“Katy Perry – Dark Horse” Breakdown

This entry is part 13 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

To continue on the earlier thought that practically every song Katy Perry sings is about Katy Perry taking it from a very large penis in some shape or form, her recent single “Dark Horse” is also about a big penis slapping the shit out of her ovaries.   In this edition of Dave’s Breakdown, we’ll go over the lyrics of this song with a fine toothed-comb.

[Juicy J:]
“Yeah / Ya’ll know what it is / Katy Perry / Juicy J, aha. / Let’s rage”

Okay this part is your normal introduction of the “guest” singer in a song.  So we have it established that this guy “Juicy J” is the object of Katy Perry’s lower abdominal discomfort.  As his name implies, he probably has a very large, juicy penis.  Or at least, that’s what we’re supposed to believe.

[Katy Perry:]
“I knew you were / You were gonna come to me”

Well, you can’t get more blunt than this.  This guy is “cumming” to her!

“And here you are / But you better choose carefully”

Choosing what, you might ask?  I’m guessing anal or vagina.  You have to choose carefully because if you go anal you can’t go vagina unless you trade out the condom because then there will be shit on the condom and putting shit into a vagina isn’t nice for anyone.

“‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything / Of anything and everything”

She’s open to every position you can think of, and she is very flexible.

“Make me your Aphrodite / Make me your one and only / But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy”

Something about not being open to threesomes.

“So you wanna play with magic / Boy, you should know what you’re falling for”

Play with “magic” being semen swirling inside of her vagina.  Falling, because when she squirts, she squirts with such force she’ll make you fall backwards.

“Baby do you dare to do this?”

It is pretty dangerous because her vagina/ass is very tight.

“Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse”

Now, here it is.  She is riding the “you” in the song like a horse, but a dark one.  Because you didn’t expect her to be so easily fuckable.

“Are you ready for, ready for / A perfect storm, perfect storm”

She’s so perfect in bed, the sheets will wrap up like a tornado or something, and you can’t get out until you rip a tendon.

“Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine / There’s no going back”

Once you decide to go steady with her, anal is off the table.

“Mark my words / This love will make you levitate”

Your semen is going to “levitate” cause you’re going to be laying down while she’s riding you like a (dark) horse.

“Like a bird / Like a bird without a cage / But down to earth / If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away”

You can’t leave until you make her squawk like a bird.

“It’s in the palm of your hand now baby / It’s a yes or no, no maybe / So just be sure before you give it all to me / All to me, give it all to me”

Katy Perry’s ovaries are in your hands and you have to put them back inside her vagina, fertilized.

[Juicy J – Rap Verse:]
“Uh / She’s a beast / I call her Karma (come back) / She eats your heart out / Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo) / Be careful / Try not to lead her on / Shorty’s heart is on steroids / Cause her love is so strong / You may fall in love / When you meet her / If you get the chance you better keep her / She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart / She’ll turn cold as a freezer / That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor / She can be my Sleeping Beauty / I’m gon’ put her in a coma / Woo!”

Translation:  Wear a condom or you’re fucked in more ways than one.  Knight in shining “armor” indeed…

“Damn I think I love her / Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care”

Not even trying to hide that this part is about a penis.

“She ride me like a roller coaster / Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)”

Usually roller coasters come with lots of safety precautions, but once you’re set up, its going to be up and down, up and down, up and down, and possibly barfing at the end because of all the nausea/gagging.  There will also be lots of gross food and cotton candy pubic hair.

“Her love is like a drug / I was tryna hit it and quit it / But lil’ mama so dope / I messed around and got addicted”

Funny how they use a word that has the word “dick” in it at the end of this verse.

In conclusion, Katy Perry has big boobs, but now her songs are more about being exclusive to one person and getting only one person to fuck her brains out in a consistent relationship rather than as a fleeting one night stand like in her song “Firework.”

 

“Immigration Interview” Breakdown

This entry is part 6 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I kid you not, this is the exact text from which I found on a poster board at my high school.  The spelling and grammar errors are exactly as they appeared on this poster board.  I found this around 2004, and wrote up my part of the article when posting.

