The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape, which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.
“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”
The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, “Is there anything in the store for men?”
“Sir,” she said, “everything in this store is for men.”
The fur began to fly when my fellow airplane passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flights out of Aspen.
When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got. Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”
The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly called him back, “Hey, where’s your lift ticket?”
“I don’t need a ticket to ride this tow.”
At this, the tow operator produced an axe and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner’s skis, just ahead of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his axe and turned to the crowd, “Anyone else out there who doesn’t have a lift ticket?”
When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn’t qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.
I’m always pushing the envelope!
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
For years, customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.
The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,
“Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”
Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table.
When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn’t come out.
“That’s ok,” she said as she took her camera back. “I always get double prints.”
My husband David’s colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”
“Don’t worry,” David replied, “Maintenance should be sending somebody.”
“They did,” said the voice.
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when e noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my little friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”
At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley’s hit, “Love me Tender.”
The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, “Return to Sender.”
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, “When you’re finished with me, will my husband think I’m beautiful?”
“Maybe,” replied beautician, “does he still drink a lot?”
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”