The Sour Lemon Lady

This entry is part 25 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady came and asked if there was a graduation tassel on hold for her and it was supposed to be at customer service for her. I said I didn’t have anything like that for her (asking her name and what kind it was supposed to be).  She said that she talked to the manager directly about it and she had gotten a call from “some girl with a fancy name” last week and told them to hold it, even though she had gotten it months before.  So I spent about 5 to 10 minutes trying to track down the manager (he wasn’t there), then asked if any of the gear representatives knew about any tassel on hold for this lady by the manager.  No one knew.

I eventually asked the gear department supervisor if she knew where the manager would put something like that and she said she didn’t know, so she called him, left him a message, and we waited for him to call.  In the mean time I went back and told the lady we don’t know anything about this item and I resumed to ask the lady for her number so we can call her back when we found out more info about it.

The manager calls during this time and says he didn’t know anything about it, so we ask the lady again who called her and asked her how she paid for it. She eventually says she did a phone order, which would still imply that a gear department rep would have helped her. The supervisor asked me if Web would have it, but I told her they would only have it if THEY did the web order, not if the lady had talked to the gear manager about it since they are COMPLETELY different departments with different procedures and managers. So the lady looked through her call log to see who called her, and it was the web department.

Once we found that out, I said I would call them, and then the lady accused me all of a sudden — “SEE YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED THEM, SHE WAS TELLING YOU THAT WEB HAD DONE IT OVER AND OVER BUT YOU SAID NO NO NO NO”

All I could say was “Ummm…”  I eventually called Web and they brought down her stupid tassel and she left.

LIKE ITS MY FUCKING FAULT SHE DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW WHO SHE TALKED TO AND SHE SAID THAT PETER KNEW ALL ABOUT IT BUT HE DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

FUCK THAT LADY FUCK HER

 

Local Exchange: An Eruption of Stupidity

Based off the following post:

http://squackle.com/22567/screwed-up-chronicles/daves-kingdom/scam-call-from-local-exchange/

Harry Brown and Mildred Jacklesmith once had a great idea.

“Why don’t we scam people?” Harry Brown said.

Mildred, obviously in agreement, shouted at the top of her lungs.  “YESSSS!!!!!”

And so a company was born.  It was named Local Exchange and it was in San Dimas, California.  Or maybe it was in Villaverde.  Is that even a city?  To tell you the truth no one really knows what city it actually is in.  Not that it matters because absolutely all of their business would be conducted over the phone.

Local Exchange invested in a phone number that provided unlimited calling and texting.  Obviously, to scam people you need to call them unlimitedly and text them non-stop.  Otherwise, the whole scam thing doesn’t really seem very scammish!

The first order of business was to create the scam.  The scam of all scams.  A scam that everyone would believe but only the smart people would question and only the smart people would see it was a scam.  People who were smarter than them, even.  But that’s not the target market, now, is it?

The scam had been planned out in a matter of days.  First, they would call a random number and ask to speak to the “owner of the phone” to make it sound official.  Once they had the owner of the phone, they would tell them about the grand prize they had won and how everyone knows them locally but to get notoriety in different parts of the country, they were expanding their random 6-day cruise prize to different areas of California.

Once the person had given them their credit card information and social security number, they would hang up and begin to apply for credit cards and home loans with their information and take out cash advances.  And then they would invest that money into online payment systems.

Yes, life was grand in the most successful scamming company of all time.  Local Exchange posted huge profits and Harry and Mildred bought huge mansions once owned by drug dealers who fell victim to the scams.  Poor drug dealers lost their drug dens, but they weren’t the only victims to the grandest scam of all time.

I will now tell you about a lady who was down on her luck.  She thought she was the luckiest person in the world and won a free 6-day cruise to New York from California.  Oh, what a joyous occasion it was.  And all she had to give them was her name, address, social security number, and driver’s license number.  Overnight, this wonderful, nice lady had transformed into a blathering hobo asking for change at bus stop benches.  The day before she had been a worker at McDonald’s but when it came about that another Emelia Prancasa applied for a job at Burger King across the street with the same information as “Our” Emelia, that’s when McDonald’s fired her.  They couldn’t have a worker working at two fast food restaurants at the same time.  That would be espionage in the making!

Poor Emelia.  She can no longer work at any fast food restaurant because she became the most notorious fast food restaurant quadruple agent ever to be known.  Too bad she wasn’t hot cause she was quite ugly and not very attractive to boot.  Sometimes ugly people can be attractive, but sometimes they are just stupid.  Like Emelia.  Because she thought she won a 6-day cruise when in fact she won nothing and lost it all.

The end.

Moral:  Don’t give away your private information to random people who call you on the phone telling you you won a 6-day cruise.

 

Scam Call From Local Exchange

I had some scammer call a number at work during the beginning of May saying how I had won some cruise or whatever and they want to give me tickets to fly anywhere in the US.

I kept asking “What?” and “Who is this?” and they kept repeating.  The lady had a terribly Mexican accent, so it was half-truth that I could barely understand her over the speakerphone.

All together, I made her wait around on the phone for like 10 mintues before I put her on mute and came back, pretending to be the “owner” of the phone.

As soon as I turned the phone off mute, I asked for their Full Company name, full name of the person calling, the city they are from, their web site, etc without giving any information at all on my end.

What I gathered, they are named:

“Local Exchange”  (pretty generic name, don’t you say?) and they are from San Dimas or Villaverde and “of course” they are from California.

I asked for their web site and she was very hesitant to give me anything and when I asked her again like 3 times, she said, “Of course we have a web site” and then hung up on me.

So, if you get a call from 909-575-1068, then you will know that it is a scam.  They have yet to call the number back, from what I know.  So that’s that.

As a result of this call, I wrote the following story for your enjoyment:

http://squackle.com/22568/stories/local-exchange-an-eruption-of-stupidity/

 

Quote #22152

This entry is part 20 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Man With Moustache: When are you guys going to get more of these bobble heads?

Blanker: I don’t know, we get lots of requests for it…

davepoobond: We’ll never get them again, they never order them because that would be too smart.

Blanker: Also, no one even bought them when we had them in stock the first time.

Man With Moustache: Ohhh!  I would buy one…

Blanker: Haha, we’ll give you a call when they come in.

Man With Moustache: Oh, thanks.

davepoobond: Yeah, we’ll give you a call when they come in.  You don’t even have to leave your phone number.

– at davepoobond’s job, 6/3/07

 

Bad Pick Up Lines

– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?

– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.

– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.

– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?

– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?

– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.

– Are your legs tired?  You’ve been running through my mind all day long.

– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

– Your awfly perrrtay.

– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.

– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.

– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.

– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!

– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!

– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.

– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?

– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

You Know You’re Sick When…

You know you’re sick when…

– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”

– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.

– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.

– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.

– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis

– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”

– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.

– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on

– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.

– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.

– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.

– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.

– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”

– you get bees up your pants regularly.

– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.

– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.

– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”

You know someone in your family is really sick when…

– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.

– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.

– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.

– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.

– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.

– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.