“An interview with Helen
Made by her son Michael

Q: What was your impression of America before today?
A: peaceful life and today my view of America is I hope there are no more wars

I don’t even know where to begin.  How is it a view of America to “hope there are no more wars”?  You make it sound like America has always been in a war.  I guess we’ve been in one for 10 years, and since this was answered around 2004, guess you’re very not impressed by America anymore or something.

“Q: Why did you leave Burma so suddenly?
A: a riot broke out in the city I was living in from a group from Chinese government”

One riot and that makes you get on a boat and go 5000 miles across an ocean?  I’m sure there’s something more, I don’t know, MEANINGFUL to pick from a list of reasons for leaving Burma.

“Q: if you went back in time and if did not have to any place you went what would it be?
A: China”

You’re not even from fucking-China.  You’re from fucking Burma!  Also, what the fuck kinda question is that to ask?  Who the fuck cares if she can go back in time to an indistinct era to just “go somewhere.”  What the fuck is she gonna do by going back in time?

“Q: Why did you immigrate to Canada instead straight to America
A: the weather was good and there are many more job opportunity”

So, when you got on the boat to go to Canada, they handed you a brochure which outlined “the weather is good” and “there are many more job opportunity?”  How the fuck do you know that if you’re getting on a boat in Burma?

“Q: what the reason that most of your family members stayed in Canada instead of coming down?
A: the health care union was very good”

And I guess you didn’t care enough about health care which prompted your movement to the United States?  I don’t get it.  If you were so inclined to move, then why not the rest of your family?  This is about as ridiculous as the reason you chose to leave Burma.  This woman sounds very finicky.

“Q: in your opinion how is life in the United States differ from life in Canada?
A: there is more stress in America while in Canada it is more of a relaxing life”

Not only does she leave Canada for nondescript reasons, she says Canada is BETTER than the United States.  Why the fuck didn’t she just go back to Canada if it was too stressful for her?

“Q: if there were no riots in Burma would you have still made the immigration to America?
A: most likely because I wanted a better life”

Yeah, right!  You just said the only reason you left Burma was because of the riots.  I don’t think you actually know what you would have even done.  How would you know if the weather was good or not if it wasn’t for that handy brochure they passed out on the Passage to America boating line?

“Q: what is one thing that is important to you in America?
A: My job”

So, let me get this straight.  Your son, interviewing you for his class, asks you what is important to you in America.  And you say your job.  You don’t say your son, who is standing right there asking you this question, hoping to hear something that would make him learn how to write English better, but no.  You throw it back into his face and tell him that your stinking 9-5 that you somehow convinced someone to let you have is more meaningful to you than your son or your family in America.

“Q: what is the most charitable thing you have coming to America?
A: security, financial stability, and many others”

This question doesn’t make any sense.  On top of that, the answer makes even less sense.  How the fuck is security and financial stability even considered charitable?  What the hell does it even mean to have something charitable by coming to America?   English is hard.

In closing, this lady is fucking stupid.  Just looking at her responses makes you wonder what the hell she was smoking.

No wonder American values are going down the drain, stupid foreigners are teaching their children that the most important thing in life is your job, and not your family or something like that that is more important.  Even non-foreigners are teaching their children this.  I blame everyone.

I hate older generations.

 

“List of 10 Things” Breakdown

This entry is part 5 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

We all have things to do.  Sometimes we put them in a list. Well, today I found a list of things to do on the ground.  And since I didn’t have anything better to do, I thought it would be worth my time to completely obliterate this person’s list of things to do, for no reason other to be a dick.

So, here we go!:

“1. Confirm still life”

Yes, this is your confirmation, my friend.  This is a still life.  We are doomed to forever work at our crappy jobs and breathe the air on this Earth until we die and then that’s it.  The only redeeming factor to this “still life” is 80’s music.  And metalcore with piano in it.

