PATIENT (on phone): “Doctor, I’ve decided to kill myself.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “Don’t do anything rash until you answer one question for me.”
PATIENT: “What’s that?”
PSYCHIATRIST: “Is your bill paid?”
Joke #12284
Did you hear about the android who went to see a psychiatrist? His friends told him he had a screw loose upstairs.
Joke #12283
“Seeing a psychiatrist certainly cured my drinking problem,” a man boasted to his pal. “The sessions cost so much, I can’t afford to buy liquor anymore.”
Joke #12282
PATIENT: “Is it true, Doc, you make a lot of money?”
DOCTOR: “You bet I do. Would you want to trust your health to a doctor who didn’t make a sack of dough?”
Joke #12281
Nowadays, a minor operation is one that is happening to someone else.
Joke #12280
A patient in the local hospital was really angry. He called his doctor and told him, “That dumb nurse came into my room last night and plugged my electric blanket into the automatic toaster on my night table and every five minutes I kept popping out of the darned bed!”
Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun
There’s this cat, right. And he likes to harass this mouse, see. And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment. This cat is like a bible basher, but worse. He’s a murderer.
The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house. But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse. Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse. It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.
Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat. But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat. Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.
So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm. He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat. Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.
Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.
Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him. But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt. Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.
The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird. The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl. Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill. Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?
The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole. To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside. So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.
The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea. Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house. So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake. Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”
Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.
Quote #12278
“There’s a point… where you become TOO good…”
– Zsal
The Mammoths In the Ocean
Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea. While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong. This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.
Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station. They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. They would eat water for breakfast.
So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.
This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself. Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans. After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.
The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more. The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea. Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?
A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths. Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.
The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next. They were parasites after all.
Moral of the story: Foreign dependence is bad.
The Boy Who Ate Diamonds
One day, an irate king felt it was necessary to declare economic warfare on his neighboring, rich, kingdom full of goody-do-gooders and twody-shoesters. He hired a mercenary to go and find a secret, yet silent way to eliminate Rich Kingdom’s wealth and make Irate Kingdom supercede it.
This mercenary was actually a double agent for Rich Kingdom and he told Richie, the King of Rich Kingdom what Irate King was planning on doing. After rewarding the mercenary with two hot lesbians for his loyalty, the king had a perfect plan for countermanding Irate King’s verdict.
Locked in the deep dark dungeons of Rich Kingdom lie the Boy who Ate Diamonds. They call him BAD. BAD was living off lesser carbon densities during his stay in the dungeon, such as coal. Richie King unlocked the doors to BAD’s cell and gave him a chance of freedom.
His mission: eat the diamonds of Irate Kingdom and destroy their wealth. BAD screeched and ran out into the world, never to be seen again. Rich King felt like a dumbass, he just let a crazy psychotic who ate diamonds out of jail!
Moral of the story: Think twice about how to pre-emptiviely attack someone who wants to destroy you.
The Jackal and the Fox
One day there was a Jackal. Was. He got hit by a car. But he wasn’t always road kill. He was a successful banker, a branch manager for a multinational bank that was established in hundreds of forests throughout the land.
That was until the Fox came by to store his pecan nuts. That asshole Fox wasn’t even a customer and he was trying to make them store pecans without even a proper account.
So, the fox went over the Jackal’s head, and got the Jackal fired. How did he know the Fox was a famous movie star, he doesn’t even own a TV. Then the Jackal was pushed in front of a car by his ex-boss’ bodyguards.
Moral of the story: Get a TV.
The Vegas Sea Turtle
Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert. He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler. That was his job. He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.
So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain. Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.
Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.
Moral of the story: Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.
Dave’s Notes: Millions of Cats
So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married. Friends with benefits, let’s call it.
Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time. They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.
So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat. What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men. She was into older guys.
So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats. Did I mention he was nuts?
So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill. It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.
So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next. He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.
Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.
When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.
In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him. Did I mention he was nuts?
So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks. So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.
After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other. They were hungry, after all. So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter: A Raider’s football game. Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.
When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.
So, they took in the cat and kept it. Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime. So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.
Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor. She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.
Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.
Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth. Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.
So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers. Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.
Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.
Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected. Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.
Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.
Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window. Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.
Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor. He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch. He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.
Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left. When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed. His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.
Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.
Dave’s Notes: Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
There was this stupid kid named Sylvester Duncan and he had a hobby of collecting pebbles. What a douche. Honestly, he couldn’t figure out something better to do with his time? Did I mention he was a donkey? No? I guess I spoiled the midway surprise if you read this without any pictures attached like I did.
So, anyway, this donkey liked to collect pebbles. He found a magic pebble that was enchanted by a novice wizard who was getting used to new incantations on the hill nearby Sylvester’s home town. This wizard was probably a gopher, and he’s not in the story at all. But you know he’s watching…
Sylvester is so happy when he finds this pebble because he wants to be a geologist one day and he would be the first donkey geologist anyone had ever conceived for a fairy tale. He was going to be famous! Sort of.
Anyway, this pebble grants wishes and he wished for stupid shit to happen, mostly to do with the weather. As he was skipping along on the way home, instead of using the pebble to travel around wherever he wanted, like a smart donkey geologist would, he encountered the hobo murderer lion that lived on Strawberry Hill — and he had an appetite for stupid donkey geologists such as Sylvester. He just ate the giraffe seismologist and he wasn’t too filling.
So, like the dumb donkey he is, he wishes that he was a rock and loses grip of the magic pebble. Well, now Sylvester is a rock. I told you he was smart, now he gets to see how life is like being a rock. The lion takes a piss on him and leaves him to die. If only the lion knew the power of the magic pebble, he’d be a respected and unfeared member of the animal populace. He’d also have fairy tales written about HIM. But I guess not.
So, Sylvester fell asleep for 20 years. During that time, his parents looked for him, but it was all for naught. After three almost-divorces and taking the lion to court for kidnap and murder three times (there was no such thing as double jeopardy in Oatsdale, but there was something called justice and parental negligence), the Duncan Donkey parents forgot about their son and tried to live on without him — which wasn’t hard. They turned his room into an exercise room and tossed out his shitty pebble collection.
So, one day the Duncans went for a picnic and a screw on Strawberry Hill where they started remembering about their son from 20 years ago. They found a pebble on the ground which just happened to be the magic pebble and wished that Sylvester was there, so they could beat the shit out of him for leaving the house all those years ago for a stupid hobby.
Hark! The rock Mr. Duncan had his ass on turned into their son and they beat the shit out of him like they wanted. They dragged him home by his ear and locked him in a cage. They put the magic pebble in an iron safe so that no one would wish for stupid shit anymore and because the Duncans were already rich from the Duncan vs. Oatsdale Police court case where the Duncans charged the Oatsdale Police with conspiracy for covering up the disappearance of Sylvester.
Little did they know, the lion would get a lawyer to prosecute the Duncans for defamation of character in the disappearance cases and would retain all of the Duncans’ possessions once they found out Sylvester was trapped in the Duncans’ house. Which meant Sylvester would get put into slavery (since he became a possession) and the magic pebble would sit in a locked safe owned by a lion who didn’t know the combo.
This whole time, the gopher wizard was sitting at home watching Street Sharks on DVD and enjoying the company of his gopher prostitutes.