaped by opening the lach and brought my poop shooter and made 90 terds combinded and shot it at the city THWOCK the city blew up with a dirheaish fireworks and everyone thought they saw Hamtaro (from the CarttonNetwork at 8:30AM and the 4:00PM show)shoot it and everyone in the city got out spears and arrows (BY THE WAY HAMTARO IS A HAMSTER)and Hamtaro said “crum crumb crum” and EVERYONE stabbed him and HAMTAROS eyes popped out and plopped on the floor with a splitty splat splitty noise and his balls fell off and everyone ate dirhea to surrvive but saddly little fluffy had to much fluffyness and killed everyone who looked at his fizzzy,fuzzy,fluffy,soothing,touching,scottish,dirheashish furr so everyone DIED IN A DIRHEAISH DEATH

THE EMD KIDS AND ADULTS

 

Scary Baby Retard

In the Year 2069, there was a young boy named Wilson.

Wilson was mentaly retarded, and he was a 9 year old trapped inside a 8 month old girl’s body. He often stutterd when he talked, and stumbled over cordless phones for his enjoyment. He had a very unusual temper.

What he does when his temper is temped is… You know what? How about I tell you a story about him, and maybe your heart will be touched by this bisexual scary baby….

One afternoon wilson was at school in his classroom. The teacher was not there,

And his teacher put HIM in charge. He was holding his crayon backwards and poking himself interproprietly on top op the teacher’s desk… naked. His friend Mark put in a CD, and turned up the volume. He jumped ontop of his desk and did the macceréna dressed up in a Cheetah thong, and then the song started… It was ‘Modanna’-I toch myself. Every child was watching Wilson and Mark do their thing, they did a cheer and it went like this:

BANG! BANG!

CHOO-CHOO TRAIN,

C ‘MON WILSON LETS SEE YOUR THANG!

Mark was a jelous little girl.. so she pushed Wilson off of the desk and threw an apple at his vapenis/pigina. Wilson screamed out the words “VERONICAAAAAA!” and he got up and his eyes glowed red. he took beer out of his back pack and drank it. He told him he is a ‘Drunken Master’ and he will do ‘Drunken Monkey’ on him. (for those of you who don’t know… Jackie Chan has a movie called ‘The Legend of Drunken Master’) So then they decided to fight ontop of the school roof and it was the talk of the school… The next day after school, Wilson dressed up in a Rainbow Robe with a Purple Towel Turbin. Un like Mark…. She was naked with a 2 foot bamboo stick connected to her penis. they faught and faught for hours. Wilson tripped over his third foot and fell off the roof. He got up and said “VERONICAAAAAA!” Finaly the princible asked why he said Veronica and didnt get up and fight. Wilson said, “Because.” the princible said, “Because why?” Wilson said, “Because I am having P.M.S, and whenever I get hurt I always say VERONICA!!!!” the princible asked, “Would u like some chocolate?”

Wilson got cunfuzzed and did the macceréna and blew up.

THE END

 

The Sewer Farm

Denice, Clemintine, and Momma are living on a farm full of raw sewage. Rivers of sewage flow through there large farm. Momma came out to the mud fields where Denice was digging. It seemed unsuccessful.

“The plants aren’t growing Mum,” blurted Denice!

“Did you use seeds,” asked Denice.

“Ohhhh.”

A truck pulled up. It was Poppa! He was holding five hundred dollars! Momma started a yellin!

“I told you to trade your ring for new shoes, how could you get a pair of shoes with five hundred dollors?!?!” Screamed Momma. “Denice go put the money in the bird cage.”

Clemintine comes back with a fishing rod. and a pair of old boots. They look really burnt up and dirty.

“All I could fish out of the sewer today was these boots,” stated Clemintine.

They decided to go on a slide. They dug up a sewer pipe, cut it open, and jumped in. Afterwards they went a watched the sewage burn tires into a liquid!

To be continued…..