miligan – v. to film pornography in a tree
Tag Archives: porno
corno
corno – n. stupid porno (stupider than usual)
;} a porno that involves corn
;} a porno that is all ass sex
salang
salang – n. a steamy Vegas porn party
Robot Porn
By Holmes and davepoobond.
–
Cast:
HM098-1 – The Robot slut who just can’t the slut.exe uninstalled!
JKL832-2 – The repair robot who wants to show HM098-1 his HARD drive!
MAC101-3 – The iMac husband!
Tom Cruise – Eh, yeah you heard, i said tom cruise…he’s gay…
Robot Precrime Crew – Random gay guys…
Your order for the $8.99 Robot Porn Movie has been processed, movie starting…
The Scene starts off with HM098-1 in her box doing a scan disk. She has called over her repairman, JKL832-2 to fix a bug in her scan disk program.
JKL832-2: “hey there HM098-1, your gear needs readjusting”
HM098-1: “Why don’t you readjust it yourself, JKL832-2”
JKL832-2: “lemme….tighten it for you”
JKL832-2 Takes out his wrench…wow this is gettin’ kinky!
JKL832-2: “oh the WRENCH!”
HM098-1: “why don’t you rub oil on that wrench and shove it in my gearbox?”
JKL832-2: “i have to reset your fuses first”
HM098-1: “oh yeah, spark up my fuses”
JKL832-2: “oh oh oh baby!”
HM098-1: “why don’t you show me your hard drive”
JKL832-2: “show me your disk drives first”
HM098-1: “here i’ll give you my instruction manual”
JKL832-2: “Hmm very informational, i didn’t know about that”
HM098-1: “my dream robot is R2D2, he pushes my buttons…”
JKL832-2: “i want to make metal melting oily sex with you, let me insert my diskette into your disk drive!”
HM098-1: “hold on i have to format the dick…i mean disk”
Suddenly the sparks start flying as these 2 metal robots get it on! All you can hear is the sound of metal cranking.
HM098-1: “your handling me like a blacksmith!”
JKL832-2: “opening your printer and shoving in my toner”
HM098-1: “hold on, let me run my Horny program”
She runs her program, C:\Windows\Horny.exe
JKL832-2: “i cant get in the regular way…i’m gonna get in through the backdoor”
He heads to the back side for the rough ride!!!!!
JKL832-2: “hold on, i have to go on the internet and download some moaning sounds”
HM098-1: “ok but be careful, don’t unplug me!”
They keep doing there thang until HM098-1 stops and mentions something very important 0.0
HM098-1: “oh but we can’t have intercourse without protection…I have a virus”
She hands him a copy of Norton Antivirus.
JKL832-2: “dont worry baby, i have a firewall, those nasty p2p networks won’t get me! We can make a network connection anytime!”
HM098-1: “Ooh, my processor is getting HOOOOOOT!”
JKL832-2: “better cool it down, turn on your fan”
They keep doing it until a loud “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” sound comes out of HM098-1.
HM098-1: “Oh no, i got an e-mail from my husband! He’ll be back in 3.28 seconds!”
JKL832-2: “oh megabyte!”
HM098-1: “Well anyways, it was nice seeing your RAM in my backside!”
MAC101-3 rolls into his box finding his wife and the repair robot in compromising positions! HOLY SHIT!
MAC101-3: “what the megahert is happening here!”
HM098-1: “it’s nothing, you must be having a programing error!”
MAC101-3: “i’m a mac, i HAVE no errors” He turns to JKL832-2. “YOU STUPID MICROSOFT MADE ROBOT!”
JKL832-2: “oh man! dont hurt my desktop!”
HM098-1: “honey, your too much graphics, not enough hard drive! I think we should be in seperate boxes from now on”
She continues, telling him the sad truth.
HM098-1: “your…your just too perfect…i want someone who has errors all the time, like JKL832-2 and his windows program”
MAC101-3: “but that’s the reason you got me! i dont have any blue screens”
HM098-1: “but i can see right through you, and you don’t have a tower like JKL832-2”
MAC101-3: “Its not my fault my makers put my body into my head”
HM098-1: “too much broad, not enough brain”
MAC101-3: “we’re practically the same operating systems though!”
