tuccoee – v. to use a toilet as if it is a chair, particularly when you don’t even have to use it for its actual intended function. You use the toilet to do things such as write checks, grade papers, or selfishly occupy the bathroom so that no one else can use it for the actual purpose a bathroom exists
Tag Archives: toilet
Rolls of Justice
INT. Apartment-type room.
PORTER RODELL fumbles around with the camera as he sets it up.
PORTER
Fucking tripod, I don’t understand this shit.
Porter leaves the camera alone and walks back a little bit.
PORTER
Okay I’ve had enough of this shit man. Nick and his supertanker of an ass seemingly use up all the toilet paper in the house, constantly. That shit is expensive. And he’s a fucking—
The video cuts, and in Porter’s place we see NICK STALWHART, Porter’s roommate.
NICK
I’d just like to say that Porter has got it all wrong. I don’t know what Porter uses all of his toilet paper on, he still smells like he doesn’t wipe his ass.
PORTER (Off-screen)
2 squares bitch! That’s all you need! 3-ply Quilted goodness filleting my taint!
NICK
Man, you’re gross!
Video cuts again and Nick and Porter are in front of the camera.
NICK
Alright, let it be known that starting today, we will monitor both of our toilet paper usage on video.
PORTER
And we’ll finally prove that you’re trying to destroy our toilet with your massive shits.
NICK
Man, shut up!
PORTER
You’re always in there for thirty minutes, at least!
NICK
I like to watch videos.
PORTER
What the fuck?
Nick stands up and turns off the camera while Porter looks at him in astonishment.
Cut to Nick holding the camera and recording two new rolls of toilet paper. Nick’s name is on one roll and Porter’s is on the other.
NICK
To test our hypothesis, we have two new rolls of toilet paper. All previous rolls of toilet paper have been burned as to prevent any cheating. These rolls will be used until gone. When one is used up all the way, we will compare to the other roll to see how much is left.
Nick moves the camera to look at Porter.
NICK
Say hi to the camera Porter!
PORTER
Man, FUCK YOU!
PORTER smacks NICK but you only see PORTER’s hand go off-screen.
Cut to Porter holding the camera and walking around the house to a closed door.
PORTER
The time is now 7:05 pm. Nick has been in here since six FORTY FIVE.
NICK (Behind door)
HEY! What the hell are you doing out there Porter?
PORTER
Nothing Nick! Nothing at all!
NICK (Behind door)
You’re a fucking liar!
PORTER
HEY FUCK YOU
NICK
EAT ME!
PORTER
OH YOU SON OF A BITCH
PORTER fumbles with the camera and it turns off.
Cut to Nick holding the camera and looking down at the rolls of toilet paper.
NICK
After one day, we are about even. For reference we have another new roll of toilet paper. About 1/8 of an inch has been used off each of the respective rolls.
PORTER
Respective? I hate that word! Why do you use it? You’re such a lamer!
NICK
It’s not lame to be sophisticated!
PORTER
And it’s sophisticated to have a good vocabulary?
NICK
Actually, yes.
PORTER
Then I’m glad I’m not sophisticated because I don’t want to be a sour gummy bear!
NICK
A what?
PORTER
That’s my word for being the ultimate form of stupid! See, I can be sophisticated too, with my extreme mastery of the English language!
NICK
Fucking Porter.
Cut to Nick holding the camera.
NICK
There has to be some way of disproving Porter’s 2-Square Law. It’s impractical, and I know he’s lying. I must go to the source. I have been able to trap a flush of Porter’s… “business” by rigging the plumbing to dump into a basket outside. As I do not want to get the camera dirty, I will investigate and report back in due time.
Cut to Nick gasping.
NICK
Oh god, I dug through his shit for like 20 minutes. I couldn’t find ANY toilet paper at ALL. I am now of the persuasion that this man does not use any toilet paper at all! No wonder he always smells like fecal matter!
Cut to Nick holding the camera as he goes toward Porter on the couch.
NICK
Ah-ha! There you are! You’re a goddamn louse – a cheater at the very least!
PORTER
What the fuck are you talking about?
NICK
You sick fuck! I trapped one of your toilet flushes in a basket outside. There was no toilet paper at all!
PORTER
Wh-wh-what the fuck did you just say?
NICK
YOU DON’T USE TP!
PORTER (breaking down)
I-i-its true…I don’t use toilet paper at all. I’m allergic to it, my legs chafe after I use it. I have to…use my hands!
NICK
WHAT THE FUCK!
PORTER
But it was to my benefit! I would have won this raspberry-filled chocolate of a contest!
