Construction on the Sandwich

Dear Mr. Boaling Ball,

I’m Katie from the 7/8 newspaper The Odyssey, and I’m writing an article on the new popsicle gimme some dickin’ sandwich and i crave the cock.  If you could please answer the following questions and add any other information you think would benefit my article that would be greatly appreciated.

1) About when do you think the sandwich will be finished?

2) When did they start construction on the sandwich?

3) What’s the benefit of having aster-turf as opposed to grass?

4) What is the i crave the cock made of?

5) Were there any donations toward the project?

Thank you very much for your time, and when you are finished please place the information in Mr. Pillups’ box.

Thanks again,

Katie

 

“List of 10 Things” Breakdown

This entry is part 5 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

We all have things to do.  Sometimes we put them in a list. Well, today I found a list of things to do on the ground.  And since I didn’t have anything better to do, I thought it would be worth my time to completely obliterate this person’s list of things to do, for no reason other to be a dick.

So, here we go!:

“1. Confirm still life”

Yes, this is your confirmation, my friend.  This is a still life.  We are doomed to forever work at our crappy jobs and breathe the air on this Earth until we die and then that’s it.  The only redeeming factor to this “still life” is 80’s music.  And metalcore with piano in it.

“2. Complete graphite transfer”

Uh oh.  Graphite transfer of what?  Your naked body?  Mmm… You better be that kinda hot Asian chick that I think dropped this list if that’s going down.

“3. Clean room”

An honest proposition.  However, an even more honest assessment would be that your room will never be “clean” considering you’ve tainted it with your being.

“4. Write letter”

This is as ambiguous as you can get.  Technically, you’ve written a lot of “letters” already.  However, if this is a letter that you send in the mail, it is oddly very unspecific… almost as if just in case this list had been seen by someone else, such as myself, if they ever wrote an article about it and posted it on a web site for all to see, we wouldn’t know to who this mysterious “letter” is for.

“5. Fill out concentration/major paperwork.”

I hope you don’t have to rely on this list to remember to do that.  Cause I guess you’re not gonna have a major ever if you do.

“6. Pay Insurance!”

Interestingly this is of midway importance for this person.  It is sort of a commentary on America itself, once you think about it.  Insurance is only #6 on the list of importance.  That’s why Republicans want to get rid of Obamacare, not because they want to insurance companies to keep their costs down, but to keep the individual’s costs high and to keep rising!

The “ce” was also whited out, so it brings to question what she had actually spelled originally.

“7. Spay Ammy”

Looks like today is Ammy’s lucky day.  Ammy will still be able to make babies when this day is through.  Maybe.

“8. Rework Artwork”

This feels like some sort of rhyming action is trying to take place.  I wonder if “Rework Artwork” is the name of an object or an art piece in and of itself.  Which would mean we don’t know what the hell this actually means.

“9. Lay out story/storyboards”

Considering a storyboard is supposed to help you lay out a story, I don’t know why you’d want to do both at the same time.  Sounds like this should have been two numbers!

“10. Be happy!”

This is what gets me about this whole list.  You have to remind yourself to “be happy” cause your life is apparently so crummy, that you have to artificially make yourself happy by telling yourself to “be happy” in a list of things to do.

Anyway, I’m just glad I wasn’t put in the awkward position of having to explain why I was writing two pages about this girl’s To-Do list that she dropped on the floor unknowingly, had she unexpectedly come back.

 

Let It Go For 9 Cents

This entry is part 13 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Yesterday some douchebag wanted to buy a pencil and he only had like 95 cents.  I told him the pencil he was interested in buying was 1.08 with tax.  And he was all, “can’t I just bring the rest of the money later?”

I told him, “No, you’re about 9 cents short and I can’t let things out of the store without it being paid for.”

“Really?  9 Cents?  You won’t let it go for 9 cents?”

At first I thought he was being sarcastic/joking but then it became apparent he was actually pissed as he started shaking his head and cursing under his breath.

Like, what the fuck do you want me to do, asshole?  Short my register for your sorry “can’t afford 9 more cents” ass?  Or pull money out of my pocket for you?