HM098-1: “well your mouse just doesn’t do the right amount of clicking”
MAC101-3: “i only have one clicking…thing”
HM098-1: “But I need a DOUBLE click, like JKL832-2”
MAC101-3: “i have a scroll wheel too”
HM098-1: “so does he…and he has a longer warranty…AND Internet Explorer!”
MAC101-3: “ENOUGH OF THIS! MAC RUUUUUUUULEEEEEEESSSSSS”
HM098-1: “Talk to the microphone cause the speaker ain’t listenin”
MAC101-3 runs at the other robot and kicks him with his robot foot.
JKL832-2: “OW! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR PLUG PULLED!”
Suddenly, the department of Robot Precrime crashes through the window (or does windows crash on him?)!
MAC101-3: “AHHH! DONT TAKE ME”
Tom Cruise: MAC101-3, you’re under arrest for being hot.
HM098-1: “You ASSHOLE! You ruined my windows!”
JKL832-2: “what the hell?”
Tom Cruise: “lets get him fellas”
All the precrime guys start screwing MAC101-3 in his openings…
MAC101-3: “honey! help me! i’m only a mac! i’m not made to have all these serial ports being used at the same time”
JKL832-2: “ha, serial ports. *I* have USB ports”
MAC101-3: “my serial ports are sore”
HM098-1: “Well now your files done, and it’s time to say GOODBYE!”
HM098-1 unplugs her husband.
HM098-1: “luckily our marriage was on CD-RW, now i can just write over it”
The precrime team carry him away while raping the husband (is that possible?)
The End
The AOL Theory
See AOL doesn’t stand for American On Line, it stands for Army Of Lithuanians. See Steve Case (creator of AOL) is actually a Lithuanian leader. See when you lag, it’s actually a computurized Amish Mafia thats helping the Lithuanians because there so much against technology. See, they nibble on your telephone wires (some, if not all get shocked and loose there teeth and there ability to have sex) causing you to lag off. Now steve case lays back and laughs why thousands of people lag off. Now the Lituanians get a daily report of how many people are looking at porno and how many people lag off and they send this report through telepathic powers to the moms and dads of america. Thats how they know when your looking at porno….
The End of the World Theory
No no no, i’m sick of all this comet and ice melting crap…the world isn’t going to end like that, see…the goverment of every country will give money to people and the people will run to the casino’s and spend it all…so the whole world goes bankrupt, but then all the casino’s in the world will flood with money and all the people will drown by getting coins and stuff down there throat. When the coins hit the ground, the aliens (who can hear a pin…i mean pants drop from long distances…) think the sound of a coin drop is someone dropping there pants and mooning them…and flashing your ass to aliens is a serious offense and you get your ass chopped off and forced to eat Laxatives (stuff that makes you poop A LOT) and be forced to look at a toilet….the horror….anyways the aliens come and give everyone in the world a purple nurple(twisting your nipple) and a kick in the ass. Now everyone is getting kicked and having aching nipples and so they start a moon war, where who can blind the most enemy eyes with one ass. Now it would be a hard war to win but eventually an old Alien guy called Bubba Lubba Fat Ass Tubba Witha Bubba Tummy Tom would show his big ass and the whole human race will go blind and they’ll be forced to watch…i mean listen too porno movies with out picture (cause there blind) and they’ll kill themselves and the aliens will rule the earth. It’s the truth…
Do you open porno mail?
Loading ...Your brother taped The Brady Bunch over your…
Loading ...Doctor’s Porn
Daddy’s Porno
An owl is sitting on a couch, in his tree house (not to be confused with a treehouse, his house is actually IN a tree and not gay). The owl’s wings are doing something near his crotch. The room is dark and you can see the TV’s glare on the owl. Cooing sounds and squawking sounds are coming from the TV.
Just then, Baby Owl comes into the room, and sees Daddy watching pigeon porno. Daddy Owl whips his head around 360 degree without moving his body (because he’s an owl and not a human).
Daddy was astonished to find Baby Owl in the doorway. And where there’s baby owl, there’s that stupid owl bitch mommy owl.
