Joke #21206: Soy Toy

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

 

Forever Repressed: Dog in My Way, Part I

Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.

Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.

Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.

Sussman: Why would I want to do that?

Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.

Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)

Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.

(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)

Sophie: What the hell?

Sussman: I want to watch TV.

Sophie: Keep petting me!

Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.

Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.

Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.

Sophie: That sucks.

Sussman: You suck!

The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!

Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.

Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.

Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?

Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!

Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!

Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.

Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!

Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.

Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.

Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)

(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)

 

WoW Chat #21142: Slushie -> davepoobond

In the trade chat channel, in World of Warcraft, I was spouting:

“WTS [Fiery Warhorse’s Reins] mount RUN – 250g or best offer, pst! If it drops its yours! READ THIS BEFORE WHISPERING ME”

Slushie: So wait….you’re asking people to pay you 250g up front for the 1% chance at a mount drop that can easily be soloed by any 85?

davepoobond: yes

davepoobond: im glad you caught on

Slushie: Havent gotten any bites have you

davepoobond: yes, by people who can’t read

Slushie: yeah get used to that

davepoobond: no shit

davepoobond: i make my money solely on exploiting the retards in this game

davepoobond: it brightens my day knowing there’s someone of lesser intelligence than i

 

Quote #21137

This entry is part 16 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::davepoobond rings up a Scantron for a girl.  It comes out to 27 cents and she dumps her crap on the counter, digging through her huge purse trying to get change.::

Girl (in a seemingly joking manner): “Sorry, I’m so disorganized”

davepoobond: “Oh, it’s okay.  I charge five dollars for overnight parking.”

Girl (really angry all of a sudden): “I’M NOT GOING TO BE HERE THAT LONG!”

::Girl pays for her Scantron and leaves::

– at davepoobond’s job