“2. Complete graphite transfer”

Uh oh.  Graphite transfer of what?  Your naked body?  Mmm… You better be that kinda hot Asian chick that I think dropped this list if that’s going down.

“3. Clean room”

An honest proposition.  However, an even more honest assessment would be that your room will never be “clean” considering you’ve tainted it with your being.

“4. Write letter”

This is as ambiguous as you can get.  Technically, you’ve written a lot of “letters” already.  However, if this is a letter that you send in the mail, it is oddly very unspecific… almost as if just in case this list had been seen by someone else, such as myself, if they ever wrote an article about it and posted it on a web site for all to see, we wouldn’t know to who this mysterious “letter” is for.

“5. Fill out concentration/major paperwork.”

I hope you don’t have to rely on this list to remember to do that.  Cause I guess you’re not gonna have a major ever if you do.

“6. Pay Insurance!”

Interestingly this is of midway importance for this person.  It is sort of a commentary on America itself, once you think about it.  Insurance is only #6 on the list of importance.  That’s why Republicans want to get rid of Obamacare, not because they want to insurance companies to keep their costs down, but to keep the individual’s costs high and to keep rising!

The “ce” was also whited out, so it brings to question what she had actually spelled originally.

“7. Spay Ammy”

Looks like today is Ammy’s lucky day.  Ammy will still be able to make babies when this day is through.  Maybe.

“8. Rework Artwork”

This feels like some sort of rhyming action is trying to take place.  I wonder if “Rework Artwork” is the name of an object or an art piece in and of itself.  Which would mean we don’t know what the hell this actually means.

“9. Lay out story/storyboards”

Considering a storyboard is supposed to help you lay out a story, I don’t know why you’d want to do both at the same time.  Sounds like this should have been two numbers!

“10. Be happy!”

This is what gets me about this whole list.  You have to remind yourself to “be happy” cause your life is apparently so crummy, that you have to artificially make yourself happy by telling yourself to “be happy” in a list of things to do.

Anyway, I’m just glad I wasn’t put in the awkward position of having to explain why I was writing two pages about this girl’s To-Do list that she dropped on the floor unknowingly, had she unexpectedly come back.

 

“Katy Perry – Firework” Breakdown

This entry is part 4 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I don’t know if it’s just me or not but Katy Perry’s Firework song is strange.  Not only does comparing yourself to a 2-second burst of light that is simply forgotten (honestly, do you remember every firework you’ve seen?) a terrible way to try and influence teenage girls into having self-esteem about themselves or whatever, but there’s a completely different way to look at this song.

It’s about a huge penis.  A penis that Katy Perry is sucking and is blowing its load all over her face.  To make my point clear, I’ll point out all the parts of the song where it can be taken as such in this edition of Dave’s Breakdown.

“Do you ever feel/Like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind/Wanting to start again

Obviously this “plastic bag” is a condom.  The guy that Katy Perry is blowing has blown his load already and Katy Perry has slapped off this condom so she can get the full taste.  She “wants to start again,” after all.

“Do you ever feel/Feel so paper-thin/Like a house of cards/One blow from caving in”

They’ve been at it for so long that both parties are simply exhausted, however they’re still going to go at it cause Katy Perry has a huge rack and its impossible to get unhorny during sex with her.  So, one more “blow” and they’re about to cave in and pass out from exhaustion.

“Do you ever feel/Already buried deep/Six feet under/Screams but no one seems to hear a thing”

Six feet under buried under a mountain of cum, it seems like.  “Screams” because she’s orgasmed like 15 times already.

“Do you know that there’s/Still a chance for you/‘Cause there’s a spark in you/You just gotta”

Even though they’ve had sex like 15 times already, there’s still a little bit of cum inside this penis.  Gotta make it 16, after all.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“The light” being the huge penis, of course.  Let it shine, like sunlight in your face.

