The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
While driving with my daughter and her husband, I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.
“That’s weird,” I said, pointing to it. “Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?”
“Call me crazy,” said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, “but I believe that reads ‘FUN-GAL.'”
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, “I’ve done it! I made it balance!”
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. “Let’s see… mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?”
“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!”
A fellow was walking up to a doctors office and met another man coming out.
Just before they meet the fellow coming out fell face forward dead. The first fellow went in and told the recepionist that a man had just fallen dead outside the office. The receptionist asked him, “Which way was he going?”
The man replied “he was leaving the office.”
The receptionist said, “Well, do me a favor, will you, and go back out and turn him around.”
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, “Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started.”
Mozart said, “The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and then try your hand at less ambitious pieces.”
The young man looked astonished. “But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I.”
“Ah,” said Mozart, “but I did so without asking advice.”
A husband asks his wife, “If I should die first would you marry again?”
“I would be heart-broken, of course,” was her reply, “but I think eventually I would remarry.”
“But you wouldn’t bring him here to our house?”
“Why not? I’ve worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.”
“But you wouldn’t sleep in our bed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t run out and buy a new bed right away.”
“Surely, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not! He’s lefthanded!”
To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. “I don’t know what you’re using for bait,” he said to me, “but I’ll take a dozen.”
After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the $1.57 they claimed I still owed.
Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his carpool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot.”
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt…”
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, “Yes, what do you have?”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?”
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”
Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.
This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.
Q: Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Because of the Peking Duck.