You know those Cheese Squares that come in those hard to open plastic wrappers? Those aren’t what you think they are. There actually spy cameras that have been sent here by the Canadian UnSpecial Forces and The Mexican Salsa Dancers Union. The cameras (“cheese singles”) are sold to house holds and plan to take over your fridge. You might be like: “Whoa wait a minute, MY fridge?” Yes YOUR Fridge. They plan to start a war (they are also robots) and blast everything in your fridge so it goes bad and gets all rotten and ucky and disgusting. Those lumps when your milk goes bad are the cheese’s poop. Notice how there always sold in packs and never in singles? And why are they so hard to open? It’s EASY! They just want you to throw the “cheese squares” in the fridge while they zap all your other food and make it go rotten…
Lean Pockets vs. Hot Pockets
Beware, next time you go to the store and go to the freezer aisle and see “Lean Pockets” next to “Hot Pockets”. What is this “Lean”? I want my damn POCKETS FREAKIN HOT not LEAN! Lean, I believe, is an evil fruit grown next to beans that comes from Carrot top’s garden. Bean sellers are running out of Beans so they need cheap imitations and so Carrot top came up with a cheap imitation: “Leans”. Leans are round and fluffy and look like fat jamacan when pumped up. The fruit plans to make us talk in weird JFK accents and make us look like Chunks from the movie: “The Goonies”. They ARE EVIL! If you see FAT JAMACANS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Microwave Popcorn Theory
How long does it take to get all the popcorn’s popped? After serious amounts of time waisted and a series of failed expirements resulting in the kitchen flooded with Gas of burnt popcorn, I have finally waisted all my time to finally conclude this: Nothing. I have realized over and over that there is no possible way to get all the popcorns popped. Microwave popcorn is the number one cause for house fires and heart attacks and syphillis or insanity. Yes it’s true. There has been also some evidence in Bosnia and Britain that Microwave Popcorn causes the Ebola Virus. Anyways what the popcorn does is it spends about 3:00 minutes of your life watching a stupid thing inflate. This causes you to have anxiety to jump in the microwave, eat the popcorn and get severly burnt.
Also the “Popping” sound isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a secret code thats transferred to your body. This code says to your body: “Cho mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth wit BUTTER.” Now your body gets all mad and trys to fight it off and shut it up. This causes you to go insane or get syphillis. I’m already insane so I wasn’t affected by the popcorns evil deeds. Beware, the popcorn has something popin up! Get it? Something Popin’ up? You don’t get it do you? Forget it, it’s over your head….
The Ship-Bottle Theory
Now everyone HAS to know how they do it. It’s SO simple. You know what Milk does right? And what does Kix, the cereal, does? They make people GROW right? So, all they have to do is make the opposite of Milk and Kix. They make a formula called Mlik and Punchz. Mlik and Punchz are the opposite of Milk and Kix and they help things Shrink. They feed a ship Mlik and Punchz and the ship shrinks. They then take the ship, wash the poop deck with shit with a sailor who was also shrunk with the ship and they shove the ship and the sailor into a bottle and cork it up. Now the sailor cleans the ship forever in that bottle. How could you not KNOW this?
