Stories

Bears

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davepoobond and SSR Guy filled this MadLibs in.

–

If you go to some run-down place like Yellowstone National Elephant, you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and galloping pieces of poop.

There are 3 kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the pie-like bear and the smelly bear. Bears spend most of their time pooing or farting.

They look very smelly pie-like, but if you make them crappy, they may bite your platypus.

Bears will come up to your car and beg for grapes. They will stand on their hind legs and clap their gophers and pretend to be elephant-like.

But don’t get out of your poop mobile or offer the bears any pies or onions.

This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as poopoo and more poopoo.

Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation farting and not get eating by a crrrap.

–

davepoobond filled in this one by himself:

–

If you go to some gay place like Yellowstone National Pussy, you must know how to deal with wild animals such as bears and wolves and panties.  The most important of these is the bear.  There are three kinds of bears:  the grizzly bear, the lesbian bear, and the horny bear.  Bears spend most of their time sexing or fucking.  They look very gay but if you make them ugly, they may bite your pussy.  Bears will come up to your car and beg for fruits.  They will stand on their hind legs and clap their bears together and pretend to be ugly.  But do not get out of your X-33 or offer bears apples or veggies.  This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as fish and dogs.  Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation slowly and not get eaten by a ninja.

Stories

You’ll Flip Over Flipper

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Flipper has been a household man ever since he made his poo-like debut on television in the marijuana-filled 1960s.

Boys, girls, even poopoos to this day fall in love with this smelly dolphin the minute they lay their legs on him.

After all, who can resist a dolphin that makes you poo out loud as he leaps 13 feet into the poo and catches a gas with his butts?

When Flipper lets out a loud fart, you just know he’s farting to prove beyond a shadow of a fart that dolphins are among the smartest farts in the ocean.

Lists

Television Listings

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For those campers who have a cold or poison poo, and are forced to stay in their toilet for the day, here is a list of TV crap you can watch.
– – – –
7 A.M.: The Fucking Early News. With PooPoo McGoo as the anchor prostitute and Marilyn Manson giving the weather. Special report on retirement home for old hos and teenage creaming
– – – –
10 A.M.: The Charles Manson $50,000 Invitational Pro-Am Man Killing Tournament. Held at the famous Alley Club in Rhode Island
– – – –
11 A.M.: The only movie today is “Rambo Breaks His Ass,” and it stars me as Rambo’s father and you as his ho. In this picture, Rambo kills everyone in his ass.
– – – –
2 P.M.: Documentary about fucked up animals living on the African ass. A study of lions, tigers, and turds. Should be viewed carefully.

Fairy Tales, Stories

Dollars and Sense

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Once upon a time there was a rich guy named Ron Hubbles, III. Everybody just called him Muffins, though. His gangster friends called him Muvvenz. So, one day Muffins was in his vault admiring how much money he had. He had so much money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could’ve bought a country! But, instead he bought a ghetto in the middle of a city near Los Angeles.

Muffins, owning the ghetto, could do anything he wanted. He changed the name of the ghetto to Ronhub. He also changed all the names of the streets to a varied form of his name, Ron Hubbles, III. There were streets like Ronald, Ronald 2, The Hub, Ubbles, Hubbles III, etc. Yes, life was grand in the ghetto. All the windows that had been broken were boarded up, and it was a safe place because everyone had 8 locks on their doors. But one day, a good four days after it was bought, the ghetto Ronhub became a killing field. Gangsters from all over LA came into Ronhub, and shot everyone they could, because Muffins was sleeping with all their favorite hoes that lived in the area.

Everyone died. There were brains and pantless asses strewn across the streets. Some were even on the roofs of houses. Muffins sold the ghetto the next day, and no one moved into the area again. All the houses were used as crack houses for a year until a meth lab exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew up all the other drug labs in the ghetto.

The moral of the story:
You can’t buy love.

The End.

Fairy Tales, Stories

Take Me Home!