NICK
But wait a second, that doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t use toilet paper, then how come your toilet paper roll has been steadily decreasing?
PORTER (shrugging)
I dunno…
NICK
There is a saboteur in our midst! There is only one person that can be behind it! Or two.
Camera style changes from this point on. Becomes more like a normal movie.
Nick and Porter walk slowly to a closed door with no lights on behind it.
Nick and Porter look at each other. Nick gulps and then knocks on the door. As he knocks on the door, the door creaks open, obviously not shut all the way. The room is dark.
NICK
Um…hey uhh…Alan? Are you…are you there?
PORTER (whispering)
He’s not here let’s go, let’s just drop it.
NICK
Shut up! I heard something!
A growling noise is heard.
ALAN
Grrrrrrr…
Nick and Porter take a step back.
ALAN
Who the FUCK is that?
NICK
Ummm hey Alan, it’s Nick!
PORTER
And Porter!
ALAN
I know who it is! What the fuck do you want, you dweebs?
NICK
Uh well…Alan I was wondering…
PORTER
We were wondering if you knew how much we owe you for electricity!
NICK
No, actually, Alan…
PORTER
Shut up, I don’t want to ask him anymore!
Alan peers out through the cracks of the door.
ALAN
What……is it……!?
NICK
Well, you see Alan, Porter and I, you see…
ALAN
That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said. “I see.” — I DO see. I see two stupid mother fuckers wasting my god damn time. Do you know how that makes me feel?
PORTER
HAVE YOU BEEN STEALING MY TOILET PAPER??
ALAN
Oh God. What the hell is this shit?
PORTER
Have you been stealing my toilet paper?
ALAN
………YES, its true! Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I only put up this macho man appearance so that you would be scared to ask me about your toilet paper disappearing.
Alan opens the door wide and grovels at Porter and Nick’s feet.
ALAN
I’m soooo sorry…I can’t make excuses for what I’ve done in the past. The only thing I ask of you is to please not punish me too badly for what I’ve done!
NICK
I don’t believe this.
PORTER
Me neither.
ALAN
Its not like you’re using it anyway, I figured what would be the problem, you know. I wish I could scoop it all out with my hands but I’m not that kind of person. I’m not, however much I try. I come from the slums of Burbank, you know? We don’t have luxuries like Toilet Paper or CD players or air for that matter!
NICK (whispering to Porter)
What the fuck is he talking about?
PORTER (whispering back)
I don’t know, I thought he was your friend?
NICK (whispering)
He is, but we grew up in Anaheim…
Porter shrugs.
ALAN
And then there was the time I went to the bowling alley and played Revolution X until my ears bled from too much Aerosmith.
Nick picks up Alan and shoves him back into his dark room.
NICK
That’s why we don’t give you any light bulbs Alan! I’m afraid of what you might do if you could actually see what’s around you!
PORTER
That kid’s fucked up.
NICK
It’s not like Alan to make decisions on his own. He was put up to it by someone else…
Nick and Porter appear in front of another door.
NICK
I’m sure he was the one that made Alan steal our toilet paper.
PORTER
Are you sure you want to confront him? It’s only been 7 days since he’s tried to foul up our Cranium game.
NICK
Cranium is a different matter. This is Toilet Paper!
Nick and Porter enter the room without knocking and are face-to-face with their enemy.
NICK
Nathaniel.
A sinister-looking man stands in front of his window, facing Nick and Porter.
NATHANIEL
The infamous Nick and Porter. Your shenanigans have become tiresome in this household. I have brought it upon myself to bring you down.
PORTER
Downstairs?
NATHANIEL
No.
NICK
But we’re upstairs.
NATHANIEL
Shut up.
PORTER
I don’t get it. This is kinda Almond Joy-ish.
NATHANIEL
Almond Joy what?
PORTER
Perplexing.
NATHANIEL
What the fuck are you talking about?
PORTER
Almond Joy-ish. It means perplexing.
NATHANIEL
What the fuck?
NICK
A myriad of vehement staplers are on their way to crush your impotent dreams of grandeur, Nathaniel!
NATHANIEL
Ok, I’m so fucking lost right now. You two are fucking idiots. Just leave my room. I’ll give you the rent check later.
Cut to Nick and Porter outside Nathaniel’s room and the door shuts behind them.
NICK
Well, that was easy.
PORTER
Milky Way.
NICK
Would you stop that shit?
PORTER
I can’t, it’s the different things I call my creations as I scoop my ass.
NICK
Oh god.
