The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her.”
Q: What’s the difference between a King’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
A: One’s an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid.
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, “I’ve got the head now; just a few more minutes.”
“Is it a girl or boy?” I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell by the ears.”
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.
Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”
A foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn’t tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.
After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, “I got a hole-in-one! I don’t believe it!”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” said the others. “You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?”
“No, no. It’s true. I swear it,” he said crossing his heart. “Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it.”
As explained by Cliff Clavin of “Cheers”…..
One afternoon Cliff was explaining the ‘Buffalo Theory’ to his buddy, Norm. Here’s how it went:
“Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this…..A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells, making a faster and more efficient machine. And…so, that’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee!”
The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
“I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?” he asked.
“Actually,” the man replied, “I was wondering who did this to my luggage.”
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.
One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband’s favorites. “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “Honk if you love Jesus.”
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, “Can’t you see the light is still red, you MORON!?”
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, “Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?”
The youngster said, “Of course not, Father!”
– Yes = No.
– No = Yes.
– Maybe = No.
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
– We need = I want.
– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
– We need to talk = I need to complain.
– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, It’s not very absorbent and you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Q: What does 36 inches make in Glasgow?
A: One Scotland yard!