“‘Cause baby, you’re a firework/Come on show them what you’re worth/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/As you shoot across the sky”

Cause the penis is like a firework and is exploding across Katy Perry’s face.  Obviously she’s going “oh oh oh” cause she’s having sex, and once the guy is about to cum she takes the penis out of her mouth and then the cum shoots across the sky, onto her face.

“Baby, you’re a firework/Come on let your colors burst/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/You’re gonna leave before they know”

So, we know this guy is a firework cause he’s blowing up.  And his “colors bursting” is obviously his oddly colored semen.  And he’s gonna leave before someone knows he was there because they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (uh oh!)

“You don’t have to feel/Like a waste of space/You’re original/Cannot be replaced”

Basically this means this huge penis is so nice and big that she could never want another.

“If you only knew/What the future holds/After a hurricane/Comes a rainbow”

The hurricane is in Katy Perry’s vagina with a huge penis storm.  After that, a rainbow from this guy’s penis into Katy Perry’s mouth, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

“Maybe the reason why/All the doors are closed/So you could open one/That leads you to the perfect …”

So I guess they closed all the doors so no one would see them fucking, and the only one open is the bathroom so they can have sex in the shower too.  And that is probably the preferred method of sex for her since it “leads you to the perfect.”

“Like a lightning bolt/Your heart will glow/And when it’s time you know/You just gotta”

Meaning you just gotta cum on her face.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“Turn on the light, I want to see the huge penis in the light now, and just fuck me like you did on July 4”

“Boom, boom, boom”

This is the penis slapping into Katy Perry’s vagina hole and/or mouth.  Maybe ass, if she’s into that.

“Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon”

It’s bright because it got into her eye and she can’t see anything but white.

“It’s always been inside of you, you, you/And now it’s time to let it through”

“It” being the cum and its coming out and onto her face.

In conclusion Katy Perry has a huge rack and everything she sings is about sex.

 

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.

 

Why Study Geometry?

This entry is part 2 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

These are ridiculous reasons why you should study geometry according to Carolina Mathmatic in Burlington, North Carolina 27215.

This poster was in Dr. OldNBald’s room, and pisses me off so much, that I had to copy it all and have my responses to each one of them.

There’s a buncha cartoons saying this crap (they were in no really particular order, they’re mixed up all around on the poster):

1. A guy spinning around in a tornado: It helps me track the paths of storms

davepoobond’s response: Well, it looks like you’re keeping track of the storms pretty well already, since you’re getting caught up in them, you stupid bastard. Why don’t you get a life?

2. A skleton: It helps me understand X-Ray diffraction patterns

davepoobond’s response: good job fag. Most people in the world don’t need to know how an X-Ray works. But I guess because you’re a skeleton, its useful to you.

3. A stupid annoying girl: I learned what it means to get my teacher off on a tangent!

davepoobond’s response: by sucking her dick?

4. A kid with a large piece of paper: I heard paper folding activities are fun!

davepoobond’s response: is that all you can think of? Thinking of paper folding activities? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DO A PAPER FOLDING ACTIVITY WHEN THEY CAN DO SOMETHING EXTREMELY MORE SENSIBLE? And who the fuck would say “hey, paper folding activities are fun” anyway?

5. 2 aliens in a UFO: We use it for interplanetary travel

davepoobond’s response: you heard it here folks, aliens are confirmed by the government. They screwed themselves up the ass when they issued this poster. Now we KNOW the government is lying to us.

6. A scientist holding up a model of a molecule: I need it to understand bond angles

davepoobond’s response: oh. You do, do you. Don’t we already have something called a computer that can tell you everything about a bond angle already?

7. A city road worker by his green semi truck that says “city roads” on it: I need to know how much salt is in that conical pile for spreading in case it snows tonight. (there’s two big “conical” piles of salt in front of him)

davepoobond’s response: what good will that do you, you stupid fuck? You either have enough or you don’t! Its trial and error. If you don’t have enough, go back and get some more, God dammit! You don’t need to find out how much fucking salt is in a conical pile, just use it.

