Sunday is a Great Day for Unmitigated Bargaining

This entry is part 3 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was some stupid lady customer at work today.

She got a package of books that was 124.90 or somethin, and said that it was supposed to be like 90 something. So she brought down the book she bought along with another package that encased similar books (but not the exact same books) that was "in the same stack."

She has already bought the more expensive package and wanted a price adjustment to make the more expensive one into the lower-priced one.

I could tell right away when I looked at both of the packages, I told her, "these are different books."

She wouldn’t have it. She was stubborn in that she should still get a price adjustment, since the shelf tag said that the book she bought was supposed to be lower than what she paid.

To make matters worse, one of the textbook reps said it was okay to do the price adjustment. They probably didn’t notice that there were different books in the packages.

It just so happened that the book manager was there, so she asked what was happening, just as I was about to call her. After explaining the situation again, the customer went off on the manager saying "well, they said I could do it upstairs!" to which the book manager said "I don’t know why they did that, since *I* am the manager."

To explain the situation more plainly, the customer wanted to buy a completely different package of books priced at its own price for a completely different package of books priced lower than the one she bought, seemingly regardless of which package she actually needed.

Eventually the customer accused us of price fraud because we charged her more than the "advertised price" and wouldn’t adjust the price, saying "OH OK SO ITS MY FAULT THAT THEY PLACED BOOKS IN THE WRONG STACK."

She eventually stormed off after accusing us after accusing us of price fraud like 3 times, but wouldn’t even go with the book manager to look at the prices for the books. The shelf tags say right on them which ISBN is at which price, as well.

Not to mention it was painfully obvious that the included books were different from each other, she obviously didn’t even know which one she actually needed since she thought both packages were the same.


A Weird Call From A Guy Looking For Brad

On March 3, 2005 @ 10:45 a.m. I had a weird call…this is how it went

(phone rings)

Dave: hello?
Guy: brad?
Dave: …hello?
Guy: brad?
Dave: hello?
Guy: can you hear me?
Dave: yeah
Guy: was i breaking up?
Dave: yeah
Guy: ok can you hear me now?
Dave: yeah
Guy: ok do you have any questions you had for me?

I hang up.

A minute later, phone rings again. Nothing is said either from my way or his way. I just leave it in silence, he probably thinks its breaking up again.

Guy: brad….brad.

I just hang up again. I’m hoping this guy will just figure out he’s been calling the wrong number


The Legend of the Slider Cell Phone

I wrote this in what seems like 2004, or thereabouts, while sliding cell phones were the new thing, and just came out. My sister wanted a slider cell phone and we were looking to upgrade our phones relatively soon. The following is an account of what had happened:

Well the whole reason behind the cell phone upgrade thing in the first place is because my sister’s cell phone didn’t have the screen working anymore, cause she dropped on the cement.

Anyhow, my mom spent an hour today at her lunch break finding out about all the stuff.

Today after she got home, we spent about 2 hours to go and look at phones, me, my sister, my mom, and my sister’s friend came along too

While we were there, we were lookin at all the phones, and then when the sales guy came over to talk to us, he said that if we upgrade to “GSM” we’d have to replace all of our phones, which were “TDMA.”

My sister wanted a “slider” phone, especially one that she had “seen on MTV.”

My mom was fine with her phone, the TDMA one, she didn’t really care to upgrade, it was for my sister that we were there in the first place.

So we have to all upgrade to the GSM system, which means getting new phones and paying for them. Through the course of my sister’s constant blabbering about a slider phone she saw on MTV that she couldn’t describe, she asked if one of the computers at the front desk had internet access.

The guy said yes, and then she said “go to” Which is pretty stupid in itself.

So, getting 4 new phones is a lot of money, if each of them is like 100-150 dollars each. The slider phone that my sister wanted is like 200 or something. And we find out that it isn’t even FOR AT&T (which is what we have), but for Verizon only. So the whole thing was pretty stupid after having spent so much time discussing about her stupid slider phone.

So then my mom asks the guy more questions, and then she writes down some phone and model numbers of what we are probably going to decide on getting.

Of course, my sister, being unsatisfied, was pushing my mom so that she could get a slider phone.

She was like “is it possible if you 3 were on AT&T and I was on verizon?” Stupid things like that.

And it finally got to the point that my mom got really mad at her, because my sister constantly kept pushing her to get the goddamn slider phone.

Before she got really mad though, my mom was going to check out Verizon and see if it was a better deal. If it wasn’t, she wasn’t going to do it, because she was happy with AT&T. The only reason she would switch to Verizon would be for the costs, and also because we get shitty reception here for ATT.