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Once upon a time there was a peaceful alien planet. The inhabitants of the planet, the Calcules have enjoyed many luxuries, and has seen no war for the last 300,000 years. This race focused on education and the well-being of others. Sure there was the usual crime of someone paying too much Schniza, the English translation of the money the Calcules had, for a product. Yes, life was good.

Once upon a time, there was another planet called Earth. Well, Earth was a fucked up place because they had vampires, werewolves, zombies, and bats with penises the size of an elephant’s. Well, this other race of aliens, called the 9 Star 9 80085, was on a purifying mission, and they blew up the Earth.

So, thinking nothing of it anymore, the 9 Star 9 80085s left. But the immortal creatures of the Earth flew around space for another thousand space years, which is about 300 million Earth years. Eventually they all landed on the home world of the Calcules!

There was turmoil all across the lands. Zombies were eating the aliens, and since zombies ate brains, the aliens gave them a feast! The zombies got smarter, and turned the remaining parts of the aliens into shotguns, shooting all the other aliens with them.

The vampires gouged out all the alien’s eyes and sucked out their blood like that. The werewolves cut off the alien’s necks in one swipe. The bats with big penises drove in the alien humvees, and with a gattling gun the zombies made, the zombies shot every alien they could find.

There was a professional alien game called Alienball going on too. Everyone was having a good time, and no one knew of the cataclysms going on outside. The vampires built ramps going up to the top of the stadium on all sides, and once they were all built, at the same time, 3000 bats with big penises with zombies shooting gattling guns drove up the ramps and flew into the air, all of them shooting at the same time. Werewolf paratroopers and vampire fighter planes swooped in and killed all the aliens.

The End.

Fuck you Mark.

Horrible…

Calculator Fun

Calculator Words

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These keys are the only ones that can be used as letters upside down on a calculator.

1 – I
2 – 2 (or to)
3 – E
4 – H
5 – S
6 – G
7 – L
8 – B
0 – O or D (if you need the 0 to be on the end of the word, put a decimal and then type the rest of the number)

These are all the words that can be made. If you have another word, leave a comment:

Hi – 14

Blob – 8078

Hell – 7734

Blog – 6078

Glob – 8076

Hello – 0.7734

Shell – 77345

Ho – 0.4

His Glob – 8076.514

His – 514

His Blob – 8078.514

His Hell – 7734.514

Shells – 577435

Ill – 771

Shibobo – 0.808145

Bobo – 0.808

Lose – 3507

Loses – 53507

Hells – 57734

Blobs – 58078

Blogs – 56078

hoho – 0.404

hohos – 50404

hos – 504

bobos – 50808

boob – 8008

hoohooo – 0.004004

boobies – 5318008

boobless – 55378008

go2hell – 7734206

Less – 5537

hill – 7714

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10377: davepoobond -> Holmes

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davepoobond: If you wrote 1 million and 1 billion on a piece of paper, how many kidney beans are in a can of tuna?

A. I like to play with hot dogs

B. 15

C. ha

D. toss it higher, we’re down to 12 seconds!

Holmes: D

Holmes: definetly

davepoobond: thats actually a pretty funny question huh

Holmes: yes

Holmes: i made a loud laugh and my brother told me to shut up

davepoobond: ask him the question

Holmes: he said: “WHAT THE FUCK?”

davepoobond: lol

Holmes: heh

Holmes: he read the question

Holmes: and said “thats the stupidest question ever…your friend is retarded”

davepoobond: ask him this then

davepoobond: 46. How do you pee?

A. Standing up

B. Sitting down

C. Squatting next to a bush

D. Laying down, so you can make a “pee pee fountain”
Holmes: he said option d was gay

davepoobond: cuz he’s not a real man, thats why

davepoobond: all REAL men do D

Holmes: lol

Holmes: he said “he must be doin C…what a fuckin crackhead”

davepoobond: 59. Which actress do you like best?

