Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly.
“What is a Rolls-Kinardly?” his friend asked.
“That is a car that rolls down one hill and kin hardly get up the next.”
Joke #18639
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young Preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days!”
Joke #18638
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, “Sorry, I was expecting the milkman.”
Joke #18637
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
What NOT to Put on a Resume
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:
– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
– I am a rabid typist.
– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
– Qualifications: No education or experience.
– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!
Joke #18635
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.
One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”
Joke #18634
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
“Why didn’t you wait till your husband got home?” someone asked.
“I could have,” my mother told the group,” but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”
Joke #18633
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
“Oh, you’ll be fine,” he said, waving of his hand. “If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke.”
Joke #18632
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns.
Wanting to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied for the Judge Advocate General’s Corps. My hopes of being a Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected.
It seems I suffered from poor vision.
Joke #18631
While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.
“We haven’t got one here,” said the clerk.
“Oh, no,” I said crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.
“Hang on,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”
The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!
Let’s begin:
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Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
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Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
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Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
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Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.
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Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.
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Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.
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Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
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Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
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Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
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Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.
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Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
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Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
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Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
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Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions:
– Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
– Join every free banner exchange.
– Get your own free-for-all links page.
– Hire a bulk emailer.
– Sponsor a golf tournament.
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Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
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Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
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Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
Joke #18629
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.
The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”
As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”
The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”
Joke #18628
Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, “Oh, Mrs. Moore, I’m so happy to meet you. I’m your husband’s new secretary.”
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, “Oh, Really? WERE you?”
Joke #18627
I was in a gas station the other day and a man was getting gas and he was smoking a cigarette.
I went inside to pay for my gas.
The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running inside the store, and the clerk shot him.
I asked the clerk why he shot the man and he cried, “You saw him…he had a fire arm!”
Joke #18626
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”
“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.