SO, we get home, and then my sister doesn’t thank my mom at all, and just goes into her room.

My mom says “you don’t even say thank you for me having to spend so much time for doing all this?”

My sister doesn’t say anything and just closes the door to her room.

Even after my mom told her to say thank you, my sister didn’t say thank you. Which is real bad because, basically, you do what you’re told when it comes to the parents telling us stuff to do.

Later on, about half an hour later I say thank you to my mom for “offering me to be able to have my phone upgraded.”

Also, later, I found out the reason why my sister doesn’t say thank you later on when my sister went out to the living room to talk to her. She said its because she “doesn’t like being told to say thank you, she wanted to do it later” like that would really make it better, which it didn’t, it just made it worse cause she waited so long.

And then my mom and my sister talk blah blah blah, and then my sister says “well, why doesn’t david have to say thank you?” and then my mom said “he already did. Its YOU the reason why I’m doing all this anyhow. If I told David he couldn’t get an upgrade, he would just say ‘ok’ and not care. But with YOU, you just have to keep on pushing and pushing.”

And then they hug, and that seems like it may be the end of it.

But it isn’t.

They talk some more, and they travel over to my sister’s room, and when they finish talking, my sister mutters something like “i don’t understand why I can’t get a slider phone” or something like that as she goes into her room.

And that did it for my mom, she started yelling at her saying that she was spoiled, and she couldn’t get everything she wanted, blah blah blah.

So then, my mom left and then closed her door, waiting outside her room to see if she would say anything.

Guess what happens. My sister starts CRYING. It wasn’t loud, but she was crying.

And then my mom goes back into her room and says “what is WRONG with you? You’re FOURTEEN, you don’t NEED a cell phone, let alone a slider phone” blah blah blah blah, and then it ends up with my mom basically saying “you’re spoiled, you pushed me so much with this stupid slider phone thing, I’m gonna punish you by taking your cell phone away. For a year.”

My mom leaves the room, and then she starts crying even more. Me and my mom are just standing outside the room, and I’m laughing because she’s crying over a stupid phone.

Just when my mom is about to walk away, my sister says something like “fuck” and something else, and then my mom goes back into her room and says “did you just curse??” and then more talking, and then she says “here’s your fucking phone. dammit” and then she throws it back onto my sister’s bed.

My sister probably pouts for another half an hour or something at this point.

She doesn’t come out to say sorry or anything to my mom. My mom had to have me CALL her over to my mom.

She gave her a lecture about how she isn’t looking at it in perspective, because its “JUST A PHONE” and she talks about how she spent a lot of her time today trying to figure out what we were going to do with our phone plans.

Then my mom asks her why its so important.

“Why is it so important to you? Is it a STATUS SYMBOL or something? Is it going to make you popular or something? Are people gonna talk about how you’re the only one in the whole school who has a slider phone ‘hey did you hear Kristin has a slider phone, boy she’s so cool’? It doesn’t make SENSE that i have to go through all of this just because of a phone.”

Then my mom says “the only reason I would THINK about changing companies is if it was a better deal, not so that I could get you a slider phone. And even if I did, there’s no guarantee I would get you one”

blah blah blah more talking and then my mom says “are we done talking about this?” my sister says “yes” and then goes back into her room

the end

A seemingly revolving theme is my sister always wanting a cell phone that is cool or what someone else doesn’t want. More recently, when we were upgrading our phones again she wanted the Motorola Q Black or something like that. A 500 dollar phone which also requires a data plan which we don’t even have. Dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.


Dollars and Sense

Once upon a time there was a rich guy named Ron Hubbles, III. Everybody just called him Muffins, though. His gangster friends called him Muvvenz. So, one day Muffins was in his vault admiring how much money he had. He had so much money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could’ve bought a country! But, instead he bought a ghetto in the middle of a city near Los Angeles.

Muffins, owning the ghetto, could do anything he wanted. He changed the name of the ghetto to Ronhub. He also changed all the names of the streets to a varied form of his name, Ron Hubbles, III. There were streets like Ronald, Ronald 2, The Hub, Ubbles, Hubbles III, etc. Yes, life was grand in the ghetto. All the windows that had been broken were boarded up, and it was a safe place because everyone had 8 locks on their doors. But one day, a good four days after it was bought, the ghetto Ronhub became a killing field. Gangsters from all over LA came into Ronhub, and shot everyone they could, because Muffins was sleeping with all their favorite hoes that lived in the area.

