MILLIONAIRE: “Son, to make it in business you’ve got to live by two principles, honesty and wisdom.”
SON: “What do you mean by that, Dad?”
MILLIONAIRE: “Be honest in business. If you promise to do something, keep your word even if you have to go bankrupt to do it.”
SON: “And what about wisdom?”
MILLIONAIRE: “That’s simple to explain, son. Never make any promises.”
EXPLAIN THIS: A man who takes money out of a man’s pocket without permission is a pickpocket. A woman who takes money out of a man’s pockets without permission is a wife.
The minister looked at his congregation and said, “Brothers and sisters, today my sermon will be about liars. I refer to Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five. How many of you are familiar with it?”
As the minister looked around, half of the people before him raised their hands. “You are the people I want to address my sermon to,” announced the minister. “There is no Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five.”
Gossip columnists are the kind of people you can’t believe even when they swear they’re lying.
Did you hear about the judge who got so tipsy at a Halloween party, he couldn’t pick the good guise from the bad guise?
Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met one day.
The first man asked, “How’s everything, Jimmy?”
His friend answered. “Not so hot. My wife ran off with a vacuum salesman. My son was arrested for stealing cars, and my daughter is in the hospital with two broken legs. Besides that, I’m turning gray, my teeth have to be yanked out tomorrow, and my dog died yesterday.”
His friend shook his head and said, “Golly! That’s very sad. By the way, what business are you in, Jimmy?”
“I sell good luck charms!”
“Would you wear alligator shoes?”
“Nope. I never wear used clothing.”
CLERK: “What kinds of nuts would you like, sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Cashew.”
CLERK: “Bless you. Now what kind of nuts would you like?”
You have to watch out for lawyers who can’t pass the bar… without stopping in for a martini.
I can tell you how Mr. Webster began his dictionary. One night Noah got into an argument with his wife and one word led to another.
“It took me so long to learn the ropes at work,” said the clerk, “I ended up hanging myself.”
Did you hear about the fat man who was so overweight that his wife had to let out his shower curtain?
A young hillbilly couple went to the state fair and tried the tunnel of love for the first time. After they came out, a friend asked the hillbilly how it was.
“I didn’t like it,” answered the boy. “It was dark and scary and we got soaking wet.”
The friend was confused. “Did the boat leak?” he asked.
The hillbilly looked at him in surprise and said, “There’s a boat?”
nincompoop – n. a rich kid who really believes that the school bully is going to pay back the money he borrowed from him
You can always tell which people have short lunch breaks. They’re the ones who sip their soup through straws.