The Heaven Hell Theory
Is there such thing as Heaven and Hell? Well, Heaven and Hell aren’t what you think they are. Heaven isn’t some Blue wonderful world with puffy white clouds and people playing Harmonicas. Also they don’t have cute little wings and those yellow circle thingies on there head. Heaven is actually, believe it or not, Candy Land. Yes, it is that board game. I mean why wouldn’t it be? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Candy=Everyone LOVES Candy (except for those weird people that give candy OUT on Halloween…what is up with that)? and Land=uh…it’s…uh…land…made out of…candy…Yeah that’s it, Land made out of candy. And people eat away at the land and when the people eat ALL the candy they drop down to hell for being so greedy. Now Hell is not some flaming hot red place with people running around naked with big red buts. No, it’s a series of tortures. Like the: “Beeping computer torture.” This torture is one of the worst of all time. A person sits at a computer and turns it on. The computer beeps. So the person tries and tries and TRYS to fix it but no matter what, it will still keep beeping and beeping and beeping (it drives them on the brink of insanity). Another torture is the “Brady Bunch Torture” where you watch every single gay episode of the Brady Bunch. This turns you fruity and insane…And yet 1 more torture is the “Pick up Machine Torture”. Ever goes to those arcades and go to that machine with the claw where you put money into and try to grab one of those toys with the claw? Now IMAGINE doing that for ETERNITY and NEVER EVER picking up one of those toys with the claw! Ugh that’s HORRIBLE! Who ever thought up tortures like this? Anyways you are FORCED to do it for eternity…I’ve just officially grossed my self out with thinking of these tortures, I’m done…
The End of the World Theory
No no no, i’m sick of all this comet and ice melting crap…the world isn’t going to end like that, see…the goverment of every country will give money to people and the people will run to the casino’s and spend it all…so the whole world goes bankrupt, but then all the casino’s in the world will flood with money and all the people will drown by getting coins and stuff down there throat. When the coins hit the ground, the aliens (who can hear a pin…i mean pants drop from long distances…) think the sound of a coin drop is someone dropping there pants and mooning them…and flashing your ass to aliens is a serious offense and you get your ass chopped off and forced to eat Laxatives (stuff that makes you poop A LOT) and be forced to look at a toilet….the horror….anyways the aliens come and give everyone in the world a purple nurple(twisting your nipple) and a kick in the ass. Now everyone is getting kicked and having aching nipples and so they start a moon war, where who can blind the most enemy eyes with one ass. Now it would be a hard war to win but eventually an old Alien guy called Bubba Lubba Fat Ass Tubba Witha Bubba Tummy Tom would show his big ass and the whole human race will go blind and they’ll be forced to watch…i mean listen too porno movies with out picture (cause there blind) and they’ll kill themselves and the aliens will rule the earth. It’s the truth…
The Big Slap Theory
See the world didn’t begin with a big bang, it began with a big smack. God smacked the devil because the devil was beating him at twister. So god, with his bad sportsman ship and all, said: “I condemm you to be a Human” and the devil said: “NOOOOOOOOO oh well, as long as I get blunts and girls and superbowl’s” So then God smacked him and it created the devil to fart 9 times, each fart let out a planet. (Of course, he farted out venus first cause he just ate a chilly dog with extra cheese) and earth was the last one to pop out. Then god smacked him down to earth and thats how it all began.
Toe Cheese
i just figureed out the biggest conspiracy ever! and it comes in your lunch every day!! well, it comes in my lunch every day… you all like cheetos, right? well think about this for a second… to-chee… toe- cheese!! disgusting, right? little moldy orange crunchy toes… oh well, i still like the cheesey flavor!! (eww!)
This and That Theory
Everyone is always confusing me with right and left. Don’t laugh. It’s very confusing when you think about it. There’s right and left, your right my left, and my right your left. It really all depends on what relation the other person is standing to you. I have come up with a solution to this problem. From now on, insted of left and right, it will be this and that. You may think it sounds even more confusing, but it’s not when you think about it. If you use “this” instead of left and “that” instead of right. There is no more my or your.
Old
“Clip the wire on my right… or is it your right or your left…” :: BOOM::
New
“Clip the wire on that side.” :: World is saved ::
It is the perfect solution for a big problem!
