“‘Instead of using a lubricant, I use Vitara™. It feels more natural and ?definitely makes sex more fun.’ -Pattie, 42 years old”
– from a spam e-mail
gorillas are nice and smelly
i like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahh!
ai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like g!
orillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahh!
ai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like g!
orillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahhai like gorillas smiley havce ahahha
Quote #21028
“This music I think affects my because theres this up beat Bass line in Front of the Song. But deeper there’s This slow almost down Feeling to The guitar riff and the singer voice is slow and some what depressing”
– found at davepoobond’s high school
Voting
I fucking hate it when people say “oh you better vote for your country!”.. thats stupid. When has a presidential campaign
ever been won by a SINGLE vote? (okay maybe it’s happened before, who cares) Im never going to vote, EVER! it’s
a waste of time. This is just like screaming at a concert. what the fuck? Do you really think it is necessary? I know
that ‘every person makes a difference’ well I dont give a shit… i also hate people that go to parades. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!
who goes to parades? or like, christmas strolls.. its all stupid shit. i hate season clothing because you can only wear it for like a week
and if you have nothing to wear in march and you wear your halloween sweater then you’ll get the shit beat out of you. especially if
nobody likes you as it is. i hate people that say the pledge of allegiance at school. you dont HAAAVE to, and at this age (high school)
you’re not fucking patriotic, and if you are, you’re just trying to get attention. My mom once dated a black guy, and do you see me
wearing a damn christmas sweater right now? hell NO!
Quote #21026
“When I was young, I remember how much better things were made. Things were not made of cheap plastic but of metal. You got a feeling you had something solid, rather than something that would last only a few months. I remember when Uncle Harry banged his car into a wall, it hardly had a dent. But now you can just barely hit a car and you see some very visible damage. The trouble is that nobody complains. People are satisfied with poorer materials even though they might even be more expensive than the previous cheaper ones. Or maybe people fool themselves into thinking that the newer items are better. After all, metal rusts, plastic is lighter to carry, and most people have good car insurance.”
– from a book
Quote #21025
“The computer helps advertisers create such images as cars turning into tigers and moviemakers to show images like the blood of a Klingon floating across the movie screen. Using the computer as a canvas, artists are changing the way we see the world.”
– from davepoobond’s 7th Grade Math Book
Quote #21024
“The computer is quickly becoming the paintbrush of the movie and advertising industries. Animators and commercial artists use software graphics programs to shape three-dimensional objects that look very realistic.”
– from davepoobond’s 7th Grade Math Book
class birthday
class birthday – n. the theory in which your group or class has a particular day that is a “birthday” of the group. It was discovered in davepoobond’s 7th Grade Math Book. It’s really fucking stupid, and has no relevance to anything.
The following is the quote from the 7th Grade Math Book:
“What is the ‘birthday’ of your class? To find out, find the number of days each student has been alive. Then average the number of days you have each lived. With this average, work backward to find the average date of birth for your class. Plan a celebration for the ‘class-birthday.'”
Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass
Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.
I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.
Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.
Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.
I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.” I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!
–
So, its morning. The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows. I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell. Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.
Hell is not a physical place. It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different. There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want. Except go to Heaven. No one likes it up there. You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white. Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.
At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone. Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service. They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil. Hahahaha I crack myself up.
Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids. I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity. Peace out.” So, I went to the liquor store.
As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store. Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass. “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass. “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it. They couldn’t get away now.
“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred! You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.
And so I did.
Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him. He thanked me.
Don’t Do Drugs
The End.
Ridiculous Spam Mail #21021
Dear,
Iím a korean living in seoul.(name: Oh Minseok)
Korean special investigative team are investigating samsung corporation.
But they do not work right.
Suspicious to be bought off.
samsung corporation has many crimes.
And the team investigates samsung corporation.
It contains korean companies samsung,huyndai,sk CEOsí illegal issuing stocks or bonds.
The quantity are plenty.
(Three company CEOs did(and are doing) many crimes to me.
Many koreans are knowing it.
But many koreans are bought off by illegal issuing stocks or bonds.)
The team are knowing it.
Korean special investigative team must investigate this.
But they are trying to conceal it.
I ask for asking for this criminal investigation to prosecutors in any country.
And help the shareholders and me.
P.S)
Three companies are hacking me and trying to kill me.
And are suspicious to use my name and email illegally.
If you receive another message that I dictated above are not true,
it is not from me, but from three companies.
The things I dictated above are true.
Bad Submission #21020
Submitted through the Quicky Joke submission form.
–
This form was submitted: Jun 22 2005 / 12:08:29
name = nemo
email =
use_email = no
qjoke = adah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joke #21019: Second Grade Sex-Ed
In a second grade sex-ed class, a little girl raised her hand to ask a question…
–
Little girl: Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is she?
Little girl: Forty
Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can my big sister get pregnant?
Teacher: Well, how old is she?
Little girl: Nineteen.
Teacher: Yes, she certainly can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can I get pregnant?
Teacher: Umm…how old are you?
Little girl: Seven and two quarters
Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.
Little boy sitting behind Little girl (nudging her): See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. (He sticks out his tongue.)
Joke #21018: Voodoo Dick
A guy goes on vacation, and finds a rare an exotic porn shop. He goes in and asks the clerk if he has anything special that he could give to his wife.
The guys says that he has a “voodoo dick” which is a one of a kind dildo that fucks whatever you tell it to on demand. The buyer doesn’t believe him and asks for a demonstration. The clerk says, “voodoo dick the door” and the dildo immediately humps the door so vigorously that it falls down. The guy agrees to buy it for a tidy sum, and the clerk tells him to remember that the only way to get it to stop is to say “voodoo dick off.”
So the guy brings it home and his wife is thrilled. The next day while he’s at work, she quickly gets it out and says, “voodoo dick my pussy”. After an hour of this, she has to get ready for work, but she can’t remember how to turn it off, so she tries to drive to her husbands work with the voodoo dick in her.
Unfortunately, she can’t drive like this and swerves all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls her over and asks what the problem is. She scream, “I can’t get this voodoo dick to stop humping me!”
And the police officer quickly responds, “voodoo dick my ass.”
Joke #21017: Tee For 2
A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night. They decide to have an all nighter.
In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence. He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass. The woman does it, but is confused.
When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”
The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”
Joke #21016: Girl Scout Cookies
Some guy offers another guy some Tagalong-brand Girl Scout cookies.
“I don’t like ’em,” he says. “They make me puke.”
“Who?” the other guy replies.
“The cookies or the girl scouts?”