The other morning, the garbage truck went past my house and I started chasing it down the street. “is it too late for garbage?” I shouted.
“No,” called the garbage man, “jump in!”
Joke #11968
Once I went out with a beautiful dental hygienist. Before she let me kiss her goodnight, she took Novocaine.
Joke #11967
I’m so clumsy that when I mix cocktails at a party, the drinks aren’t on the house — they’re on the carpet!
Joke #11966
Talk about luck! Other guys go to weight-lifting class and develop muscles. I went to weight-lifting class and developed a bad back.
Joke #11965
What a childhood I had! One Christmas, Santa left me a bag to wear over my head.
Joke #11964
Everybody picks on me. Last week the electric company shut off my lights at the request of my neighbors. They said I look better in the dark.
Joke #11963
I found out one thing about health spas by being a fitness instructor. They pay low-calorie salaries.
Joke #11962
People have been insulting my looks all my life. When I was little, I used to play cowboys and Indians, and the other kids made be the Lone Ranger so I’d wear a mask.
Joke #11961
The other day, a girl told me I have a face that could drive women crazy
…and I have a funny feeling she didn’t mean it as a compliment.
How You Know If You Should Have Plastic Surgery
There are many reasons why people have plastic surgery and we offer some of them here:
– You meet “Big Foot” in the woods and he faints when he sees you.
– You’re not allowed in the zoo because you scare the animals.
– An organ grinder offers you a job as his monkey.
– Your teacher makes you sit facing the back of the room.
– A cop gives you a ticket for being criminally ugly.
Joke #11959
Pigeons must have E.S.P. They always seem to know when you’ve just washed your car.
Joke #11958
Did you hear about the old man who was so lonely that he tried to carry on a conversation with his talking breakfast cereal?
Joke #11957
Nobody likes me. Even my margarine won’t say, “Butter,” to me.
Joke #11956
Inflation has turned me into an early riser. To make extra cash, I got a paper route.
Joke #11955
Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out?
A: To the Moooovies!