Bizarro Facebook #22529: Annual Deaths From Marijuana

A friend on Facebook posted this picture, which prompted the following conversation (I was being facetious, on purpose, but Oliver couldn’t get that from what I was saying, apparently):

Annual Deaths From Marijuana

 

Oliver Potisillegal: Damn peanuts, you scary!

davepoobond: couldnt you say that there are no deaths in marijuana because the government has done a very good job of limiting the adverse affects of the abuse of the drugs?

Oliver Potisillegal: David – The gov’t has done nothing to limit any adverse effects of the most widely available dangerous drugs; prescription drugs. Vicodin, oxycontin, xanax, adderall, codeine, and other opiates. So yeah I stand by my statement. by pushing people into more dangerous drugs, including alcohol, and tobacco instead of cannabis, the government has only lined the pockets of big pharma and the cartels.

davepoobond: well, that would be a fallacious argument. just because they havent done anything for other things doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything for the prior. just sayin!

Oliver Potisillegal: My point remains valid, just because nobody has died of cannabis through direct use, doesn’t mean it can be attributed to the government’s efforts. There’s hard evidence that the gov’t has done the contrary. This countries drug policies are seriously outdated, cause more harm than good and are pushing people into illicit black markets. Despite that, why hasn’t there been a single documented case of cannabis toxicity/overdose/whatever?

davepoobond: thats because we havent put a bunch of people that just hit the bong behind the wheel and say “let’s see what happens” yet

Oliver Potisillegal: As a matter of fact, yes,

http://norml.org/library/item/marijuana-and-driving-a-review-of-the-scientific-evidence

davepoobond: then why do it at all

Oliver Potisillegal: Because If one decides to do it at all, it’s their choice and right, not the government’s. Besides I find it very hypocritical for society to push a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use yet at the same time vilify cannabis as a scourge when the real scourge is right in front of their noses. Despite that, I’d never condone outlawing alcohol or tobacco because well, it simply does not work. Do you remember reading about alcohol prohibition? The same thing is happening now, except that instead of going after the Al Capones and Nucky Johnsons, they’re going after patients and their caregivers. If you still do not believe of the benefits of cannabis vs. prescription drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, then this list will help clarify that cannabis is indeed useful to humanity:

http://norml.org/aboutmarijuana/item/detailed-reference?category_id=734

Oliver Potisillegal: I’m enjoying this little debate, but seriously, our country’s antiquated drug laws are in need of serious reform. Too many people are being put away for possessing a plant. During its 4,000 year history of human use, cannabis has been medicine longer than it’s been a “dangerous narcotic.”

davepoobond: I don’t see how you can argue that society “pushes” a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use. The opposite is true. In fact I would say I was MORE pushed into smoking weed than either of the other two, which I never partook in tobacco or marijuana, and rarely for alcohol. So I still don’t understand what the point of smoking weed is if it doesn’t inhibit anything otherwise what is the point

Gloria: david, just look at the ads on TV, or in any magazine. you will find your answers.

Oliver Potisillegal: By point do you mean to get high? Because from a recreation viewpoint that’s the point of weed. I mean what’s the point of alcohol, to get intoxicated, right? However, there are additional medical benefits to marijuana than simply to get “high.” I’m not going into specific details because you can look it up on your own. You may not see any point, but more and more people including me, see it differently.

davepoobond: gloria, the only ads on tv that i see for tobacco are anti-use ads. also, magazines? this isn’t the 90s. print is not a influential form of media nowadays and will continue to decline. not to mention the top 4 magazines, including two AARP magazine publications, Better Homes and Gardens, and Game Informer would probably not ever have a print ad for a cigarette or even any alcohol brands. hard alcohol ads have only started appearing in the past couple years and they are heavily regulated, not to mention they arent even allowed to show anyone “drinking” the alcohol. And the most heavily advertised beers, like Bud Light and Coors Light are practically water anyway and the way they advertise isn’t as convincingly evil as you would make it out to be.

oliver, there are “additional benefits” to drinking alcohol as well. wine, for instance. i’m not gonna say any tobacco product has any “health benefits” but people can argue that there are just as easily as people who argue that marijuana has medical benefits as well.

Oliver Potisillegal: You realize that it’s not the alcohol itself that’s adding the benefits, but the polyphenols that are antioxydants. And you can argue whatever benefits alcohol may have all night, but that’s missing the point of my post entirely.

