BAD: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.
Tag Archives: wife
Joke #5348
BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She’s a lawyer.
Joke #5255: Cow Butt
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
“Hey, this looks like yours!”
Joke #5252: Car Problems
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”
I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”
“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.
“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”
“In the lake!”
Joke #5241: White Guy’s Poetry Lesson
Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.
The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”
The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”
The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”
His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”
The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.” Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!
The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.
The white man asks, “What happened?!”
The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”
The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”
The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”
Joke #5226: Divorce For Wear
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”
Joke #5221: All Wrapped Up
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
Joke #5219: Secrets and Lies
One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room.
“Um, honey, I got something to tell you.”
“Hold on,” the wife says, “I’ve got something to tell you first.”
“What is it?” asks the husband.
“Well,” the wife begins, “before we knew each other, I . . . uh. . . had a sex change.”
“What exactly are you saying?”
“Simply put,” the wife says, “I used to be a man.”
“My god,” the husband replies, “and you’ve been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!”
wife
wife – n. a steady piece of ass
;} somebody that will cheat on you, lie to you, and steal from you
;} a person who can look in a dresser and find her husband’s pair of socks that weren’t there