Fuck you!  Fuckin’ asshole!

 

Postage Is (Not) 46 Cents!

This entry is part 12 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A couple days ago there was this girl who was very convinced that postage is 46 cents.  I tried to help her by saying it was 44 cents, and she only needed to use one stamp for a regular sized letter.

So, she came over to my register and told me she needed to buy two stamps.  I took out two 44 cent stamps and she paid for it.  She asked whether or not postage was 46 cents or 44.  I told her it was 44.

Then she came back and said she wanted to buy two 2-cent stamps.  I asked why she needed them and she said postage was 46 cents, not 44.  So, I asked her when it went up, cause I hadn’t heard of that happening, and she said “last year” and that she “looked it up on Google.”

She was getting angry because she thought I wasn’t going to sell her her 2-cent stamps.  I told her if she wanted to buy them she can, but she didn’t need to.  I even showed her on the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE web site how it is only 44 cents but she didn’t believe me still.  She said she was sending a lot of pictures, so I told her the web site would appraise a 4-ounce letter at around 80 cents, in that case.  So it still wouldn’t matter for buying the 2-cent stamps.

After she left, I looked it up on Google, and the first thing I saw was an article from July 2010 saying stamps MAY go up to 46 cents.  Nothing said it was CURRENTLY 46 cents, and everything had a question mark or some sort of speculative commentary about it.  You can see what she probably looked for at this link, but if postage does go up to 46 cents in the future, it’ll be filled with newer articles that don’t exhibit this point.

What a dumb bitch.  I was only trying to help her.

 

Exigent Circumstances

This entry is part 10 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was this stoner guy that came to the store on Tuesday.  He had a rental book that was about a month and a half overdue, and he had said that he had come into the store earlier and talked to someone upstairs in the textbook department about returning the rental book, but they had to talk to us at Customer Service before being able to.

The reason being, there is a late fee/replacement price associated with any late rental books.  And, being a month and a half overdue, this fucker thought he’d be able to just return a water-damaged book three weeks into the next semester without having to pay anything.

The reasoning behind his being late was he had “exigent circumstances” that prevented him from completing the class on time.  Okay, fine.  He brought his teacher with him to vouch for him, as well.  Oh, great.

So, I went upstairs to ask a book manager and to see what they could do for the guy, which I knew wouldn’t be much.  When she came down to talk to him, the guy was a complete idiot and kept saying how he had exigent circumstances and he “had a baby” and can’t be throwing around sixteen dollars here and there.

The manager had come to a middle ground and said that we would only charge him the late fee, which was the rental fee again at 14 dollars.  The guy didn’t understand why he had to pay a late fee for something he has in his hand and was trying to return to us.  She also offered if he had bought the book at the replacement price of 16 dollars, we would buy back the book at 5 dollars, so he’d actually be saving 3 dollars if he had done so.

He wouldn’t have it.  He didn’t want to pay a dime.  This stupid mother fucker had his school records on hold and couldn’t change or drop any of his classes or get any school services that he might need done because of 15 dollars.  He didn’t understand why we charged late fees and didn’t agree that he should pay them.  But he still signed the agreement to the terms, and it was his fault he didn’t read it.

So he started throwing around accusations like “you guys are nickel and dime-ing students” and he had “just bought a $150 book” and now had to “buy another $15 book.”  So the book manager had made the argument that that we had lost out on the money the bookstore could have made off that book, which is why we charge the late fee/replacement price, and that it was already three weeks into the semester and we will probably lose out on the opportunity to sell that book to another student.

Then he said, “How are you so sure that all the students have gotten their books already,” and the book manager said we didn’t, but most have already gotten their books so the likelihood of it being sold was minimal.  Then he said “well, *I* didn’t get my books,” in a “ah-ha I got you” kind of tone.  The book manager said “I’m not going to get into a nit-picky fight with you…” etc etc.

So at the end of it, the guy ended up NOT paying and he left with a hold still on his school records.  And the whole time, the faculty member he coerced into bringing with him was nodding her head agreeing with everyone.  She was probably oblivious to everything that was happening, and I don’t know why she was wasting her time at 7 pm to come with this guy to try and get him off on any late fees.

