Dialogue Between a Hillbilly Husband and Wife (very dramatic)

Maw: Paw, git up.  It’s time to fuck the hogs and milk the trees.

Paw: Milk the trees???  Listen, I milked them last night.

Maw: Well, git up.  Listen, the old red cow is crowing.

Paw: What’s fer breakfast?  Corn pone and black-eyed poop?

Maw: No.  I got some nice fried beer belly.

Paw: Good.  After breakfast I’ll slap the chickens and I’ll have to fix the still.

Maw: What’s wrong with the still?

Paw: It’s turning out pee instead of moonshine.  I think I’ve been putting too much meat in the mash.

Maw: Well, don’t forget to take your rifle, Paw.  If a Revenue Agent spots you you can shoot him in the arse.


The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs who decided to build themselves houses.  The first pig was mooned and he built his house of farts.  The second pig worked very fart-like and built a house of of yahoos.  But the third pig was punched.  He built his house out of losers and acid piss.  Then one day a big wolf came along.  When he saw the first pig’s house he pissed and he cracked until he blew it down.  Then he blew down the second pig’s treasure.  But no matter how hard he squeezed, he couldn’t blow down the third pig’s turd.

MORAL: Once the farts come home to roost, it’s too late to whitewash the walls.


The Pig Test

You have only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.

1. Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.

2.  Don’t look at the results before you have drawn the pig.


Okay, are you ready? Oink, let’s start. Scroll to the bottom for the results after you drew a pig.

Pig Test Results

If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient and suspicious.

If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded, sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot of risks.

If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.

If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold on to your plans.

If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.

The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen to other people — the bigger the better…

And finally the pig’s tail should tell you something about your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the… what, forgot the tail? No, it’s absolutely impossible to do the test again.