A. Nicole Kidman

B. Penelope Cruz

C. Tom Cruise

D. Rosie O’Donnel

Holmes: he said B./…she’s fuckin hot

Holmes: and laughed at tom cruise

davepoobond: An oak tree’s fruit is known as…

A. acorn

B. rose

C. needle

D. calculator

Holmes: he said your fruity

davepoobond: Men that most use power saws are called…

A. loggers

B. foremen

C. farmers

D. politicians

Holmes: d

davepoobond: get any lately?

A. yes

B. no

C. Get what?

D. I’m a retard

Holmes: he said A and i called him a liar and he punched me

Holmes: lol

davepoobond: ahaha

davepoobond: What would you most likely say when confronted by a man-eating bunny?

A. Its on a bridge

B. I’m going to star in a movie with the women from Murder She Wrote

C. I am Iron Man

D. Hi

Holmes: he told me stop asking him retarded q1uestions then said C lol

davepoobond: What do you think Michael Jackson would do if his house burned down or it was blown up?

A. Do a Moonwalk

B. clap his hands to make it all go away

C. Ask for the help of children

D. die

Holmes: lol

Holmes: he laughed a little bit and said C then said “then rape them all”

davepoobond: haha

davepoobond: What hardship did the Pilgrims endure during their trip across the Atlantic?

A. No plumbing

B. secrets about gold coins in every box of Cocoa Puffs

C. Corn flakes

D. Winnie the Pooh was the only book to read

Holmes: lol

Holmes: B

davepoobond: What would you do if you had 90,000 donuts?

A. sell them for 30 cents each

B. jump into them

C. eat them

D. drive a semi truck through them

Holmes: definetly D

davepoobond: True or False: Watermelon

A = True

B = False

C = Go to Hell

davepoobond: thats all i got right now

Holmes: he said D: go to hell and fuck yourself

davepoobond: ask him “wanna help me do the second part?”

Holmes: he said: No

Holmes: he’s playin wrestlemania

davepoobond: heh

Holmes: like the homosexual he is

Holmes: and i’m saying this outloud while i’m typing it

Holmes: so he canjk;fds;dds;’sdd i’;’mmmmmmm gaydooosuj

davepoobond: haha

Holmes: asshole

Holmes: yeah anyways

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: remember GUTS?

Holmes: oh yeah

Holmes: lol

Holmes: old school nickelodeon

Holmes: my brother farted that retard

davepoobond: lol

Holmes: jeeze man your lucky you don’t have retarded older brothers

davepoobond: worse, i have a bitchy younger sister

Holmes: yeah but you can over power her easily

Holmes: duct tape always works

davepoobond: right

Holmes: and belts

davepoobond: meteors don’t make good fertilizer

Holmes: …..

Holmes: uh ok

davepoobond: bouncing barracuda! I’ve been hooked!

Holmes: heh

Holmes: is that from sponge bob square pants?

davepoobond: i dont know

davepoobond: probably

Holmes: have yu ever watched the show?

davepoobond: yeah, hate it

Holmes: !!!!!!

Holmes: what!

Holmes: how can you hate it?

davepoobond: its not funny

Holmes: eh i guess everyone has there opinion

davepoobond: it has SOME funny parts in it, but as a whole i wouldnt watch it for anything

Holmes: i mean i can understand just not likin it but hating it……

davepoobond: i dont really hate it

davepoobond: but if i had a choice between sponge bob and land before time VII, i’d watch land before time VII

davepoobond: it seems like a copout from all their other shows

Holmes: some episodes are ALRIGHT

Holmes: but you have to see the one where they remake a store orientation video for the krusty krab for newly hired employees

Holmes: it’s hilarious to me because i;’ve seen one of those crappy ones at my work and i thought how crappy it was

Holmes: but anyways

Holmes: whatever

Holmes: enough said

davepoobond: i dont like any of the new nick toons

davepoobond: i guess thats why i really dont like sponge bob, cuz its a new nick toon