Fuckin’ asshole comes right before the store closes too.  What a great time to come.

 

The Band-Aid Bandit

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was this complete spaz that came in last week on Tuesday.

This guy was very, VERY concerned that he might have taken a band-aid accidentally and didn’t pay for it.  The conversation went something like this:

Spaz: “Uhhh hi, I was wondering if there is a way to see if I had accidentally taken something.  I don’t know if I did or not cause I bought a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids.  Would there be anyway to see if I did?”

dave: “Ummm…do you have a receipt?  That would be the only for-sure way I can tell you if you paid for something or not.”

At this point, I’m not sure if his concern is that he didn’t pay for it or that he was charged for something he didn’t want.

Spaz: “Uhh, a receipt?  Uhh ahhh uhhh no.  I don’t have a receipt.  But I think I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids and I already opened a package and I used one but I don’t know if I took it and I was wondering if there was a way to check for that.”

dave: “Well, again, the only way I can tell for sure or not is whether or not you have your receipt.  I can tell you for sure what you got charged for if you have one.”

Spaz: “OH, uhhh a receipt, I don’t have that.”

So, after a few seconds of him not really saying anything else…

dave: “Umm…well, let me ask my manager for you to see if there’s anything we can figure out.”

At this point I’m dumbfounded that he’s making such a big deal about this.  I have nothing else that I can come up with to say to him, so I asked my manager and told him the situation, that he thinks he might have taken something accidentally or whatever.  My manager said it would take a lot of leg work to figure out if he took anything, and as long as it was an honest mistake, we would excuse it, so I went back to the Spaz and told him…

dave: “I talked to my manager and he said it was okay, you don’t have to worry about it.  Thank you for your honesty, but you don’t have to worry about it.”

Spaz: “Oh, really?  I don’t have to worry about it…?  But I might have taken something without paying for it, you guys aren’t going to do anything about it?  It might have been glue or a pencil or something, I don’t know what I might have taken, are you sure it’s ok?”

So, at this point I’m perplexed as to why he isn’t even sure about what he might have taken anymore.

dave: “Umm, well, like I said.  My manager said it was okay, and you don’t have to worry about it.  Going forward, just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store, and there won’t be a problem.”

Spaz: “OH, but I didn’t pay for something and I don’t know if I took it or not”

dave: “Like I said, it’s ok.  It’s really not possible for us to check something like that, and we’re going to excuse it this time.  Just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store in the future.”

Spaz: “Umm..ok.”

So, he finally leaves.

Then.  He comes back.  And says the same stuff again, to which I explain to him again.  Then he leaves.  Then he comes back again.  Then I tell him the same stuff.  Then he leaves.  He leaves and comes back consistently over 20 minutes.

He’s wasting my god damned time at this point.  So, I get really frustrated and say “I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE, I’M GOING ON LUNCH.”

So, I go on lunch.  I come back only to hear that the guy comes back TWO MORE TIMES, and talks to my co-worker, who said he said the exact same thing I told him again.  But the second time, he came back with a notebook and wrote down exactly what my co-worker had said.  He didn’t appear for the rest of the day.

I didn’t work in the store on Wednesday, but I came back on Thursday at around 12.  I heard that “my friend” had came back from my manager and I was like “what friend?”  My manager said the guy that came a couple days ago saying he might have taken a band-aid.  I was like “Oh, great.”

Not even five minutes after he told me he was in the store, the guy came back and I was there to talk to him.

Spaz: “Uh, hi.  Do you remember what we were talking about last week or a while ago?”

Note that it wasn’t last week, it was Tuesday, the day before yesterday that he had come in.

dave: “Uh.  Maybe.”

Spaz: “Well, ok, well, I think I might have taken something I hadn’t paid for, like band-aids or glue or pens or something, and I don’t know if I paid for it, is there a way you can check that?”

This fucking guy.

dave: “Like I said before.  It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”

Spaz: “Don’t worry about it?  What if it was something expensive?”