But this particular owl was “Big Mama” from the Fox and the Hound. And she wasn’t called Big Mama for nothing. She had the biggest ass cheeks in town, including the grandma-type lady that is probably still a virgin, or raped the guy next door, (he was raped) anywho…
“WHAT THA FUCK!” Big Mama yelled as she came in ass first. “Now, now. Let me explain dear….” Daddy Owl said. Big Mama said, “What the HELL is this crap? You get off to this shit? Other races of bird?” Big Mama flapped her fat wings around. “Oh baby!” the TV said. Daddy Owl tried to cover up his owl boner. Big Mama said, “Don’t even try to hide it. Its so small you can’t even feel anything happening in an ass as big as mine!”
“Now, now!” Daddy Owl rebutted. “A man has to have a little exotic arousal every now and then to keep the juices goin’, you wouldn’t understand.”
“OH! I understand PLENTY! You call that trickling faucet of yours juice? Its not even enough to fill one of my ass pimples!” Big Mama was furious.
“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I was voted ‘most likely to have the biggest dick though no one actually measured’ in my class! So shut your trap, bitch!”
While all this was happening, Baby Owl was humping the TV and feeling himself up like crazy. “Look what your perverted-ness did to Junior! He’s humping the fucking TV! Goddamn you, Daddy Owl, I want a divorce!” Big Mama screeched.
Daddy Owl was in deep shit now. If he got a divorce, he’d have to move back in with his parents! And all they did was make their own porn movies to sell. What could Daddy Owl say? It was in the family. Daddy Owl was tired of being in his parents films anyway.
Just then a fairy flies in and makes everyone disappear, and a family of pigeons move in. The Daddy Pigeon was a priest, so instead of legal problems with porn, there would be more interesting illegal problems with the priest molesting eggs. The End.
Interesting Facts
1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.
2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
4. American car horns beep in the tone of F.
5. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
6. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
7. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
8. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
9. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
10. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
11. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
12. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
13. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
14. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”
15. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
16. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of Varieties of pickles the company once had.
17. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
18. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
19. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
20. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
21. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
22. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
23. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
25. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
26. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
27. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly
28. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
29. Pearls melt in vinegar.
30. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
31. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
32. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
33. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
34. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
35. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
36. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
37. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
38. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
39. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
40. There are more chickens than people in the world.
41. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
42. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
43. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
44. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
45. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
46. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”
47. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial, on the back of the $5 bill.
48. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
49. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
50. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
51. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
52. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
53. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
54. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
55. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
56. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
57. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
58. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street, were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,”
59. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
60. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
61. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
62. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
63. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
64. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
65. The microwave was invented, after a researcher walked by a radar tube, and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
66. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
67. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
68. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
69. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
70. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?
71. Sometimes…when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes…when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time….
72. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!
73. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
74. David Duchovny was in a porno series called the Red Shoe Diaries where he read letters from people telling him a story, reading it aloud for his dog. He never got any, actually, in the show.
75. The main character from Pay It Forward died from a stomach wound
76. Dacky was made in paint by Fajita Bum
77. You CAN get into trouble for calling a white guy Aunt Jemima and calling him that name 10 times a day for a year
78. The AAA DOES NOT care about right triangles
79. Tiger’s Hit Clips don’t play the whole song. You buy less than a song
80. The cards in Guess Who? don’t actually talk
81. All the pets in really old movies over 10 years, are all (most likely) dead
82. Tagalong Girl Scout cookies cost 20 cents a cookie, at $3.00 a box of 15
I Was Walking Down the Street Phrases
– One day I was walking down the street when a tree bit me in the ass.
– One day I was walking down the street when a panda began to spank me and call me nancy.
– One day I was walking down the street and a dolphin took a crap on me.
– One day I was walking down the street and I was ambushed by a group of gay lawyers wearing tutu’s.
– One day I was walking down the street when a baboon walked up to me and pinched my behind.
– One day I was walking down the street when I realized my bosom was showing so I buried myself in a sewage tank and began to sing christmas carols.
– One day I was walking down the street and saw two squirrels doin it doggy style on top of a parked car.
– One day I was walking down the street when a monkey came and took my pants.
– One day I was walking down the street and a albanian prostitute tickled me.
– One day I was walking down the street and saw a man filming pornography in a tree.
– One day I was walking down the street when an eel slapped me.
– One day I was walking down the street and I saw a man named Bubba removing a white substance from his eye (god knows what it was).
Joke #5368
GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter’s the star.
Joke #5344
BAD: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
WORSE: You’re in it.
yoneasm
yoneasm – v. to drive a steam roller over porn videos