Quote #22658

These are multiple parts of the same profile.  Made better by keeping them all together.  Only the funny parts are here.

My self summary:

“hey, if u r wondering why i feel i saw this girl before? yea, u r rite….i had too much fun about this site the other morning and delete my account by mistake >.br />so, about me………im a little bit of everything all roll into one. my friends always tell me that im so different than the first time they met me. so yea….u do the math :D”

What I’m doing with my life:

“doing something i always want to do, but before i actually achieve, let’s just keep that to myself~”

I’m really good at:

“turn normal conversation into either funny or awkward…..really depends on how other thinks tho…
bring random bruise to myslef….yea, dont know how and when i did it……i guess i have “aiming” issues? :D”

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

“here and there, random and serious…..yea…..i told u nothing…..but well :D”

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

“i do not like zombie and clown, they r really just scary and creepy! but i pretend im ok with them…..”

– from a girl’s dating profile

 

Joke #18679

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.

I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”

 

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

A few beers short of a six pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky’s kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

 

Top Signs You Hired The Wrong Clown For Your Birthday Party

1. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

2. Keeps screaming, “My name’s not BO-zo, it’s bo-ZO!”

3. Props for his “disappearing” trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

4. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the “Severed Limb” trick.

5. Didn’t bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

6. Prefaces each trick with, “here’s a little number I learned in the joint.”

7. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, “Drug-free since March!”

9. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a “snake on acid.”

10. Business cards include the phrase “From the Mind of Stephen King…”

11. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.