Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #18501
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver’s manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit.
“Oh,” she said, “I already know everything in the book.”
“You do?” I returned.
“Yep”, she said, very smugly.
I thought, “OK, we’ll just see about that. I’ll give her a hard one.”
So I asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?”
“One,” she replied.
“What?” I asked. “One?!”
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . .
“Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one.”
Joke #18500
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the youngster was taking it all in with a serious expression.
Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly.
“What bus should I take home?”
Joke #18499
It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and joking between them all year long.
To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
When the Messiah really comes,
You’ll wish you were Jewish.
Joke #18498
Business must follow numerous rules and regulations laid down by government agencies. So maybe we shouldn’t have been surprised by the memo from the county Department of Health Services.
“The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month,” it read. “It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees.”
Joke #18497
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: “Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: “Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
Joke #18496
Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he’d fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.
“But you’re such a light sleeper,” I said. “I’m surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn’t wake you up.”
“I didn’t get fired for falling asleep,” he confessed, “I was fired for wearing my earplugs.”
Joke #18495
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,” my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”
“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”
Joke #18494
At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And also with you.”
One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something wrong with the mic.”
The congregation automatically responded, “And also with you.”
Joke #18493
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”
“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”
“And, when was that?”
“When he asked for the second cup.”
Joke #18492
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.
Joke #18491
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself.
A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”
Joke #18490
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model’s promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, “What does ‘hybrid pulse D/A converter’ mean?”
He said, “That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal.”
“In other words,” I said, “this CD player plays CDs.”
“Exactly.”
Joke #18489
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer.
If you’re drunk, it advises you not to drive.
If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
Joke #18488
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”