8. An Eagle: It’s OUTTA SIGHT

davepoobond’s response: what kind of reason is this? You’re gay. Stupid eagle.

9. A $ dollar bill, and the guy on it is saying: New Math Means More Money!

davepoobond’s response: New Math also means More Counterfeiting

10. A painter in front of a castle: I need to estimate how much paint I’ll need for this castle.

davepoobond’s response: IT’S A FUCKING CASTLE! CASTLES DON’T NEED TO BE PAINTED!

11. A black kid: it’ll help me raise my SAT scores

davepoobond’s response: this is one reason I agree with. This is the only sane reason out of all these other reasons. Why can’t they think of more good reasons, so that I don’t have to be angry at people who make stupid shit like this?

12. A fireman putting water on a burning house: how long will the water in the tanker last?

davepoobond’s response: duhhh…I don’t know….maybe that’s why you use the fire tanker’s water until there’s no more water, and then go get some more. There is no math involved in that. There’s probably more math involved in driving to a fire hydrant.

13. A black kid with a light blue baseball cap and a dog: Sparky needed a cool new doghouse (the dog house all made out of triangles and looks like crap. No dog would want to live in it)

davepoobond’s response: Get a life! Just buy your dog a doghouse and call it a done deal. The dog won’t know the goddamn difference

14. A butterfly: So I can appreciate bilateral symmetry

davepoobond’s response: Why do you have to call it bilateral symmetry? Just call it symmetrical sides with one line down the middle. No one gives a shit when you call it bilateral symmetry. And no one really even cares to APPRECIATE something as insignificant as bilateral symmetry. Wow its bilaterally symmetrical. I can sure appreciate that shit.

15. A stupid little girl: It’s AWESOME!

davepoobond’s response: you’re wrong. ITS NOT!

16. A snowman: It helps me appreciate the beauty of nature

davepoobond’s response: how? So you can melt when the sun comes up the next day? Nice job jackass, you thought that through.

17. A girl playing miniature golf: That’s why I’m so good at miniature golf!

davepoobond’s response: That’s why you’re good at sucking cock too, I suppose. You used supplementary angles to know where to put the cock in your mouth. It’s the same principle with golf. Just fucking shoot the goddamn ball into the goddamn hole.

18. A black baseball player with a ball being thrown up in the air: Just keepin’ my options open

davepoobond’s response: to do WHAT? So you can know how to throw a fucking ball? PLEASE…

19. A builder: I’m a builder. I have to read blueprints

davepoobond’s response: and you use geometry HOW, to read a blueprint? Its not that hard…you just read it.

20. A person making a quilt: I like to make quilts

davepoobond’s response: people have made quilts for generations without geometry. I’m sure you can live without it.

21. A submarine, you’re supposed to assume someone is saying: I want to keep my boat out of the mud!

davepoobond’s response: then stay off the ground

22. An Eskimo: I’m designing my own house (holding up a blueprint of an igloo)

davepoobond’s response: YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW GEOMETRY TO BUILD A FUCKING IGLOO! NOR DO YOU NEED A FUCKING BLUEPRINT FOR ONE! ESKIMOS HAVE MADE IGLOOS FOR CENTURIES WITHOUT HAVING TO STUDY GEOMETRY OR MAKE BLUEPRINTS! ARRRGHHH…..!!!

23. An old woman, possibly a plumber: How much pipe will I need to plumb a new bathroom?

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you hire a PROFESSIONAL, because you definitely don’t seem to be one.

24. Sherlock Holmes: It’s elementary, my dear Watson. …and Junior high and high school

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? Is that supposed to be funny?

25. A boy filling up water balloons: anybody remember the formula for the volume of a sphere?

davepoobond’s response: yeah I do. Its called fill it up until you think there’s enough water in the balloon, before it breaks open and spills all over yourself.

26. A black woman playing pool: so I can figure out bank shots

davepoobond’s response: You don’t need to know geometry for that. You need to take a pool class for that, and you won’t need to know useless crap you won’t use.

