Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place. But it’s their own fault for not having windows.
Weed, Weed on a leaf
Weed, Weed on a tree
Weed, Weed in my room
Weed, Weed where’s my shroom
Weed, Weed I forgot
Weed, Weed That apple’s hot
“An apple a day…
…is way too much for Kalista Flockhart.”
– Matt Sussman
Q: How many Polish people does it take to make an apple turnover?
A: Two. One to buy an apple turnover, and one to pretend he’s offended that this joke is directed towards Polish people.
Submitted through the Other submission form.
name = Fane
use_email = no
type = poems
title = Good goats and bad apples
submission = my bum made a noise,
i dont know what it was.
Q: Why do apples fall off trees?
A: So they can become apple sauce.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.
“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?”
“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give you seventy-five cents for it.”
Q: What do you call a Macintosh that falls off a table?
A: Apple turnover.
Q: Why did the jelly roll?
A: It saw the apple turn over!
“apple heads are orgasmic, aren’t they?”
“Why is apple juice not natural? Because it has water”
– Mrs. Stickums
“That one apple can spoil the barrel…”
::nods a lot::
“…I read it somewhere”
– Mrs. Stickums