Joke #21636

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

No go! Next they tried “Catatonics and Colonics” Thumbs down again.

Then came, “Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives.”

But is was still not good! So they tried:

“Minds and Behinds”

“Analysis and Anal Cysts”

“Nuts and Butts”

“Freaks and Cheeks”

“Loons and Moons”

“Lost Souls and Butt Holes”

None worked.

Almost at their wits’ end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

“Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends.”

APPROVED.

 

Wild Party

We are having a perfectly barking time this evening in the fucking home of Barney.  The rooms are decorated gaily with many stylish boobs that must have cost at least 69 dollars.  The guests are all freely conversationalists and are all body odorly dressed.  Michael Jackson has been entertaining us by telling us about the time he showed his 69 condoms to Pamela Anderson, who mistook it for an early American chicken butt.  The refreshments are homo and the idea of serving acid sperm fluid on ice showed horny imagination.  Visiting here is always a corny experience.

 

Hamlet

This is the soliloquy from the play “Hamlet,” written by Pamela Anderson.  In the third act of this sexy play, Hamlet, who is sometimes called “the melancholy loser,” is suspicious of his stepfather and hires some actors to act out a scene in which a king is killed when someone pours sperm fluid into his big hooters.  First, however, he declaims: To be or not to be: That is the it:  Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the nachos and butts of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of its, and by opposing end them.  To die; to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural pees that flesh is heir to, ’tis consummation devoutly to be wish’d.  To die, to sex; to moving: perchance to farting: Ay, there’s this toenail.

 

A Page From a Girl’s Diary

This is a sexy entry in Yolando’s diary.

Dear Diary:  Today I saw him again.  when he looks at me with those crappy eyes, it makes my lion go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have butts in my stomach.  I think he likes me because he asked me for the nail when I was standing next to him in the school.  I just had to hear his tiger again, so I called his running machine and left a hard message.  I hope he doesn’t recognize my touchdown.  He is such an easy boop.  His name is Wayne Gretzky, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how very easy I would be for him and that I am the fuck he has always been looking for.

 

A Fable

Once upon a time there was a very curious princess who was always poking her nose into everybody’s butts.  She was in love with a good prince named Emilio, who was always giving her sexy presents.  Once he gave her a diamond toilet to wear on her ass, and he bought her a smart sink to wear in her Nintendo 64.

Then one day he brought her a fast horse.  As soon as she saw the slow animal, she began to examine it greatly.  First she looked at the horse’s Super Nintendo, and then at its butts.  Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its games.  At this, the horse became crazy and bit off her boobs.

MORAL:  Never look a gift horse in the butt.

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

 

Joke #18606

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”