The Media
Just the goal these two into with Iran would provide their own a don’t want to read an embedded into that there are it in action and you don’t when the when he has written Earl there’s very little trees 28 and jump in whatever your from the caption new line an attempt it was at the one voted to third parties return after “for the return it comes and there is running of ethnic in no infections are good for the heart alma beneath the don’t just the he and he went before, where work with keeping up even before we can look for its dire by that the their livestock eighth by providing registered in their and on but when he eight of these did what they had hoped issued by 100 is the story in only be really tell when the with these are men and the start getting around into being depicted dipping their own at least every new and its new that and not on the impersonal so when its own monkeys in no you are not or and the issue the month now if you want only and you could probably didn’t touch with my idea elfin so if you really wanted to you could easily be yet you no, I mean furiously on at what they have been the reserve has in others the monkeys learning the Julian honorsmonkeys are no longer (use the oil and 1128 zero block it its pool yet now if you what they want to see what he’s issue probably didn’t achievement refundable and he knows what he’s and the monkeys are very cheap Lucia bimonthly yet easy you don’tand you really want among theseissue, however if and that they did you issued since she wants the into the him into he did TT t & t the TT when I AT&T slender sneakers the current because the current two words from a year surrounding a little monkeys and a little monkeys are actually not very little there actually already actually at nineteenths are good for over a idea amateur radio blackjack problem he won’t leave and he won’t leave because he has a but 1:00 PM but when you their man who of the park, wait, do not go on what your teeth and what been known a he’s doing what to buy those where he’s usually don’t team and your and valid as Ethernet has insulate them into video over what they have some it because been determined what they fade into the dark the back monument user verdict will hurt because monkeys are very good for the heart.
Well it is goood the monkey living plan theis good to line the third it is also good monkeys who new world will have being he loved him virus time to long-time member two of the engine will lead in the turd with them and an internal internal action in action in fiction infection in action the animate just me know if you arm I regret want to buy someone has I didn’t use that had been than ninetieths if it just go with it for what when I know you know when do you know at it ok? OK Tariq now own writing you don’t have gotten even on at its end to Cuomo an apartment time and has ever had incentive it routes in London user verdict will hurt as 90 m. There are a gets it is true now earn, and in relay, on would surely? You do not like the means, I do not think you do no you don’t not at all I do not think so you do not well it’s been met on into Lamont users do good or because you see even if you get either be used to look at the zoom one or I am the immune to with the or how rooftop news than I knew they will he won’t now see here are he’s now if you still on the monkey weren’t going to pay me did the part $2.00 dollars dollars, don’t things abgot jobs and their circuits were he’s or as they get jobs and humans not jobs that would be good jobs 1919 at MIT at will you see on the image talking to let an early sure you’re actually interested memo from 80-just tell you to leave because I have other people what to buy the monkey and what the monkeys and what will come into its own it prout what you see what their job at a normaleasy in monkeys what John woven of had to cover the but can’t half-hour of the job or not permit he’s jobs every him means be to give effect them are new beyond what if the warrior fair and David fact that may affect every mall right an average an irate it doesn’t hurt its new infection afternoon will 70 the end of 70’s a bit 00 think that we poop.
Thank you.
Obesity
obesity is no laughing matter. millions of americans die each year because of obesity. 10 billion people died in the last year in kentucy alone…. wait, that doesn’t add up…. i don’t even know what obesity is!! something to do with comfortable fat? maybe? feel free to enjoy some of the more flillousourus (look it up) parts of squackle now. bye.
The Melon Gripe
Melons melons melons. There are so many melons in the world, it’s horrendous: watermelon, cantaloupe, Honeydew Melon. I mean who comes up with these names? I don’t eat Honeydew because its name deceives me into thinking I’m eating honey-flavored rain. And cantaloupe….I don’t even know about that, but I know the majority of it tastes pretty nasty. I didn’t even know there was a u in cantaloupe until I typed this up in Microsoft Word. Thank God for automatic spelling check, huh?
I like watermelon. Artificially flavored things that taste like watermelon! Half the time, watermelon has seeds in it, and it’s always too mushy. I like the really crisp watermelon, like how it is around the rinds. Mmm….rinds. The only time I hate the artificial flavoring is when it tastes like plastic.
The Metric System is for Wussies
This was written as an editorial and given as a speech in front of dave’s 12th grade English class.