27. A guy at a computer: I’m designing a new CAD-CAM program

davepoobond’s response: I’m sure that there’s plenty of good programming programs that can do that for you. Or better ones that you can never make

28. A black optometrist: I need to understand how a lens bends light

davepoobond’s response: Why? Optometrists prescribe lenses to us, they don’t need to know how light bends. They are not the ones inventing the lenses to give to us. They are the doctors who don’t do much but find out what your vision is and give you the appropriate lenses for you to wear.

29. A cowboy: I’m a cartoon. I don’t have to!

davepoobond’s response: har har….funnnyyyyy…..not.

30. A sphinx in front of a pyramid: I want to know the volume of my pyramid.

davepoobond’s response: So you can sit there for another half a million years saying that you know the volume of your pyramid? “Hey guys, the volume of my pyramid is 4233492080982345809 square tons. Isn’t that super?”

31. A football player: If Herbie can, so can I!

davepoobond’s response: Is Herbie the little car made by VW that used to be a racing champion? So…a car knows geometry then?

32. A white kid with a finger on his mouth: shhh. I’m building a scale model of a stealth fighter

davepoobond’s response: don’t those usually come with instructions, so you don’t have to figure out all the places things go? Which means geometry usage equals 0

33. Kid: I WANT TO TESSELATE! Teacher: Do you have a note from home?

davepoobond’s response: wow. These guy crack me up. This is by far the most annoying out of all these, because this one is a big picture in the middle of the poster. And tessellating isn’t even fun.

34. A farmer with a cow: I need to know how much fertilizer to buy for 211 acres!

davepoobond’s response: you don’t need to buy any, because you have fucking cows.

35. A scientist holding up a ball with antenna coming out of it – supposedly a satellite: I want to use this satellite to map the earth

davepoobond’s response: newsflash! We already did it! HELLOOOOO???

36. A starfish: So I can appreciate radial symmetry

davepoobond’s response: ooooh I’m a starfish and I want to know all about radial symmetry….what the hell?

37. A captain with a world raised in his hand: We’ll be sailing along the great circle route

davepoobond’s response: there is no circle route! And even if there was, there would be no way in hell that you could make an exact circle

38. A person with a map: I need to find my way from point “A” to point “B”

davepoobond’s response: Here’s a clue: follow the map, the roads show you where to go, you don’t need geometry for that! You don’t even need SCHOOL for that

39. A scientist looking in a microscope: whoa!

davepoobond’s response: what? Did you see your penis?

40. A builder: I want to build the most modern buildings! (its just a triangle and its through a circle, just floating in mid air)

davepoobond’s response: oh you do, do you. Well, then build a GOOD building, not crappy buildings no one can use. Those are usually tall and rectangular.

41: Architect: I’m marking off the lots in a new housing development

davepoobond’s response: super. That sure makes me want to study geometry. In the rare instance that I may become an architect and mark off lots in a new housing development, I’ll be glad I took that geometry class

42. A muscle man trying to pull apart a triangle: I want to find out why triangles have such strength!

davepoobond’s response: that’s just the thing: triangles don’t have any more strength than anything else. You’re just weak! And the fucking triangle is made out of metal….

43. A guy with a rake: I have to figure out how many boxwoods to plan around a circular driveway with a 30-foot radius

davepoobond’s response: you need to figure out how to die first

44. A fisherman with a huge ass fish: I studied stream flow and insect hatch patterns and finally caught “Old Gill”

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? NO fisherman in the WORLD does this. And this is more biology/ecology than geometry

45. A head: My English teacher was impressed when I started using words like “conversely” “congruent” and “counter-example”

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you conversely get a congruent life so I can counter-example it with my machete. Yeah that was bad.

46. A trapezist: I need to find the area of a trapeez-oid

davepoobond’s response: oh har har har….TRAPAZOID….TRAPEZIST…they’re so much alike…

47. A pilot in a plane: I can’t afford to lose my bearings

davepoobond’s response: you can’t afford to lose your pilot’s liscense either, which you just did. So die.