Holmes: yeah most of them are dumb

davepoobond: its just got something about it, more politically correct kind of cartoon kind of thing

Holmes: i just lik spongebob

davepoobond: more retarded

Holmes: not really

Holmes: you have to see some of the stuff they do…

davepoobond: before, it was like intellectual kind of things, like ren and stimpy, ahh real monsters

davepoobond: and rugbrats

Holmes: sponge bob is actually more intellectual then you think…you just have to look below the surface…the surface is for the kids who don’t get it

Holmes: and laugh because a stupid sponge and a starfish sound retarded

davepoobond: of course, thats what they do for all cartoons, even sesame street

davepoobond: all kid tv shows

Holmes: not really

Holmes: rockos modern life was basically for adults

davepoobond: and thats what makes the children introduced to adult themes earlier in life

Holmes: simpsons same thing

Holmes: ren and stimpy

Holmes: king of the hill

davepoobond: but simpsosn and king of the hill are on network stations

Holmes: true

davepoobond: ren and stimpy and rocko were on nickelodean

Holmes: rugrats are for everyone

davepoobond: what adult watched nickelodean? almost none

davepoobond: only when their kid was did they

davepoobond: its all a conspiracy

Holmes: heh

davepoobond: the dumbing down of america

davepoobond: grab the kids, then pull the parents in

Holmes: they did a recent poll

Holmes: college kids watch more nicktoons then adults

davepoobond: because they grew up with it

Holmes: especially spongebob

Holmes: for some odd reason

Holmes: i dunno

Holmes: anyways

Holmes: forget this

davepoobond: conspiracy conspiracy

Holmes: ren and stimpy are classics

Holmes: “YOU STUUUPID IIIIIDIOT!”

Holmes: *slap*

davepoobond: yeah that was great

Holmes: even though that was the reason why my brother mike kept hitting me :-\

Holmes: he always use to say that after we watched the show

Holmes: and then slap me

Holmes: and we get into a fight

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: i gtg later

Holmes: later

–

End of IMs3

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10376: fartsinajar -> davepoobond

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fartsinajar: guess what

fartsinajar: im leaving

davepoobond: for?

fartsinajar: to go to the pub for a hamburger

davepoobond: oh

fartsinajar: should be tasty

davepoobond: thats great

fartsinajar: bye

davepoobond: yeah ok bye

davepoobond: get drunk

davepoobond: and think of me :-*

–

Later.

–

fartsinajar: hey i didnt get drunk

davepoobond: ya sure whatever

fartsinajar: look im back now and im not drunk

davepoobond: ok

fartsinajar: good im glad were clear

davepoobond: i’m supposed to believe you went to a pub and didnt touch a lick of liquor (haha that rhymed)

fartsinajar: haha

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10375: davepoobond -> TBomb

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davepoobond: ray

davepoobond: or should i say Raymo Washington

TBomb: HAHA

davepoobond: wut’d u do for halloweenery

TBomb: stay home and study for tests

TBomb: u?

TBomb: hehe

davepoobond: trick or treated

TBomb: luky

davepoobond: i dressed up as a box, and i put a paper bag on my head

TBomb: omg..

TBomb: are you serious/

davepoobond: yep

TBomb: dats the coolest costume ever!

davepoobond: it was like a mattress type of box

davepoobond: like what a mattress would be if it were a box

davepoobond: and there were arm holes in it for my arms

davepoobond: and a hole for my head

TBomb: HAHA

davepoobond: my bag had eyeholes in it, and it had a unibrow

TBomb: HAHA

TBomb: its the cardboard monster!

davepoobond: everyone else wasn’t really dressed up as anything

davepoobond: there’s like 3 guys not really dressed up as anything and then a box

