The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn’t marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, ‘Yes, in that order.’
A dog followed his master to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, “Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.”
A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!”
He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. “Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” Wally replied.
“Then why are you standing in this long line?”
“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks’ performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.
“I love it!” she replied. “I’m getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life — shopping and criticizing people.”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”
“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”
“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says…”If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER.”
So, I call them and say, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”
“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year old son.
“Bob,” he said.
“And what’s your cat’s name?”
“Bob.”
“Well, how do you keep them straight?” I asked.
“Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.
“Go ahead and tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said… “Dennis Hopper.”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”
The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”
Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel.
On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”
“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”
A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s
not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”
Our good Samaritan replied, “Just a minute.” He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you fine!”
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re aking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.
“What was the most exciting discovery you found there?”, asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, “The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leaves of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment.”
Another professor asked, “A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?”
Replied the botanist, “Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for Church, “I sure need some new stockings.”
When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon, I spied a clothing store next door. So, I thought I would surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings…
“Can I help you,” the saleslady asked.
“Yes, I would like to get some stockings for me wife please.”
“Sheer?” she asked.
“No, she’s not here,” I replied. “She’s next door at the bakery.”