California Water Saving Tips

California is in a perpetual drought.  We need tips!  Tips that will help save water!!!

– There are a number of ways to save water, and they all start with you.

– Rip out all of your grass. Dirt needs to be watered a lot less than grass.

– Use only paper plates and plastic-ware.  Water isn’t used to make those things.

– If you want to take a 15-minute shower, just don’t eat a hamburger.  You save water in what is probably a completely different state than California, and you don’t have to feel bad about it.  Those damn cows drink as much water as a 25 minute shower at least.

– Only use water from water bottles, they are probably not from California, maybe.  The likelihood goes up if you buy something labeled as a foreign country or place.

– Use vodka to make your Kool-Aid.

– Don’t drink water, drink your own sweat. It’s like recycling your own water.

– Bathe in fire.  It kills more germs.

– If you take a shit, remove the shit from the water, take it to work and flush it there.

– Wash your hands with your pee.

– Import ice from the North Pole/Antarctica.  It is melting anyway.

– Move out of California.

– Continue to disappoint your mother and harvest her tears.

– Shoot people who use water.

– Travel back in time and use the water before its gone.

– Use only your hands to drink water.

– Don’t eat fruits or vegetables.  You won’t waste water having to wash them.

– Keep a pitcher of water next to the toilet, that way any toilet water that splashes out goes down you and not on the floor.

– Reuse leftover water from the nuclear reactor to cook your spaghetti.

– Don’t cook food that requires water.

– Don’t buy fruits or vegetables that originate from California.

– Freeze water, that way it expands and you will have more water.

– Wash your laundry in another State.

– Don’t wash your clothes.  Use them one time and then return it to the store.

– Don’t take a shower.  You’ll save like a bajillion gallons of water a month.

– Put food coloring in your toilet.  It will mask the unpleasant color your unflushed piss and poo water will create naturally.  Don’t let FoodBabe know.

– Upgrade older toilets with rocket capability.

– Turn off the water while you brush your teeth.  That will save 40 gallons a minute.  That’s up to 250,000 gallons a day for a family of 6748.

– If your toilet was installed before 1992, thank the plumber.

– Consider a dual-flush toilet.  It will flush your toilet twice and use twice as much water.

– Take showers instead of luxurious baths.  You’re getting clean here, and only babies take baths.

– Don’t have children that use water.  Birth only dirt babies.

– Avoid having fun with water.  Fun wastes water.

– Avoid recreational water toys, they use water.

– See a leak you can’t fix?  Learn how to by going to plumber’s trade school for a year.

– Steal your water from a multinational corporation that isn’t based in California.

– Remove the cement from your driveway so that water can flood your home and not drain into the ocean.

– Start calling California “Arizona” instead of “California.”

– Plant alien plants that require human blood to live.

– Consider converting your home into an alien spaceship that does not require water to run.

– Start a compost pile in your bedroom.  This keeps the compost pile from evaporating its precious water.

– Don’t jerk off in the shower anymore.  Or just jerk off without the water on and then clean up afterwards.

– Plant water-hating plants.

– Hire the 10 year old kid next door to rip out your irrigation system.

– Catch water in an empty tuna can.  Then drink it.

– Use your hanging basket plants as pinatas.

– Only have sex in the Jacuzzi, the swimming pool needs too much water.

– Make your swimming pool tacky by removing waterfalls and stupid bullshit that makes it look nice.  Then you won’t want to swim in your pool anymore and you will contemplate just getting rid of the whole thing.

– Get rid of pesky pets that need water to survive.  Pet Rocks are coming back in style.

– Post a hotline in bathrooms that people can call so they can finish their shits faster.  I don’t know how this saves water, but I can at least take a shit since I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes!  God damn!

– Water-shame people who keep water in a bottle that is clearly not purchased from a store new.

– Do not drink processed water, it is unhealthy for you, similar to processed meats.  It is not as nature intended!

– Clean water is man-made, therefore it is unnatural and unhealthy!  It takes a lot of water to make clean water.

– Don’t put water inside water.  You lose the water you are putting inside of the water as it becomes just one water.

– Appoint a water ambassador to the ocean and beg it for rain.

– Marry or seduce a televised meteorologist and convince them to say there will be rain coming on the news even if it isn’t true.