NATHANIEL (off screen)
WHY IS THERE A BASKET OF SHIT UNDER MY WINDOW OH GOD IT SMELLS SO BAD!! I’LL GET YOU NICK AND PORTER!
NARRATOR
And the conspiracy to bring down the emperors of 307A had been demolished. Nick and Porter went on to become CEOs of AIG and Lehman Brothers at the same time, while Alan became CEO of Washington Mutual. Nathaniel stayed at home with his mom after college and worked at the local bookstore until he was forty as a cashier. Being fuddled by Nick and Porter had taken its toll on him and he lost all reason for living. He now has 50 max-level characters on World of Warcraft and sells gold to friends around town.
Moral of the story is: If you shit in a toilet, wipe up.
nrigarutnicuim
nrigarutnicuim – v. to run out of toilet paper and resort to wiping your ass with the old boogery tissue paper you left in the trash can
Ex. The old man is so lazy at buying more toilet paper he nrigarutnicuimed.
rotircseu
rotircseu – v. to use a toilet in a bathroom as a legit chair everyday for like office work because your life is so much of a mess you don’t bother buying a chair for your use. It’s not that you can’t afford it, its just that you don’t give a damn
ipudisteie
ipudisteie – v. to eat dinner while on the toilet
BlackJack Live Casino (iOS) Review
Developer/Publisher: AbZorba Games || Overall: 8.0/10
Black Jack is your classic old-time casino game. Counting cards, hitting at the right time, and making sure your six-shooter is at the ready just in case someone thinks you’re cheating. Nowadays, it’s not so dangerous as Black Jack is now available on smart phones. You can play it on the go, in your home, or on the can. It would be hard playing in all three of those situations at the same time, but at least you have your gun in case anything unexpected happens…. like… umm… a jet fighter dog-fighting with your flying house that is powered only by the propulsion of toilet water?
Anywho, that’s enough of that.
BlackJack Live Casino for the iOS is one such Black Jack gaming app available. While it’s a pretty normal casino app, it offers a few standard features to extend your play time such as buying more Credits (to play the actual Black Jack game) and a higher-tier currency known as Diamonds (for bonus games and customizing your avatar), and the usual time-based free bonuses for returning. There is also a leveling system that automatically awards you Credits at each level up through play.
When using Credits to play Black Jack (which is arguably the whole point of BlackJack Live Casino), you can join a table and start playing against a dealer. You can have up to four players (including yourself) at a table, going through the regular flow of Black Jack. The game can be a bit social as you can chat with other players while playing, and you’ll watch each player take their turn against the dealer. Unfortunately, you have to wait one by one, instead of everyone taking their turn at the same time. This can make you feel impatient and not exactly make you want to join a table that is full as a result, since the games will take a little longer. If people are talking, it can help with socialization as people have some extra time to type.
The game can be welcoming to players of all skill levels, but I think that the game would be useful to learn the ins-and-outs if you are just starting to learn Black Jack in general. The user interface is pretty friendly and helps you out by automatically awarding you when you attain a Black Jack and automatically standing when you hit 21. Lesser games would allow you to “mess up” and hit again to bust, so it is a nice feature to have included in the game. There is a help menu that will explain Black Jack’s rules and as you play you’ll basically learn the flow of repeated plays. The text can be a bit small at times, as well.
A funny aspect of the game, though I’m not sure how much it actually affects the gameplay, is that you or the other people at the table (including the dealer) can draw identical cards. One game I drew two Five of Diamonds in the same play and although the game “shuffles” the cards after a certain amount of time, I’m unsure if this means they combined multiple decks or what. This basically makes any inclination to “card count” pointless, if you were able to. There are a couple of bonus games outside of the Black Jack game that requires Diamonds. Diamonds are attained by purchase primarily, and you earn a lot more Credits with these bonus games.
What is possibly the most “interesting” feature is the Avatar system. I was thoroughly amused by the amount of random items and costumes your avatars are able to wear, including sexy Santa, a mummy, a spy, a matador, a Texan waitress, etc. Imagining all of these random people sitting around a table playing Black Jack is a bit fun to think about. The avatar gallery provides an alternate use for your Diamonds and if you don’t want to use a preset avatar (known as a “Hero”) you can customize your avatar to your liking using a smattering of all of the pieces available. When other players click to view your profile, they will be able to see your avatar as well as your other stats related to your career in the game.
Another funny aspect of the game is the “Cocktail” feature. You are able to buy gifts/items/drinks for other people you are sitting at a table with, presumably for the times you want to impress people or something. There are a few funny items in there, such as developer-branded French Fries, sunglasses, a hamburger, and other random things. There appears to be a seasonal store that changes up depending on the time of year, as it currently has summery items available.
