“hey, linebacker! show me your tits!”
– from the Radio
Tag Archives: football
Quote #13707
“makes it sticky so you can catch footballs? makes it slippery so you can’t?”
– Dr. OldNBald
Joke #13202
Q: What do you call a formal dance for the benefit of podiatry?
A: A football, naturally.
Joke #13104
FOOTBALL COACH: “Krumski, do you know what a pigskin is good for?”
KRUMSKI: “Sure, coach, it keeps the pig’s bones from falling apart.”
Joke #13095
How about the telephone operator who went to a football game and kept yelling at the players, “Hold the line, please! Hold the line, please!”
You Have Bad Luck If…
How can you tell if you’re one of life’s losers? …You don’t have any luck at all if:
– When you put a coin in the soda machine, you get your soda before the cup drops into place.
– You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it’s counterfeit.
– You get your big break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg.
– You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty.
– The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car’s engine does.
Joke #12840
A sports nut is someone who’s married to the TV set during the baseball, football and basketball seasons and married to a wife the rest of the time.
Joke #12837
Football player to his college coach: “I know I’m not too smart, coach, but can you stop the other guys from hiding my coloring books and crayons?”
Joke #12833
OVERHEARD: “When I was in college, I was on the football team, but the coach didn’t think much of my ability. I’ll never forget one rough game we played. Every player on my team got hurt except me. In the last quarter, with 3 minutes to go, our right tackle got hurt. I was sitting on the bench all by myself when the coach took a look over at me and said, ‘Kelly, get up and move aside. I’m sending the bench.'”
Joke #12821
Q: Why do hobos who play football make great pass receivers?
A: Because they know every down-and-out pattern in the book.
Joke #12666
MOTHER WACKLY: “Did I tell you my son, Roger, is playing end guard on the college football team this year?”
NEIGHBOR: “End guard? I never heard of an end guard.”
MOTHER WACKLY: “Yes, he told me he sits on the end of the bench and guards the water bucket!”
Joke #12665
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (to dumb football player): “Look, Mike, I’ll give you an easy test. Let’s say I take 7 apples from 12 apples. What’s the difference?”
FOOTBALL PLAYER: “That’s what I say, Prof, what’s the difference?”
Joke #12659
SPORTSCASTER: “It was a quiet afternoon in the National Football League today. Even though all the teams played, nothing exciting happened. Now, I’ll describe the action:
The Redskins scalped the Cowboys!
The Lions devoured the Saints!
The Vikings butchered the Dolphins!
The Chiefs massacred the Patriots!
The Falcons tore the Cardinals to shreds!
The Broncos trampled the Rams!
The Bears mauled the Buccaneers!
The Giants squashed the Packers!
The Jets shot down the Eagles!
And the Bengals chewed up the Colts!
As I said before, it was a quiet day in the N.F.L.”
Joke #12655
Q: Who are the most despised football players?
A: The offensive team.
Joke #12641
A football scout returned from the hills of Kentucky and told his boss, “I found a kid up there who is six feet, nine inches tall and weighs four hundred pounds. He has hands like hams and a neck size of thirty inches.”
The college coach jumped up from behind his desk and shouted, “He sounds like what the team needs. Bring him in.”
“I can’t,” said the scout. “His chain only reaches ten feet.”