– Strike up a conversation with a plumber and ask them how the plumber the seven seas.

– Lick dishes of their food and dirt instead of rinsing with water.  You can also get a dog to do this.

– A recent study showed people care about water usage.  Ain’t that cool?

– Destroy all decorative fountains you see.  Especially ones that are not yours.

– Don’t wash your car ever.

– Pee in the shower.

– Pee outside.  Select a private space near a bush you don’t particularly like and go at it.

– Don’t let children maintain a swimming pool.  They suck at math.  It is dangerous because they might miscalculate how much water to put in the swimming pool and that would suck for when you were having sex in there.  There is also a higher chance of them seeing you since they are responsible for the swimming pool.

– Get your girlfriend wet everyday and then water the plants with her.

– Start using wet humor instead of dry humor.  Or in this case, drought humor.

– Kill anyone who is doing a rain dance in California, they are obviously failing and are probably making things worse with their awful dancing.  Then water the plants with their blood.  It rained after all!

– Grow some clouds and then explode them all over your plants.

– No more sex in the shower.  Or just have the water off if you have sex in there.

– Lick things clean, such as your car or yourself.

 

Dream #23034: The Moon Blew Up

I wrote this in 2002.

I had a dream that I was out in the desert or something. The sand was red and there weren’t any trees, but big rocks every so often. There were a lot of people there, and there were a lot of houses. I wasn’t too far from my house. I looked up at the moon (which was very close). It was really hot, and the moon turned around pretty fast, and it looked the same except it had its own “red eye storm” like Jupiter. It’s kind of hard to describe. Anyway I pointed it out to my mom, and she said “that’s normal, they throw all our trash up there, you know?”

I thought “hmm, all that plastic up there is burning making it hot down here…” It seemed like it was raining fire from the moon. All of a sudden, it blew up. Everyone started screaming and went back inside their homes. After the moon rocks fell, I went over to my friends house, and there was my Grandma. She said his family wasn’t there because my friend was at the hospital. She pointed out the window shutters on the window, and said something about how cheap they were because a rock fell through. Then she disappeared.

Then it rained rocks again.  Afterwards, I was crying and I turned on the TV. To get my mind off everything, I turned on the TV and watched cartoons, while there was another TV with the news on. It had a bunch of people talking about the moon blowing up, and how it was more horrible than September 11. The rocks fell again all of a sudden for the last time. I went outside to see what happened, and there were a lot of people on hospital beds, screaming because trash and rock shot into their body.

I woke up then. What a weird dream. I could barely describe it all. You should’ve dreamed it yourself…to truly understand.

 

Squacklecast Episode 7 – “FUCK the Strawberry Festival!”

This entry is part 7 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends.  They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings.  Gross!

Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste.  It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

Cool Knife

Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact?  It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies.  If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers.  They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

Independence Day 2 or even 3?  Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

 

Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks.  How do you like that, mother fuckers!?  Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar

Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean.  Or something.  You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible.  You should watch it.  It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time.  That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay.  And obviously not as good looking.

Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties.  But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

 

And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA?  Fuck that shit!  How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there.  No one freakin lives there anyway.  So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.

Gobi Plastic Desert

See you guys next week! :licky:

 

Quote #22148

::Stephen looks at a closed case of cologne.::

Stephen: Oh, Gucci?

::Stephen reaches forward to grab the cologne but his hand is blocked by the plastic locked door.::

Stephen: Oh, what?  I thought it was open!  It looked like it ended right above!

::Stephen proceeds to cover up how dumb he was to do that, but Ely and I just keep laughing at him.::

– at davepoobond’s job, 5/30/2007

 

Quote #21026

“When I was young, I remember how much better things were made. Things were not made of cheap plastic but of metal. You got a feeling you had something solid, rather than something that would last only a few months. I remember when Uncle Harry banged his car into a wall, it hardly had a dent. But now you can just barely hit a car and you see some very visible damage. The trouble is that nobody complains. People are satisfied with poorer materials even though they might even be more expensive than the previous cheaper ones. Or maybe people fool themselves into thinking that the newer items are better. After all, metal rusts, plastic is lighter to carry, and most people have good car insurance.”

– from a book