48. A girl: IT’S EVERYWHERE! IT’S EVERYWHERE!

davepoobond’s response: oh…air is everywhere too. Do I need to study air? No, I just breathe it in and not care about it.

49. A guy: I’m into wheel covers

davepoobond’s response: WHEEL COVERS? You like to cover your wheels? WHAT THE HELL!

50. A general: it helps me get around the pentagon

davepoobond’s response: wow that’s funny. So I guess geometry helps you move your legs, and helps your arm open a door.

51. A white girl on the phone: you can help boys with their homework; and boys can help you with yours!

davepoobond’s response: this is just a hypothesis, depending on if the boys would actually want to help you with your homework. If you don’t study geometry why wouldn’t they help you with your homework anyway? Stooopid

In conclusion, after 51 stupid reasons to study geometry and 51 glorious responses to them that countered the “reason” to study geometry, only 1 out of 51 was actually a good reason. And even for that, who cares after you do take the SAT? no one. Now go study geometry, kiddies. Cause aliens can fly through space with geometry, and people can make their dog’s houses really geometry-like.

 

USA: The Presidential Debates 2004

This entry is part 1 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Don’t know who to vote for this election? Well, luckily for you, there’s the Presidential debates, broadcasted to the millions of people in the United States and all around the world. These vital presidential debates have affected the outcome of the choice America has made since the JFK era. During these debates, the main presidential candidates and their vice presidential counterparts duke it out in front of America, with fancy words, beating questions around the bush by avoiding them and answering them indirectly, and many more things. Didn’t have a chance to watch the debates because you were at work? Well, Squackle’s one and only davepoobond is here to tell you who to vote for, why you should vote for them, and whether he gives a good reason or not is of no concern to you.

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This year, we take a look at the three Presidential Debates of 2004 between John Kerry and George W. Bush, as well as the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The descriptions of each will be a basic synopsis, and will not go into great detail, as we see most of that as really really unneeded, and if you wanted to know more about it, I’m sure you’d want to go to an actual news site (and watch the freaking debates yourself, and form your own opinion) than taking what you read on a humor web site called Squackle as 100% truth. Anyhow, on to the debates!

There has been a lot of tension between the Bush and Kerry camps, after demeaning commercial after another funded by private organizations are constantly shown on TV, as well as accusations in their speeches to insignificant groups of 50-100 people. Bush accused Kerry of being a “flip flop” one million times in each of his speeches, while Kerry said that Bush misled our country into war. Bush is also rumored to have not served during schedules times while he was in the National Guard, while Bush says he was there the whole time. He’s the son of an oil tycoon, and rich as a mother fucker, so are you really gonna believe that he risked his life in the National Guard? I doubt it.

Some may call these debates the “War of the Ages” almost becoming a movie, or the beginning of a Mortal Kombat fight during the “vs.” scene.

1st Debate: Formal setting, standing behind podiums.

Not until the first debate did I even see these two together without having three states separating them. It was almost laughable to see them shaking hands after they both had strucken at each other’s credibility and track record. So, the first debates focused mainly on the war on terror, mainly focusing on Iraq and how they never had any “WMDs” to be found after we took Saddam from power, in a more formal debate forum, with both candidates having a podium. Whoopidoo, we got rid of Saddam, now we can take the oil there to save money at home, except OPEC increases prices so we’re not actually saving any money. Throughout the course of the 1st presidential debate there was at least a thousand times that “weapons of mass destruction,” “Iraq,” and “terror” had been said cumulatively. It made me want to stab myself in the ears, because you hear those words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Bush just tells lies and lies and lies more and more, and Kerry tries to tell you what Bush is doing is fucking wrong, and how we went into Iraq was wrong wrong wrong. Bush says it was right right right and through a course of appearing very pissed off through the whole time, like Kerry would even have the nerve to bring up things that were happening not as great as the President was making it to be.