Ok, so NOW he’s getting on my nerves AND is acting suspicious as fuck.

dave: “Well, did you take anything expensive?”

Spaz: “No, I don’t know what I took, I think it’s in my notebook and my notebook is messy.”

dave: “Ok, well let’s do this then.  Get your notebook in order.  Then figure out what you might have taken out of the bookstore.”

Spaz: “Ok, oh but uh my notebook isn’t here.  But even if its expensive, you guys aren’t going to do anything?”

dave: “Ok, like I said, don’t worry about it, you can go.”

At this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I kept saying it was okay, and I actually told him to leave.  He finally left.  But then he came back to look at a folder or something, and then left.

After that, I told my manager what he had said and we both became suspicious of him, so I called our security and told them to keep an eye on that guy.

I basically came to the conclusion that the guy did steal something but he was using this ruse and us saying it’s “okay” as a justification for stealing whatever he had stolen OR stealing whatever he was planning on stealing.

He would just not drop it, and would not leave.  He’s been stewing on this for at least 3 days’ worth of time, and its so obvious this guy has some weird mental problem.

 

The Worst Ralphs in the World

The worst Ralphs in the world appears to be within the same vicinity as the worst Burger King in the world.  Same people must own them, or something.

So when I went to Ralphs to find some eye contact solution, I couldn’t find any cause I needed some that had Saline in it.  Apparently most eye contact solution does not have saline in it for whatever reason.  I don’t use it, I just had to get it for someone.

So I had to ask a lady about it, and she said “top of the shelf aisle 7.”  I told her I already looked and that I couldn’t find any.  She said “oh, then that’s all we have then.  SORRRYYYYY.”  She didn’t try and help me look or anything.  Would have been nice customer service to do so, don’t you think?  That’s what I do at my job every time someone is looking for something.  I actually help them!

By some miracle I actually did find what I was looking for, because only after I ask people for help do I find what I’m looking for.

So I grabbed what I went there for, and went into the “Express Lane.”  There were 2 lanes open at the time.  And the Express Lane had like 15 people in it.  Ok, whatever.

Some old black lady stood behind me for like two seconds.  I didn’t notice until later that she wasn’t behind me anymore, and already a line of like 5 more people was behind me.

All of a sudden the black lady comes back and cuts everyone.  The person that was behind me asked “excuse me, ma’am, are you in line?”

The black lady said “I am, I am behind him” and she touches my shirt sleeve.

I was about to say “Lady, you can’t leave the line and then come back in where you left,” but I just said “Umm…I don’t remember you behind me.”  How can someone expect me to remember who was behind me in a line at a supermarket?

So the black lady doesn’t even move, she just stays there and crowds my ass, giving me barely any room to move around, because the pussies that were behind me let her stay in line and cut everyone behind them too.

So I had a crazy old black woman buying some frozen chicken and two little red peppers behind me, and some weird black dude with a weird hat you’d see some Prime Minister of an African nation wear on their head when they’re not killing peasants.  He also had a gold cane, and was buying two packs of Lipton white ice tea.

When the cashier rang up the ice teas for the guy, the fucking things were supposedly on sale, but the computer wasn’t reflecting that.  So I had to wait like what seemed like ten minutes for them to figure out the whole deal.  And it really wasn’t that complicated to figure out, it was just taking them a long time to do.  Sad thing is, the cashier was an “assistant manager” as dictated on her name tag.  Pathetic.

During the wait, the crazy black woman that cut everyone in line started complaining, muttering things under her breath while she was three inches away from my face.

Instead of actually figuring out how the iced tea should be discounted, the assistant manager just punched in some “customer satisfaction” non merchandise code and gave the dude six bucks, three dollars off for each of the iced tea things.  How nice of them.

Now where’s my customer satisfaction payoff?  Some Ralphs executive is probably wiping his ass with it and flushing it down the toilet.

 

The Worst Burger King in the World

Just went to Burger King, and it was the worst one I’ve ever been to.

I got the chicken fries meal, and it was pretty much all room temperature — aren’t you supposed to fry this stuff?