TBomb: HAHA

davepoobond: everyone started calling me sponge bob square pants

davepoobond: that was dumb

TBomb: oh! you shouldve painted urself yellow

davepoobond: the bag was crying blood

davepoobond: nooooooooo

TBomb: dat wouldve been cool

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: it woulda been gay

TBomb: HAHAH

davepoobond: but it was pretty funny

davepoobond: some stupid assholes started punching me and shit too

TBomb: HAHA

davepoobond: and then they ran away

TBomb: little kids?

davepoobond: no, sophomores

TBomb: HAHAHHAHAHAH

davepoobond: people take advantage of the box

TBomb: poor box

davepoobond: they ran away, so i couldnt really see who it was that actually hit me

davepoobond: i woulda chased after them if i knew

davepoobond: and then beat them on their head

davepoobond: with my 5 pound bag of candy

TBomb: i was a house

TBomb: HAHA

davepoobond: everyone said “oh that’s creative”

davepoobond: to my costume

TBomb: brb

davepoobond: and some old drunk people laughed at my costume too

davepoobond: one of my friends had a fart machine and made farting noises with it, and they started calling him “fart man”

davepoobond: i’m gonna go actually. go play my gta vice city

davepoobond: oh yeah

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10373: davepoobond -> SuperiorDonald

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davepoobond: heh i played starcraft today, and i called a buncha people fags and then they got mad

SuperiorDonald: That usually happens

davepoobond: yea, but then this is the gripper

davepoobond: they challenged me to a game of sc

davepoobond: and then i beat their asses

davepoobond: and then i called them fags and they said “again again”

davepoobond: and then i said they were fags still

davepoobond: then they lost interest and had sex with their moms

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10371: davepoobond -> Holmes

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davepoobond: windows media player’s visualizations are so cool

davepoobond: especially randomization: battery

Holmes: yes

Holmes: you have windows xp?

davepoobond: ya

Holmes: damn you

Holmes: you have better visualzations

davepoobond: hehe

davepoobond: u can dl them

Holmes: yes

Holmes: ut some are for windows XP

Holmes: and some are for the others

davepoobond: o well

davepoobond: i gotta buncha skins for it

davepoobond: they’re kinda ok

davepoobond: all the ones from microsoft’s site

davepoobond: man these visualizations are eye pleasing

Holmes: they probablly have secret messages saying: “buy microsoft”

davepoobond: strangely, i feel like that i should be loyal to microsoft for the rest of my life now

davepoobond: yes, the circling zig zagging line is all knowing

Holmes: hehe

Holmes: must…..buy……microsoft

Holmes: must……buy….windows

Holmes: “in todays news, people are buying an extradonary large amount of new windows for there homes.”

Holmes: Bill Gates: “damnit i should have put MICROSOFT windows!!!!!!!”

davepoobond: yeah…that’s what i’m gonna do, bye

davepoobond: lol

davepoobond: hey send me this IM

davepoobond: i dont have the whole thing

Holmes: ok

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10369: Phoenix -> RATM 1087

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Phoenix: I like shoes

RATM 1087: shoes don’t like you

Phoenix: they smell nice

Phoenix: their fluffy too, like bunny wabbits

Phoenix: are you fluffy?

RATM 1087: sometimes

RATM 1087: when i want to be

Phoenix: I don’t think so, only bunnies

RATM 1087: i can act bunny like

RATM 1087: what’s your name

Phoenix: Bunnies are cute too, their fluffy and nice and fluffy and nice and fluffy and nice and fluffy and nice and fluffy and nice and cheesy.

RATM 1087: hmm.. i don’t find bunnies to be cheesy

RATM 1087: only if i put cheese on them

RATM 1087: then they are most definitely cheesy

Phoenix: they like too eat hay, hay is their yummy nectar.

RATM 1087: yes

Phoenix: with hair, hair smells nice

RATM 1087: do you know me

Phoenix: I like hair, y’know?