Basically, Kerry 1, Bush 0. Bush seemed like he was not prepared for the onslaught brought on by Kerry. Kerry practically raped him, and from the appearance of the poll results done by news agencies after the 1st debate, Kerry’s approval rating went up. Bush just proved to the world even more how he was an ignorant fool, and Kerry at least made concious and knowledgable debate points against Bush, with practically no answer except scoffing and that stupid smrik he always has. He was talking to Kerry like he was talking about a terrorist. People had also noticed that Kerry didn’t talk into the camera like Bush did, and saw it as a sign that Kerry did not want to speak to the American people at home, while Bush did talk into the camera.

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Intermission: Vice Presidential Debates

Well, we heard the president’s views on things, what about their VP candidates? John Edwards, former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hopeful, has now partnered up with John Kerry in hopes to defeat Bush and Cheney. Cheney, with his usual “I’m so rich and I’m too good for everyone except for the Arab royalty and Halliburton” look, debated to keep his high-paying, high-power job in the United States government, while John Edwards hoped to relieve Cheney of his duties.

The stage has been set, and through the course of an hour or so, it came out to be that Cheney and Edwards had a very good debate, and no one person could be declared coming out ahead of each other.

But one thing could be determined from the course of the night:

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2nd Debate: Town Hall Setting. No podiums, candidates sat on stools, as they heard questions being told to them by audience members, about domestic issues.

So, after Kerry had shamefully ripped Bush a new one after the first debate, Bush started to take these debates a little more seriously. Even though Bush may not have been nearly as bad this time, he was still using a lot of “umms” and pauses, in genuine Bush-style. Bush came back with a lot of anger, while trying to keep himself contained. However, the most notable part of this debate is when Bush interrupted Charles Gibson from ABC News and un-rightfully rebutted a statement by Kerry, after Gibson had told the president that he was not allowed to. This sudden outburst of rage had broken the rules of the debates that had been set forth, and while Bush was talking OUT OF TURN, I was waiting for that buzzer than never came. Bush should NOT have been given that opportunity to speak, as it broke the rules of the debates. Kerry, on the other hand, did not make the mistake of rebutting a statement by Bush out of turn, even though it came close to it. It seemed that Kerry had more control over himself when it came to that, but it came very close.

The questions that were presented were all about the domestic issues and how they would change under Kerry and “improve” even more under Bush. Kerry said that Bush promised you more of the same, while Kerry promised change. Bush repeatedly kept saying that Kerry “flip flopped” over and over. Bush kept telling everyone to look at this voting record. In all honesty, we should look at BUSH’S voting record. Look at the decisions BUSH has made. Sure, Kerry supported Iraq at one time, most of us did, because we ALL thought that Iraq had WMDs, because that was what we were TOLD BY BUSH. Kerry doesn’t have his own CIA, Bush does. Bush knew more about the things happening in Iraq (whether or not they actually had anything) than Kerry did. All that Kerry or WE even believed was what our PRESIDENT, our PRESIDENT told us. I doubt that Kerry is able to send in his own team of CIA operatives to conduct their own investigation in Iraq to find out information.

And if there is, so sue me. It doesn’t contradict the fact that the president lied to us. The results of this debate had helped Kerry out a little bit more, but everyone said they were basically equal.

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3rd Debate: I didn’t watch it cause I was at work, and I’m too lazy to watch it online. I heard they were basically equal though.

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Conclusion: We all know Bush sucks, so why would we want to keep him in office? Outsourcing has grown, people have lost their jobs, the economy is down, people’s lives have been RUINED because of soldiers killed in the War On Terror, and not to mention the U.S. government is in a shitload of debt. Why do we want Bush to stay in office? We know he’s done nothing but horrible things to the United States. To assure that Bush is OUT OF OFFICE, I’m saying to vote for anyone else but Bush. If you want to make absolute sure of this happening, vote for Kerry. If Kerry sucks, then we can just get his ass out of office in the next four years. We know what doesn’t work, why do we want to stay with it?

The comic-strip thingy is by Soup Nazi

Everything else is by davepoobond