Everyone died. There were brains and pantless asses strewn across the streets. Some were even on the roofs of houses. Muffins sold the ghetto the next day, and no one moved into the area again. All the houses were used as crack houses for a year until a meth lab exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew up all the other drug labs in the ghetto.

The moral of the story:
You can’t buy love.

The End.


Take Me Home!

Once upon a time there was a peaceful alien planet. The inhabitants of the planet, the Calcules have enjoyed many luxuries, and has seen no war for the last 300,000 years. This race focused on education and the well-being of others. Sure there was the usual crime of someone paying too much Schniza, the English translation of the money the Calcules had, for a product. Yes, life was good.

Once upon a time, there was another planet called Earth. Well, Earth was a fucked up place because they had vampires, werewolves, zombies, and bats with penises the size of an elephant’s. Well, this other race of aliens, called the 9 Star 9 80085, was on a purifying mission, and they blew up the Earth.

So, thinking nothing of it anymore, the 9 Star 9 80085s left. But the immortal creatures of the Earth flew around space for another thousand space years, which is about 300 million Earth years. Eventually they all landed on the home world of the Calcules!

There was turmoil all across the lands. Zombies were eating the aliens, and since zombies ate brains, the aliens gave them a feast! The zombies got smarter, and turned the remaining parts of the aliens into shotguns, shooting all the other aliens with them.

The vampires gouged out all the alien’s eyes and sucked out their blood like that. The werewolves cut off the alien’s necks in one swipe. The bats with big penises drove in the alien humvees, and with a gattling gun the zombies made, the zombies shot every alien they could find.

There was a professional alien game called Alienball going on too. Everyone was having a good time, and no one knew of the cataclysms going on outside. The vampires built ramps going up to the top of the stadium on all sides, and once they were all built, at the same time, 3000 bats with big penises with zombies shooting gattling guns drove up the ramps and flew into the air, all of them shooting at the same time. Werewolf paratroopers and vampire fighter planes swooped in and killed all the aliens.

The End.

Fuck you Mark.



Calculator Words

These keys are the only ones that can be used as letters upside down on a calculator.

1 – I
2 – 2 (or to)
3 – E
4 – H
5 – S
6 – G
7 – L
8 – B
0 – O or D (if you need the 0 to be on the end of the word, put a decimal and then type the rest of the number)

These are all the words that can be made. If you have another word, leave a comment:

Hi – 14

Blob – 8078

Hell – 7734

Blog – 6078

Glob – 8076

Hello – 0.7734

Shell – 77345

Ho – 0.4

His Glob – 8076.514

His – 514

His Blob – 8078.514

His Hell – 7734.514

Shells – 577435

Ill – 771

Shibobo – 0.808145

Bobo – 0.808

Lose – 3507

Loses – 53507

Hells – 57734

Blobs – 58078

Blogs – 56078

hoho – 0.404

hohos – 50404

hos – 504

bobos – 50808

boob – 8008

hoohooo – 0.004004

boobies – 5318008

boobless – 55378008

go2hell – 7734206

Less – 5537

hill – 7714


I Had the Shittiest Chipotle Burrito Ever

I had a shitty burrito from Chipotle today.

I can still taste it, its horrible.

That was the worst fucking burrito I’ve had in ages, and the single worst burrito from Chipotle ever. I’m not going to go to Chipotle for two months in protest their shitty burrito-manship.

Now I’m trying to guzzle down some Starbursts so I can finally get this taste out of my mouth.

So, I went to their web site and sent them this in their comment feedback thing:

I had a really bad burrito from the Chipotle in Fullerton today. I had it around 12:30 or so, and the burrito was horribly made, with liquid dripping everywhere — I ended up having to eat it over a trash can. That’s not even the worst part though. The burrito tasted really horrible, and hours later I still have the taste in my mouth. That’s really not good, since I’ve visited that Chipotle on many occasions and they have never tasted like that.

Its disappointing when they make bad burritos just because there’s a ton of people in line. I’m probably not going to be going back anytime soon because I feel it is just that bad, and there are other places I can spend 10 bucks on for food.

Just wanted to say that.

Yuck! Fuck you Chipotle, you’ve been good to me, but then you fucking stab me in the back!


I Was Detained Today

This entry is part 2 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

The alarm went off at work today, and the store wasn’t open, it was just the people in the warehouse, where I was working…and at that exact moment the police were coming through the door to see what was happening (they apparently didn’t know we were there), i was getting a drink of water, and its right next to the door.