———————————-
America has come to be the most advanced country in the world. We are a super power, yet we don’t use the metric system, like the rest of the world. Sure, you could say that the U.S. is trying to be different than all the other countries of the world, kind of like how we have cars with the drivers on the left side. But, this is not the case.
The reason America does not change to the metric system, is because the metric system is for wussies. Everything is so easy in the metric system, a scientist may say. Everything goes in increments of ten. Well maybe we don’t want to go in increments of ten. We assert ourselves against this, because we’d rather go in increments of different numbers that don’t have any relation between them. I have grown to love the Imperial/US System of measurement. I can guess how far a mile is better than a kilometer. A mile is a lot more efficient to use than a kilometer, in the U.S. One mile is easier to say than 1.609 kilometers, for instance. If you said you had to run the 1.609 kilometer in P.E. today, nobody is going to understand what that means. They’re probably going to think it was some cheesy relay race.
Besides that, if we actually DID change to the metric system, we’d have to spend billions of dollars changing all the street signs to say 1.609 km to the next exit, and its variables. This money would have been spent on Medicare or helping the homeless, or building another shiny new air craft carrier with a big bow on it, but no, its going to be spent on changing street signs. Street signs too much money to replace.
The movement for the metric system is just another example of a minority ruining it for the majority. What does the majority think? Of course, they’d probably want the system they’ve grown up with their whole lives, and have used almost everyday of their lives. If the metric system were to be in place, all monetary issues aside, it would take a few generations to flush out the use of inches and feet. Textbooks would have to be replaced and tracks would have to be redesigned. The whole sport of football will just become one big confusing experience. Football fields would be made to have 91.44 meters instead of 100 yards. Hooray, he’s made it to the 55.82 meter line! The metric system will go so far as to ruin the way we eat. Gone are the days of using a tablespoon, you have to use a slightly bigger version of it, called the Fifteen Milliliterspoon. How fun is that? Now we have to buy all-new silverware!
However, if we did have the metric system in place, the only conceivable advantage would be that it is easy. It is a lot easier to say how many meters are in a kilometer than it is to say how many feet are in a mile. Everything has some sort of relation to them, and whoever made it thought it just made sense how it is.
However, things are the way they are for a reason. The reason is because it’s been in place since the beginning of the United States, no better reason than that. Nothing good can come out of converting to the metric system. The only thing that CAN come out of it is the spending of money. People are used to the way things are, and there is no reason to change. For those that had tried to change to the metric system, they just had to spend even more money to convert back to the way they had it before. We’ve done without it for 200 years, why not for the rest of time?
Gay Stupid Memorex
A long time ago, there was this moderately good deal for getting a 50 cd pack of cd-rs at Office Depot. The thing was this: get a 50 cd pack of cd-rs and you get a 25 pack of multicolored slim cases, and an 8 dollar rebate. That day, i was filling it out and i sent the rebate out. That was at least 6 months ago.
Now on the 8th of April, i saw another good deal with Memorex cds. This was the deal: 2 packs of 100 cd-rs and 2 packs of 25 slim cases all for a little less than 40 bucks. Those smug bastards think they can get away with me having to buy 150 more slim cases to cover the rest of them. Well they’re WRONG! Anyway, i have to admit that was a good deal. But it got me to thinking. What the FUCK happened to my 8 dollar rebate?! Its been like 6 months! They said it would take a long time, but it shouldn’t take half a year to process a fucking rebate. I want my 8 bucks! What if I had rent to pay, and I needed that 8 bucks THAT month?! Now i’m 8 bucks in debt, and the landlord isn’t letting up on me for that 8 bucks! I don’t have a job, i just can’t PAY anyone I want and BUY anything I damn well please!
