My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humour for no apparent reason.
Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.
I asked, “Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?”
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”
We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: “Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed.”
These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: “Jammed if you do — and jammed if you don’t.”
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, “Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us,” she replied.
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really” she spat. “then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”
1. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
2. Keeps screaming, “My name’s not BO-zo, it’s bo-ZO!”
3. Props for his “disappearing” trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
4. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the “Severed Limb” trick.
5. Didn’t bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
6. Prefaces each trick with, “here’s a little number I learned in the joint.”
7. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, “Drug-free since March!”
9. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a “snake on acid.”
10. Business cards include the phrase “From the Mind of Stephen King…”
11. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
1. Big Ass Tax Write-off.
2. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
3. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.
4. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
5. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
6. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
7. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.
8. Would you want to hunt for Christmas Balls?
9. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
10. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job!
1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
3. He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol.
4. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
5. Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
7. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.
8. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
9. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, dumbass.”
11. When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say’s “Sure, that will be a picnic!” (PICNIC in techy lingo stands for Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
I was at my bank to make a deposit when the clerk behind the counter turned to the computer for information. As she touched a button, a small part suddenly flew off the machine.
All sorts of odd symbols started flashing across the screen.
I heard her gasp, and then she turned to me in wide-eyed wonder and exclaimed, “It’s swearing at me!”
A Colleague was having a hard time operating her desktop computer.
It was apparent that she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered at the screen, “I know one thing. If I had a glass face like you do, I’d sure behave better.”
A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, “Give me your hand!” But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”
“I am an IRS agent,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Joe, “Take my hand!”
The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe’s hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, “Never ask an IRS agent to “give” you anything, you fools!”
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through — and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”
“To tell the the truth,” he replied, “he seemed a little depressed to me.”