So the cops see me and they’re like “hold it!”

I look up and i’m like “uhh? whoa!” and one of them had a gun out, too. I was basically alone, and then they’re all like “put your hands up! turn around!”

“Put your hands behind your head!”

They walked up and then held my hands firmly, told me to spread my legs, and then spread them further. They checked me for any weapons, and had me lean forward with my stomach out as they were checking my pants for a couple minutes.

They asked if I had any weapons and I was like “no, I have a cell phone in my left pocket, keys in my right and wallet in the back pocket.”

So while they checked they asked “what are you doing here?”

I said “I’m I’m I’m working.” He asked if there was anyone else, and I said yeah, they’re upstairs in the warehouse.

He asked what we were doing and I said the warehouse was getting books ready to go out on the shelves, and I was doing web orders. After that they put me into custody, put cuffs on me and sat me down on a table that was there.

One of the cops stayed with me until the other went upstairs and saw what was going on.

Someone told me that what the cop asked upstairs was if anyone was supposed to be downstairs and then the manager was all “no” and then the cop asked if he was missing anyone. The manager figured out it was me that was missing and described him to the one that was upstairs, and confirmed it was me downstairs.

In the meantime I told the cop that was with me I was getting a drink of water from the fountain since that’s the only one in the store. They eventually let me out of cuffs and took me upstairs to have the manager confirm it was me. I told him I was just getting some water downstairs.

Turned out another warehouse worker had tripped off the alarm accidentally, and I had just been right where the cops were exactly when they came in through the doors.

Well, that was fun.


Hollywoodland (2006) Review

Hollywoodland (2006), directed by Allen Coulter

Production Companies: Back Lot Pictures, Focus Features, Miramax Films, Universal Pictures

Movie Length: 126 min

IMdb Movie Info

I don’t know what to say about it, I’m sort of indifferent after watching this movie.

Hollywoodland is a movie starring Ben Affleck and Adrien Brody, about the conspiracy around George Reeves’ (aka as Superman) death. Private investigator Louis Simo intends to excel his career as a private investigator by taking an interest in the case — a supposed suicide, in which the mother thinks that her son was actually (oh no) murdereeeeddd!!

I think the movie was worth watching, though a bit on the long side. The story could have definitely moved faster, there wasn’t exactly a lot of story elements that would have been cut, it just seemed like there was a lot of dwelling on certain things that happened.

There were a lot of good things about the movie, like good acting, the music/soundtrack, and the writing for the most part.

The ending was very abrupt, i thought. when it faded out I was like “that can’t be the ending…”

…but it was.

It felt like they didn’t know how to end it, so they just did. I assume the real case was left unsolved, so they had to do that, but it felt weird how it ended.

Perhaps what added to that weirdness and longness of the movie was that it was like watching 2 movies going on at the same time. It was very hard to tell what was the past with George Reeves (Ben Affleck), what was the present with Louis Simo (Adrien Brody), and what was Simo’s theory sequences. In that regard, cinematography didn’t do anything overly ambitious to set the three elements of the movie apart from one another.  It was interesting seeing Bob Hoskins in another movie besides Who Framed Roger Rabbit, too.

It could be conceivable to see the ending as a cop out, now that I think about it. We spend about an hour and a half learning about George Reeves, and Simo’s quest to learn about why Reeves is dead, and we end up seeing Simo making amends with his son. It could be construed that Simo was supposed to have learned something from going through all of that, but it wasn’t portrayed very well.



Why Study Geometry?

This entry is part 2 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

These are ridiculous reasons why you should study geometry according to Carolina Mathmatic in Burlington, North Carolina 27215.

This poster was in Dr. OldNBald’s room, and pisses me off so much, that I had to copy it all and have my responses to each one of them.

There’s a buncha cartoons saying this crap (they were in no really particular order, they’re mixed up all around on the poster):

1. A guy spinning around in a tornado: It helps me track the paths of storms

davepoobond’s response: Well, it looks like you’re keeping track of the storms pretty well already, since you’re getting caught up in them, you stupid bastard. Why don’t you get a life?

2. A skleton: It helps me understand X-Ray diffraction patterns

davepoobond’s response: good job fag. Most people in the world don’t need to know how an X-Ray works. But I guess because you’re a skeleton, its useful to you.

3. A stupid annoying girl: I learned what it means to get my teacher off on a tangent!

davepoobond’s response: by sucking her dick?