RATM 1087: i see

Phoenix: It has good staying power in the winter

Phoenix: … in time

RATM 1087: yes i agree

RATM 1087: you’re a smart kid

Phoenix: Snow I don’t like

RATM 1087: snow can ocassionally be good

Phoenix: It’s ugly and has a attitudde problem, it’s all hey look at me, I’m white and fluffy and such

RATM 1087: yes

Phoenix: snow is the devils bitch

Phoenix: When it snows out I hide… with the bunnies… and dance

Phoenix: I like bunnies

RATM 1087: bunnies are white and fluffy

RATM 1087: but in a good way

Phoenix: I also like to mix things, like pudding

Phoenix: fizzy pudding, with shampoo

RATM 1087: yeah that’s good

RATM 1087: i like sewing

RATM 1087: i just got finished with some sewing

Phoenix: Head and shoulders shampoo

Phoenix: the fed ex man is taking too long…. its ruining my life

RATM 1087: i see

RATM 1087: what do you plan on having delivered

Phoenix: Like brichu, cause his hand takes so long

Phoenix: coming you tomorrow so

Phoenix: …cuz monkey will have to go with you because Gabe and brichu have Work

RATM 1087: do you know who i am

Phoenix: lemme see if I can get it

Phoenix: says it is not around

RATM 1087: you don’t know me

RATM 1087: i don’t know you

Phoenix: I know zoo

Phoenix: by the way

Phoenix: darlene took house #4

Phoenix: LoL

Phoenix: Lol

RATM 1087: i don’t know who you are

Phoenix: Oh lord, this will be scary. Howed she decorate?

Phoenix: Lovely furniture

Phoenix: LoL

Phoenix: She wants it to be pretty

Phoenix: Jeez…

Phoenix: damn, oh ell

RATM 1087: i don’t know you

Phoenix: Cards I guess ? I dunno ?

Phoenix: But tuesday, bring nothing

Phoenix: get here ASAP

RATM 1087: no

Phoenix: because

RATM 1087: no

RATM 1087: you do’nt know who i am

RATM 1087: you have the wrong person

Phoenix: Yup I made damn sure I was off for … day

RATM 1087: you don’t know me

RATM 1087: shut up

Phoenix: Lol

Phoenix: you know, God is coming to devour our souls this friday

Phoenix: at 8 o clock there will be god fireworks spectacular

RATM 1087: where do you live

RATM 1087: that’s interesting

Phoenix: then at 9 the feast of souls begins

RATM 1087: what school do you go to

Phoenix: Canada LoL

RATM 1087: how’d you get my screen name

Phoenix: Ontario tech is where I went too school

Phoenix: I got your sn cause I’m God

RATM 1087: i see

RATM 1087: did you search for my screen name

Phoenix: You defy me?

RATM 1087: no sir

Phoenix: I will strike you down with feet aplenty

Phoenix: lol

Phoenix: the berkel thirsts for your blood

RATM 1087: i go to a catholic school you offend me

Phoenix: the catholic school is really a tool of the devil

Phoenix: and it;s accually a cult

RATM 1087: you are correct sir

RATM 1087: i’m glad that you can see that as well as i

Phoenix: A happy Happy cult

Phoenix: yup!

Phoenix: do you have a god?

RATM 1087: yes

Phoenix: Have you recieved jesus christ as your personal savior?

RATM 1087: yes

RATM 1087: jesus loves us all

Phoenix: cause if not we can SEND you a piece of jesus via air mail for just 39.98

RATM 1087: haha canadian jesus

Phoenix: My savior is Damien Malachi!

RATM 1087: i see

Phoenix: Humans suck. Humans are the scourge of the earth and should be eraticated. KILL ALL THE SPIDERS TO SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES

RATM 1087: i like butterflies

Phoenix: Well you arn’t one, you spooney bitch.

Phoenix: Humans should do the world a favor and fry themselves, that way they make room for the more evolved creatures

RATM 1087: you’re a sick mother fucker

Phoenix: thank you!

Phoenix: then it turned into a red headed bitch fight

RATM 1087: well i’m leaving

RATM 1087: bywe

Phoenix: the many flames of the relm of damien malachi bless you heartily