What kind of luck do I have? Yesterday I found a ten-dollar bill in the middle of the street. And when I bent over to pick it up, I got hit by a truck.
Tag Archives: street
Joke #12954
Did you hear about the rich Texan who just bought his kids some blocks to play with? The blocks are from 47th Street down to 42nd Street.
Joke #11969
The other morning, the garbage truck went past my house and I started chasing it down the street. “is it too late for garbage?” I shouted.
“No,” called the garbage man, “jump in!”
Joke #11469
George: Look! I just found a lost football.
Louis: How do you know it’s lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!
ugof
ugof – v. to put fish hooks onto a street or road
Joke #9150
John and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
John says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they’re sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”
Again, John says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, “There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the – ”
Just then the power goes out and John doesn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He turns to Lena and says “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replies “Aw, John, why don’t you just leave the car in the garage today?”
Joke #8988
Q: How did the bones cross the street?
A: They didn’t. The dogs ate them.
Star Compactor
Prologue
I have a three day weekend coming up after finals. I’m going to play video games the whole time. It will be so relaxing. I won’t even have to tink! I can just sit in my room and stare at the TV. I can’t wait. Actually, that will probably never happen. So…anyway, you can read this story I wrote, if you want.
Chapter 1
“Yes, I have finally done it! I have constructed a trash compactor so large, that I will be able to crush the earth with it!” thought Ted, the repair guy from Venus. Ted was a simple man. Well, he was. One day a couple very rich peoplecame and told him to repair all 50 billion of their trash compactors. Ted just snapped. He was used to maybe one or two jobs a month, but this was too much. Ted took the trash compactors, and used them to create a giant trash compactor big enough to crush the Earth.
“Why the Earth, and not Venus?” you might ask? Well, one day he decided that the Earth was much too big, and it would be more efficient as a small cube. He would do the same to Venus, after.
Chapter 2
Bill was walking down the street having a normal day on Earth. He was going to buy a newspaper, then go home and read a book by the fire. The newspaper was for kindling. Suddenly, there was an eclipse. Bob looked up and saw the outline of something very huge that was blocking the sun. It looked a bit like the trash compactor in his kitchen that he used all the “pets” his kids brought home, only much bigger, obviously. Bill could hear a voice coming from the giant thing. This is what it said:
“Hello everyone. This is Ted the repair guy and yes, I am flying a giant trash compactor. Do not be alarmed! I come in peace….well, no, actually I don’t. I’m going to crush your planet into a small cube. I’m sorry if this has caused any inconvenience.”
Bill shrugged and said, “I never thought you could do that with a trash compactor…maybe I’ll crush the moon sometime.” And with that, Ted crushed the Earth and killed everything on it.
Chapter 3
The people of Venus were talking. They were talking about launching nuclear missles at the giant trash compactor. The problem was that they talked too much and Ted crushed them all before they had a chance to stop talking.
Epilogue
This story had one point. Never use trash compactors. You just heard how dangerous they are, so why use them at all? Trash compactors are just plain bad, and that goes for garbaged disposals too. Those things slice and dice things to peices. I can only imagine how many people die each year from the use of garbage disposals. Both of these things are dangerous, and you should avoid them at all costs
I Was Walking Down the Street Phrases
– One day I was walking down the street when a tree bit me in the ass.
– One day I was walking down the street when a panda began to spank me and call me nancy.
– One day I was walking down the street and a dolphin took a crap on me.
– One day I was walking down the street and I was ambushed by a group of gay lawyers wearing tutu’s.
– One day I was walking down the street when a baboon walked up to me and pinched my behind.
– One day I was walking down the street when I realized my bosom was showing so I buried myself in a sewage tank and began to sing christmas carols.
– One day I was walking down the street and saw two squirrels doin it doggy style on top of a parked car.
– One day I was walking down the street when a monkey came and took my pants.
– One day I was walking down the street and a albanian prostitute tickled me.
– One day I was walking down the street and saw a man filming pornography in a tree.
– One day I was walking down the street when an eel slapped me.
– One day I was walking down the street and I saw a man named Bubba removing a white substance from his eye (god knows what it was).
Joke #5234: The Grounded Conductor
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
Joke #5233: We Don’t Serve Snails…
A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.
The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.
Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”
tylaw
tylaw – n. a street with no name
iczer
iczer – n. a street with more than one name
humphrey
humphrey – n. a person who crosses the street when he sees a minority walking towards him
hoyke
hoyke – v. to walk the streets at night yelling strange noises at animals while eating donkey feed from a plastic bag with water in the bottom right corner of the bag