4. A kid with a large piece of paper: I heard paper folding activities are fun!

davepoobond’s response: is that all you can think of? Thinking of paper folding activities? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DO A PAPER FOLDING ACTIVITY WHEN THEY CAN DO SOMETHING EXTREMELY MORE SENSIBLE? And who the fuck would say “hey, paper folding activities are fun” anyway?

5. 2 aliens in a UFO: We use it for interplanetary travel

davepoobond’s response: you heard it here folks, aliens are confirmed by the government. They screwed themselves up the ass when they issued this poster. Now we KNOW the government is lying to us.

6. A scientist holding up a model of a molecule: I need it to understand bond angles

davepoobond’s response: oh. You do, do you. Don’t we already have something called a computer that can tell you everything about a bond angle already?

7. A city road worker by his green semi truck that says “city roads” on it: I need to know how much salt is in that conical pile for spreading in case it snows tonight. (there’s two big “conical” piles of salt in front of him)

davepoobond’s response: what good will that do you, you stupid fuck? You either have enough or you don’t! Its trial and error. If you don’t have enough, go back and get some more, God dammit! You don’t need to find out how much fucking salt is in a conical pile, just use it.

8. An Eagle: It’s OUTTA SIGHT

davepoobond’s response: what kind of reason is this? You’re gay. Stupid eagle.

9. A $ dollar bill, and the guy on it is saying: New Math Means More Money!

davepoobond’s response: New Math also means More Counterfeiting

10. A painter in front of a castle: I need to estimate how much paint I’ll need for this castle.


11. A black kid: it’ll help me raise my SAT scores

davepoobond’s response: this is one reason I agree with. This is the only sane reason out of all these other reasons. Why can’t they think of more good reasons, so that I don’t have to be angry at people who make stupid shit like this?

12. A fireman putting water on a burning house: how long will the water in the tanker last?

davepoobond’s response: duhhh…I don’t know….maybe that’s why you use the fire tanker’s water until there’s no more water, and then go get some more. There is no math involved in that. There’s probably more math involved in driving to a fire hydrant.

13. A black kid with a light blue baseball cap and a dog: Sparky needed a cool new doghouse (the dog house all made out of triangles and looks like crap. No dog would want to live in it)

davepoobond’s response: Get a life! Just buy your dog a doghouse and call it a done deal. The dog won’t know the goddamn difference

14. A butterfly: So I can appreciate bilateral symmetry

davepoobond’s response: Why do you have to call it bilateral symmetry? Just call it symmetrical sides with one line down the middle. No one gives a shit when you call it bilateral symmetry. And no one really even cares to APPRECIATE something as insignificant as bilateral symmetry. Wow its bilaterally symmetrical. I can sure appreciate that shit.

15. A stupid little girl: It’s AWESOME!

davepoobond’s response: you’re wrong. ITS NOT!

16. A snowman: It helps me appreciate the beauty of nature

davepoobond’s response: how? So you can melt when the sun comes up the next day? Nice job jackass, you thought that through.

17. A girl playing miniature golf: That’s why I’m so good at miniature golf!

davepoobond’s response: That’s why you’re good at sucking cock too, I suppose. You used supplementary angles to know where to put the cock in your mouth. It’s the same principle with golf. Just fucking shoot the goddamn ball into the goddamn hole.

18. A black baseball player with a ball being thrown up in the air: Just keepin’ my options open

davepoobond’s response: to do WHAT? So you can know how to throw a fucking ball? PLEASE…

19. A builder: I’m a builder. I have to read blueprints

davepoobond’s response: and you use geometry HOW, to read a blueprint? Its not that hard…you just read it.

20. A person making a quilt: I like to make quilts

davepoobond’s response: people have made quilts for generations without geometry. I’m sure you can live without it.

21. A submarine, you’re supposed to assume someone is saying: I want to keep my boat out of the mud!

davepoobond’s response: then stay off the ground

22. An Eskimo: I’m designing my own house (holding up a blueprint of an igloo)


23. An old woman, possibly a plumber: How much pipe will I need to plumb a new bathroom?

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you hire a PROFESSIONAL, because you definitely don’t seem to be one.

24. Sherlock Holmes: It’s elementary, my dear Watson. …and Junior high and high school

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? Is that supposed to be funny?

25. A boy filling up water balloons: anybody remember the formula for the volume of a sphere?

davepoobond’s response: yeah I do. Its called fill it up until you think there’s enough water in the balloon, before it breaks open and spills all over yourself.

26. A black woman playing pool: so I can figure out bank shots

davepoobond’s response: You don’t need to know geometry for that. You need to take a pool class for that, and you won’t need to know useless crap you won’t use.

