Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him — his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!”
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the FORKS, Luke.”
Q: Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Because of the Peking Duck.
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law’s house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, “The Buck Stops Here,” and my slogan was going to be, “Bambi: You’ve seen the movie. Now, eat the star!”
I’m a young guy who hates to cook. She’s a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn’t even know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name.
“No,” she said. “I remember you.”
Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, “Cheeseburger, Med.–Fries–Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut.”
We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer.
As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban
sophisticates?
The maitre d’ met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d’ returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.
“Madam,” he said, “Your Bounce.”
You Know You Are From A Small Town When…
– The local phone book has only one yellow page.
– Third Street is on the edge of town.
– The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.
– You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.
– You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.
– No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
– You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
– Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
– The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.
– A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
– You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.
– Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.
– You can name everyone you graduated with.
– School gets canceled for state sporting events.
– Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
– Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference
– It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
Q: How come birds don’t eat in restaurants?
A: Because they like pecking their own lunch.
Q: Where does a pickle love to eat?
A: In a dilly-catessen!
Q: How would you serve lion meat at a restaurant?
A: As a mane dish!
Q: Why did the man climb to the roof of the fast food restaurant?
A: They told him the meal was on the house!
Q: Where did Superman open his fast food restaurant?
A: Somewhere near Lois Lane!
“crap. I died and went to a Mexican restaurant”
– from the TV
CROOK (in restaurant): “Give me all your tens, tewenties, and ones. And that order is to go.”
DUMB CASHIER: “Yes, sir. And would you like a doggie bag for the change?”
A man rushed into a restaurant one morning and said to the waitress behind the counter, “Will the pancakes be long?”
The waitress replied, “Nope! They’re always round.”