As far as free casino games go, BlackJack Live Casino is about all you can ask for in a Black Jack game. A few tweaks here and there and I wouldn’t have anything to point out to complain about. Black Jack can be fun for a round of hands every now and then and BlackJack Live Casino is a worthwhile option.
scuento
scuento – v. to piss in a toilet and intentionally not flush it
hwonhee
hwonhee – n. someone who is so poor that they have to use a combination of a toilet and a sink to wash their clothes because they don’t want to buy laundry detergent. This causes them to flush the toilet three times and leave the sink on for five minutes straight.
Ex. I think my roommate is a hwonhee because no one can shit so much they have to flush three times. What the fuck is he doing in there???
Hate Mail #23006
Submitted through the Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song submission form.
–
This form was submitted: Nov 18 2003 / 14:24:24
name = Go Smoke A Toilet
song = What the f***
Put my stuff
On this motherf***ing site
Good God, Dave, why don’t you put my motherf***ing stuff
On this motherf***ing site?
ibanera
ibanera – v. to eat a steak dinner while on the toilet
Quote #22617
“I’m gonna make her clean with that Fabulosa she made me buy. Get down on that toilet, bitch!”
– a girl at school
The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo
One day there was a polar bear. He had issues. He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened. His mom wasn’t that much better. Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.
When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California. He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs. A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly. It was a windy day.
It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them. He was soooo cool. That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore. His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money. Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are. He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.
Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together. They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot. Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together! That’s crazy! Right?!?! I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!
So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey. She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God. How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.
The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves. She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly! The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.
The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen. He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process. He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska. He wasn’t even USING them for the school! He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit. Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense. This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.
President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi. He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses. He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them. Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card. Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there. This man was as rude as they came. How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.
President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business. He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had. He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans. Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.
After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on. He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet. His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.
“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…” The President said in between farts.
The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.
“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”
The President got up and put his towel back on. He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.
“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”
An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly. Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.
“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.
President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.
The next day…
“Have you seen my mommy??” Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.
“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly. It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.
Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.
Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come. She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.
As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come. Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!
Moral: Don’t take more than you need.
Chat #21824
kevmeister01: i like 2 POOP
kevmeister01: it keeps u regular
xoSuPa CaNdYox: o reely
kevmeister01: yes
kevmeister01: its a fact
xoSuPa CaNdYox: mmhmmm
WhiteBoi3313: =p
kevmeister01: yes
kevmeister01: quite
kevmeister01: indeed
WhiteBoi3313: lol
xoSuPa CaNdYox: yah im shur lol
xoSuPa CaNdYox: >.<
kevmeister01: peeing is pretty good 2 but its better when u pee in a bush
xoSuPa CaNdYox: no toilitz bettr
xoSuPa CaNdYox: cuz u cn whip ur ass on toilit paper
WhiteBoi3313: lol
kevmeister01: no cuz if u pee in a bush u might hit a homeless person
xoSuPa CaNdYox: soO when u pee in a toilit u pee on fishez
WhiteBoi3313: ya but pissin while drun if fun 2 caz u pee on ppl
kevmeister01: ya
xoSuPa CaNdYox: n besidez mr.toilit man luvz doodoo n peepee
kevmeister01: i like 2 pee on drunk ppl
xoSuPa CaNdYox: datz not fair cuz i cnt pee on no1
WhiteBoi3313: lol
WhiteBoi3313: brb
kevmeister01: ya u can
xoSuPa CaNdYox: no i cnt
kevmeister01: u just need 2 work on ur aim i can help
xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol wth
WhiteBoi3313: lol
xoSuPa CaNdYox: u jus wna play w/ me
xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol
WhiteBoi3313: no u squat on
WhiteBoi3313: their foot
kevmeister01: ya
WhiteBoi3313: =p
WhiteBoi3313: or leg
kevmeister01: or their face
xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol
WhiteBoi3313: ya thtl be funny with their tounge out befo they lik u u take a piss
kevmeister01: i go for the mouth all the time every time
WhiteBoi3313: lol
WhiteBoi3313: me cat is stupid
kevmeister01: thats good
WhiteBoi3313: i moving me hand around and its following it wiht it head its funny
kevmeister01: … quite
kevmeister01: indeed
WhiteBoi3313: lol
kevmeister01: yes
cusofe
cusofe – v. to wash yourself with toilet bowl cleaner
Joke #21366
Q: What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?
A: The cisterns of mercy.