For those campers who have a cold or poison poo, and are forced to stay in their toilet for the day, here is a list of TV crap you can watch.
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7 A.M.: The Fucking Early News. With PooPoo McGoo as the anchor prostitute and Marilyn Manson giving the weather. Special report on retirement home for old hos and teenage creaming
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10 A.M.: The Charles Manson $50,000 Invitational Pro-Am Man Killing Tournament. Held at the famous Alley Club in Rhode Island
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11 A.M.: The only movie today is “Rambo Breaks His Ass,” and it stars me as Rambo’s father and you as his ho. In this picture, Rambo kills everyone in his ass.
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2 P.M.: Documentary about fucked up animals living on the African ass. A study of lions, tigers, and turds. Should be viewed carefully.
Category Archives: Lists
Lots of funny lists!
How Software Developers are Like Drug Dealers
Drug Dealers |
Software Developers |
| Refer to their clients as “users”. | Refer to their clients as “users”. |
| “The first one’s free!” | “Download a free trial version…” |
| Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). | Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). |
| Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E”. | Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN”. |
| Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. | Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. |
| Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes. | Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, faster machines. |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. | Often seen in the company marketing people and venture capitalists. |
| Their product causes unhealthy addictions. | DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said. |
| Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. | Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! |
Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky’s kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Hot Cross Breed
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow – a bulimic dog
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso – an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer – a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever -the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound – a dog for financial advisors
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador – a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point – owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute – a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere – a dog that’s true to the end
Top Signs You Hired The Wrong Clown For Your Birthday Party
1. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
2. Keeps screaming, “My name’s not BO-zo, it’s bo-ZO!”
3. Props for his “disappearing” trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
4. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the “Severed Limb” trick.
5. Didn’t bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
6. Prefaces each trick with, “here’s a little number I learned in the joint.”
7. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, “Drug-free since March!”
9. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a “snake on acid.”
10. Business cards include the phrase “From the Mind of Stephen King…”
11. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
10 Reasons Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs
1. Big Ass Tax Write-off.
2. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
3. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.
4. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
5. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
6. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
7. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.
8. Would you want to hunt for Christmas Balls?
9. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
10. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job!
11 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
3. He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol.
4. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
5. Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
7. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.
8. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
9. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, dumbass.”
11. When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say’s “Sure, that will be a picnic!” (PICNIC in techy lingo stands for Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
Actual Marketing Flops
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”
Stupid Things To Say About Chocolate
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done!
Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era
– Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
– If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
– Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
– A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
– Plagiarism saves time.
– If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
– Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
– TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
– The beatings will continue until morale improves.
– Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
– We waste time, so you don’t have to.
– Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
– Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
– A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
– When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
– INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
– Succeed in spite of management.
– Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
Oddly Named Towns
Here are some oddly named towns:
– Toad Suck, Arkansas
– Hot Coffee, Mississippi
– Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
– Frankenstein, Missouri
– Chicken, Alaska
– Fifty-Six, Arizona
– Knockemstiff, Ohio
– Rabbit Hash, Kentucky
– Happy Jack, Arizona
– Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
If you have one, feel free to leave a comment.
10 Ways The Mafia Can Improve Its Image
1. After whacking a guy, stick around to help with the cleanup.
2. Appeal to the younger generation by changing spelling of “Mafia” to “Maphia.”
3. Goodbye cement shoes, hello comfortable Prowalker shoes from Rockport.
4. Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials.
5. Gala “Mafia Awards” ceremony hosted by Hollywood’s brightest stars.
6. New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!
7. Oh I don’t know, maybe stop killing everybody
8. Three words: Mafia Book Club
9. Don’t just say you’re dumping a body in New Jersey, say you’re dumping a body in New Jersey — home of the soon-to-be-world-champion Nets!
10. Every once in a while, make someone an offer they can refuse
Things That Take Too Long to Learn
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your true friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Job Interview Answer Translations
Question: Why did you leave your last job?
Answer: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Translation: It sucked.
Question: What are your biggest weaknesses?
Answer: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work.
Translation: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
Question: You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of time. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than
you’ve stayed elsewhere?
Answer: I’m at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Translation: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.
Question: How do you handle change?
Answer: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
Translation: I deal with it everyday unless I’m out of clean underwear.
Question: How do you get along with others?
Answer: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Translation: I like people, as long as they stay out of my face.
Question: What does the word success mean to you?
Answer: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
Translation: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.
Question: What does the word failure mean to you?
Answer: Failure? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Translation: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.
Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Answer: I don’t think I’d call him a boss; he’s been more of a mentor to me.
Translation: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.
Question: Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Answer: Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Translation: I don’t get angry. I get even.
Question: Can I contact your references?
Answer: Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Translation: Sure, but they wont know who I am.
Question: What words best describe you?
Answer: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient
Translation: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy
Signs You’ve Chosen a “No Frills” Airline
1. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
5. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
6. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
7. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
8. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
9. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
10. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
11. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
12. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.