Now, I am announcing today, the Get Dave Back His Rebate From Memorex After Buying the 50 CD-Rs With a Free Pack of 25 Multicolored Slim Cases and a Rebate That Never Came Back After He Sent It In Foundation. Or GDBHRFMAB50CDRWFP25MSCRTNCBAHSIIF for short. Now I will stop at nothing to get my 8 bucks back. I will write emails, make phone calls, and I’ll drive over there to Michigan or San Francisco or wherever the hell they are. And you are free to join me in my quest. Write emails to Memorex, with the subject line “Give davepoobond’s Rebate Money, You Fat Pigs” or something along the lines of a denoting them to a farmyard animal.
Be on the lookout for a road trip. If you give me your address, and you’re along the way to either Michigan or San Francisco, I’ll swing by and pick you up. You better bring some money, because I’m not driving a U-Haul, unless you buy one for me, then you can come for free.
#7888: Lumpy -> davepoobond: The PS3 Theory
The PS3 Theory was a discussion through IM between Lumpy and davepoobond.
——————————–
Lumpy: hey… about PS3… there is something about it in my PSM
davepoobond: what does it say about it
Lumpy: 1000 times more powerful than PS2
davepoobond: wat tgeadkjf
davepoobond: is that all?
Lumpy: it didn’t go into much detail but PS6 or PS7 might have biotechnology
davepoobond: oh man that’ll be cool
Lumpy: yup
davepoobond: it could be like in that movie eXistenZ
davepoobond: have you seen it?
Lumpy: no.. all they have is a pic of a chip
davepoobond: i was talking about the movie
Lumpy: oh… didn’t see that other part
Lumpy: and no
davepoobond: o. its worth watching. its cool
davepoobond: they have this thing called a pod that makes you go into games
Lumpy: sounds like Reboot
davepoobond: no from real life. you plug it into your body a place called a bioport
Lumpy: ah
davepoobond: and you’re actually in the game. you feel and taste and smell and junk, and it hooks up to your spine
Lumpy: whoa
davepoobond: but that was actually inside a game in the movie
Lumpy: I figured
davepoobond: a game inside a game, meaning
davepoobond: it like that
davepoobond: the “actual” game system hooked up to your head i guess, and there was a pad on your hand, and it was in groups, where different people took different parts in the game
Lumpy: interesting
davepoobond: and everyone played the same game
davepoobond: you should rent it
Lumpy: haven’t had much time to rent things
davepoobond: is that all it says about the next ps systems?
Lumpy: yeah
Lumpy: still very much in development and won’t come out for a few years
davepoobond: 2005 i heard
davepoobond: on a forum board
davepoobond: but they’ll pry push it back
Lumpy: to get it right I hope
davepoobond: i think that it’ll be 400 bucks
davepoobond: ps6 and 7 will pry be 1k and more
Lumpy: we will see
davepoobond: wtf is 8 and 9 gonna be. i guess i know what 9 is gonna be like. that’d be funny if 8 attached to your brain by snorting it, and you can play a game at any time, by eating it
Lumpy: maybe
davepoobond: and regular foods had crappy games, and you could keep storing games
davepoobond: “mmh, potato ::eats:: ah man, not another space invaders game. this is a hundred years old”
Lumpy: lol
davepoobond: and if you eat something with food poisoning, you lose games
Lumpy: settle down
davepoobond: “::eats a mushroom:: omg! my final fantasy 23 got deleted! that’s a 600 dollar snort! NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
davepoobond: and you could make your own games, and when you were done with them, you could blow it out of your nose
Lumpy: or out of your ass
davepoobond: that’d be from developers
davepoobond: they’d feed crap to millions of people, and when they crapped it out, they’d sell it off
davepoobond: or have automatic crappers
davepoobond: because by then, who needs to actually crap when you can have something else crap FOR you
davepoobond: this is the future, COMON
Lumpy: future not here yet
davepoobond: well i’m talking about wat it’d be like
Lumpy: I doubt it will be like that
davepoobond: they’ll be so lazy they dont even have to go to the bathroom, they have something else go for them
davepoobond: yepppp