Not only that, I coulda sworn that the fries were fried using spit, not oil.  I got a bunch of crappy pieces of chicken instead of actual chicken fries — it seemed like they gave me like 13 or some weird number.  I only asked for a 9 piece meal…

Assholes.

 

Ass Crack Man

So I was driving to my internship and finding a place to park earlier today, and I see this dude wearing only his boxers and a weird teal shirt that was showing entirely too much shoulder and weird moccasin-type footwear.

To my displeasure, the man’s ass crack began to show, like half of his ass.  I thought to myself, "this could not be any worse."  But it did.  As I was parking (he was right by where I was parking), he bends down and picks something up.  I tried to look away, but I was forced to have him in my peripheral vision since I was still driving.

DISGUSTING.

 

Wrong Number! HAUH!

I had someone just call me right now…

I pick up the phone, and they say something that sounds like a mix between “HA” and “HUH.”  Let’s call it HAUH.

So, I say “what?”

and then they say “HAUH” again.

and I’m all “who is this??”

and then he’s all “hauh!  oh!  wrong number sorry”

I don’t understand why someone would say “HAUH” as their first thing on the telephone when calling someone.  They sounded like a retard.

 

Coin Collecting Journal 5/7/08

This entry is part 11 of 11 in the series Coin Collecting Journal

I found these coins recently:

Penny: 1940

Penny: 1955-D

Penny: 1957-D

Penny: 1958-D

Penny: 1963-D x 2

Penny: 1964-D

Penny: 1966

Nickel: 1954

Nickel: 1956-D

Nickel: 1957-D

Nickel: 1962-D

Nickel: 1965

Dime: 1964-D

Quarter: Bicentennial-D

Quarter: North Dakota-P

Quarter: Oklahoma-D

Quarter: Smooshed New York-D Quarter

Half Dollar: 1967

Half Dollar: 1971-D

Half Dollar: Bicentennial

Half Dollar: 1980-D

Half Dollar: 1991-D

Half Dollar: 2001-D

Canadian Nickel: 1978

Cuban Nickel: 2000

 

Today Is Stupid Day

This entry is part 8 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Its official, today is Stupid Day. Here’s another customer story that just happened.

A bizarre lady called and asked if we rented out caps and gowns for her Masters graduation, and I told her no, we don’t, you have to buy them. She also volunteered to tell me that she was with the History department, like I could give a fuck about that in the first place.

So she proceeded to say this to me:

"I have to BUY my graduation robe? Well, I guess I’m not graduating then." And then hung up.

What the fuck is with these people today??

I also heard that another customer argued with a manager for a half and hour about returning a pen or pencil he bought a month ago (with no receipt to show, as well). And then there was ANOTHER lady who called us and asked us how to put her Masters Hood on, and she was a retard because when we tried to tell her what to do, she didn’t even do it right.

 

The Petition Bitch

This entry is part 7 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady petitioning against the Cal State University budget cuts came into the store and solicited us to sign her stupid petition. I don’t sign anything so I said no, and no for all the people around me.

So then the bitch went deeper into the store and asked more customers to sign it. Which is not allowed, since we do not allow solicitors inside the store, no matter what their cause. Ironically, she was having an off-duty Community Service Officer (basically a junior cop and security guard for the store) sign the petition.

I called the on-duty CSOs in the camera room and told them about the Petition Bitch and tell her that she can’t be inside the store doing that shit. So, the guy came out and told her to leave.

During that time, the off-duty CSO came over to the Customer Service desk where I worked and told me that he signed the petition, and as the Petition Bitch was leaving she asked him to sign the petition again AFTER she was told she couldn’t do that in the store, not to mention she already got him to sign it.

What a bitch.

 

Can I Take These Now and Pay Later?

This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A weird lady came by the Customer Service desk holding a cassette tape and some other electronic thing in her hand.

She said "I lost my wallet, so I was wondering if it was okay if I could take these now and pay for them later."
As she was about to explain more of her reasoning, I cut her off and said "No."

She said "Oh okay, I understand," and walked away.

Fucking weirdo.