Second, this isn’t the 90’s? Have you picked up a copy of Rolling Stone? because I can point out at least 3-4 ads in your average issue for Bud Light, Stella Artois, Heineken, Absolut, Sky, should I continue?

Oliver Potisillegal: When one is inundated with alcohol and cig ads their whole life, one becomes desensitized and may not perceive any “evil.” My point is give me a choice, it’s my right, not the government’s.

davepoobond: so then once marijuana becomes legal how do you perceive marijuana ads doing the same thing alcohol and tobacco ads are doing? not as bad because why?

davepoobond: and rolling stone is not a kids magazine. you’re not giving people enough credit by saying they don’t already have a choice to choose to do the things they want to do.

davepoobond: you already have access to the marijuana you have and you already have the means to justify that it has no adverse effects on livelihood and presents no danger to anyone. you want to legalize it for what reason? to rationalize that it “isn’t bad for you” in the eyes of the government? what does it matter, you’re already doing it if you are and you’re already choosing to not do it if you don’t want to. the only reason to make the government not make it illegal is so that you can see advertising and see it in a grocery store, both of which are moot points because you already have access and the advertising doesn’t exactly appeal to anyone.

He never responded.

 

#22492: davepoobond -> Automatic Man

davepoobond: i ate 2 footlong sandwiches from subway

davepoobond: today

davepoobond: isn’t that funny

Automatic Man: wow

Automatic Man: so thats y u were going there

davepoobond: when did you see me

Automatic Man: after school

Automatic Man: a little after

davepoobond: were you at the intersection

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: there was a coupon that i could get 3 footlongs for 10.99

Automatic Man: shit

davepoobond: so i thought what the hell, i’ll use it. i’m hungry anyway

Automatic Man: i had a footlong sub today

davepoobond: i have a bunch of coupons

davepoobond: for subway

davepoobond: i’ll give you some

Automatic Man: cool

davepoobond: they expire the 16th

Automatic Man: it was soo good, but it costeded me 9 dollars

davepoobond: 3 footlongs at reg. price is 12.99 or whatever

davepoobond: it was like 11 after

davepoobond: so i only saved a buck

davepoobond: which is kind of a rip off for a coupon

Automatic Man: but that buck will get you 100/164ths of a gallon of gas

davepoobond: i guess

davepoobond: well

davepoobond: diesel costs 1.89

davepoobond: right now

Automatic Man: o it went up

davepoobond: no, it never changed

davepoobond: it was like that for the past few months

Automatic Man: theres a cheap gas station in pas that has diesel for like 165

davepoobond: you can get it for less in cheaper areas

davepoobond: yeah, its just price gouging

Automatic Man: yep

davepoobond: its a more affluent area, so people will pay more

Automatic Man: you dont get gas at the crest, do you?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: no diesel there

Automatic Man: hey dave, dont tread on me

davepoobond: i get it at chevron

Automatic Man: o

davepoobond: its either that, or at the union at alta canyada

davepoobond: and its the same damn price

davepoobond: i like chevron better anyway

Automatic Man: o

Automatic Man: its all about the union

davepoobond: it has techron

davepoobond: which keeps the motor clean

davepoobond: er

Automatic Man: oh dave, thats a bunch of shit

Automatic Man: they do that to attract people who dont know shit about cars (like yourself)

davepoobond: what the hell does it do then

Automatic Man: techron?

davepoobond: yeah

Automatic Man: well first, you gotta really prove that they add sumthin else to the GAS

Automatic Man: im not sure if the gas even has it, let alone the diesel

Automatic Man: but it might

Automatic Man: i dunno

davepoobond: if it didn’t have it they wouldn’t advertise it

davepoobond: its false advertising and that’s illegal

davepoobond: so they add something

Automatic Man: but can YOU prove that it really cleans out carbon deposits in the engine?

davepoobond: probably not, but nor do i care that much, because i’m still gonna go to chevron which might have something or might not instead of going somewhere that doesn’t have anything advertised as being added into it

davepoobond: namely union

 

Quote #18502: Managerial Smartity

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

 

Joke #9305: Advertise That Bind

Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, “Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven’t seen him for a while.”

The senior exec replied, “Haven’t you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky.”

“Good Lord,” replied the junior man, “You’re kidding me, right? What did he have?”

“Oh, nothing much,” replied the elder exec. “A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after.”

 

Actual Marketing Flops

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”

 

Capitalistic Tyranny

I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.

——————————

A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.

The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.

As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.