“IF YOU JUST WANT SEX, GET THE FVCK OFF OF MY PAGE. SICK OF MEETING YOU JERKS & THATS ALL YOU WANT. YOU’RE BETTER OFF JUST WACKIN IT TO MY PICTURES THEN!”

- from a girl’s dating profile

Tags: dating, girl, masturbate, profile, sex

“If you’re going to jerk off why be quiet about it?”

- Korrash

Tags: Diablo III, masturbate

Tagged People: Korrash

autoeroticism – n. self-stimulation of the genitals or other areas of the body for the purpose of sexual gratification.  This is basically a more intense form of masturbation.

Tags: autoeroticism, masturbate, noun, sex activity

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Answer the next 10 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.

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Total up how many of each Introvert and Extrovert answers you’ve selected.

If you’ve chosen more answers that are marked as Introvert, then you’re a loner.  Get some friends.  Or play volleyball.

If you selected more answers that are marked as Extrovert, then you’re an asshole.  You might want to keep yourself a little contained, you try-hard.

If you chose more of the third answer in this quiz, then you are either extremely lame or really really crazy.

Tags: baseball, basketball, bicycle, bus, cardboard, class, cup, dildo, face, football, hamburger, hand, hockey, laugh, lotion, masturbate, party, pillow, running, skiing, swimming, teacher, volleyball, water

Parody of Los Del Rio – Macarena

by Adam Sandler

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Sitting in my house, and I know that I’m alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it’s the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain’t enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don’t know where its been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I’m driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can’t get out the car cause I’m sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I’ve looked at Ms. November now I’m gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I’m makin’.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin’.
Hey, Masturbata!

Tags: bacon, banana, carrot, chicken, hand, masturbate, November, tomato, towel

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Tags: fat, grandma, masturbate, old, pig, women

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Tags: hand job, masturbate, oral sex, sex

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Tags: lotion, masturbate

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Tags: beaver, gay, masturbate, mom

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Tags: head, masturbate, platypus, poop

“we consider it illegal to masturbate in front of women in this state”

- COPS

Tags: COPS, masturbate, television, women

“you’re too old to be masturbating”

- from the TV

Tags: masturbate, television

“I masturbate to the Teletubbies!”

- from the TV

Tags: masturbate, Teletubbies, television

“make yourself happy”

- Dr. OldNBald

Tags: masturbate

Tagged People: Dr. OldNBald

There’s this cat, right.  And he likes to harass this mouse, see.  And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment.  This cat is like a bible basher, but worse.  He’s a murderer.

The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house.  But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse.  Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse.  It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.

Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat.  But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat.  Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.

So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm.  He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat.  Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.

Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.

Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him.  But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt.  Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.

The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird.  The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl.  Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill.  Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?

The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole.  To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside.  So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.

The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea.  Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house.  So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake.  Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”

Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.

Tags: A DPB Tag, barrel, bible basher, cat, cheesecake, Dave's Notes, lawsuit, masturbate, murderer, prostitute