27. A guy at a computer: I’m designing a new CAD-CAM program

davepoobond’s response: I’m sure that there’s plenty of good programming programs that can do that for you. Or better ones that you can never make

28. A black optometrist: I need to understand how a lens bends light

davepoobond’s response: Why? Optometrists prescribe lenses to us, they don’t need to know how light bends. They are not the ones inventing the lenses to give to us. They are the doctors who don’t do much but find out what your vision is and give you the appropriate lenses for you to wear.

29. A cowboy: I’m a cartoon. I don’t have to!

davepoobond’s response: har har….funnnyyyyy…..not.

30. A sphinx in front of a pyramid: I want to know the volume of my pyramid.

davepoobond’s response: So you can sit there for another half a million years saying that you know the volume of your pyramid? “Hey guys, the volume of my pyramid is 4233492080982345809 square tons. Isn’t that super?”

31. A football player: If Herbie can, so can I!

davepoobond’s response: Is Herbie the little car made by VW that used to be a racing champion? So…a car knows geometry then?

32. A white kid with a finger on his mouth: shhh. I’m building a scale model of a stealth fighter

davepoobond’s response: don’t those usually come with instructions, so you don’t have to figure out all the places things go? Which means geometry usage equals 0

33. Kid: I WANT TO TESSELATE! Teacher: Do you have a note from home?

davepoobond’s response: wow. These guy crack me up. This is by far the most annoying out of all these, because this one is a big picture in the middle of the poster. And tessellating isn’t even fun.

34. A farmer with a cow: I need to know how much fertilizer to buy for 211 acres!

davepoobond’s response: you don’t need to buy any, because you have fucking cows.

35. A scientist holding up a ball with antenna coming out of it – supposedly a satellite: I want to use this satellite to map the earth

davepoobond’s response: newsflash! We already did it! HELLOOOOO???

36. A starfish: So I can appreciate radial symmetry

davepoobond’s response: ooooh I’m a starfish and I want to know all about radial symmetry….what the hell?

37. A captain with a world raised in his hand: We’ll be sailing along the great circle route

davepoobond’s response: there is no circle route! And even if there was, there would be no way in hell that you could make an exact circle

38. A person with a map: I need to find my way from point “A” to point “B”

davepoobond’s response: Here’s a clue: follow the map, the roads show you where to go, you don’t need geometry for that! You don’t even need SCHOOL for that

39. A scientist looking in a microscope: whoa!

davepoobond’s response: what? Did you see your penis?

40. A builder: I want to build the most modern buildings! (its just a triangle and its through a circle, just floating in mid air)

davepoobond’s response: oh you do, do you. Well, then build a GOOD building, not crappy buildings no one can use. Those are usually tall and rectangular.

41: Architect: I’m marking off the lots in a new housing development

davepoobond’s response: super. That sure makes me want to study geometry. In the rare instance that I may become an architect and mark off lots in a new housing development, I’ll be glad I took that geometry class

42. A muscle man trying to pull apart a triangle: I want to find out why triangles have such strength!

davepoobond’s response: that’s just the thing: triangles don’t have any more strength than anything else. You’re just weak! And the fucking triangle is made out of metal….

43. A guy with a rake: I have to figure out how many boxwoods to plan around a circular driveway with a 30-foot radius

davepoobond’s response: you need to figure out how to die first

44. A fisherman with a huge ass fish: I studied stream flow and insect hatch patterns and finally caught “Old Gill”

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? NO fisherman in the WORLD does this. And this is more biology/ecology than geometry

45. A head: My English teacher was impressed when I started using words like “conversely” “congruent” and “counter-example”

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you conversely get a congruent life so I can counter-example it with my machete. Yeah that was bad.

46. A trapezist: I need to find the area of a trapeez-oid

davepoobond’s response: oh har har har….TRAPAZOID….TRAPEZIST…they’re so much alike…

47. A pilot in a plane: I can’t afford to lose my bearings

davepoobond’s response: you can’t afford to lose your pilot’s liscense either, which you just did. So die.


davepoobond’s response: oh…air is everywhere too. Do I need to study air? No, I just breathe it in and not care about it.

49. A guy: I’m into wheel covers

davepoobond’s response: WHEEL COVERS? You like to cover your wheels? WHAT THE HELL!

50. A general: it helps me get around the pentagon

davepoobond’s response: wow that’s funny. So I guess geometry helps you move your legs, and helps your arm open a door.

51. A white girl on the phone: you can help boys with their homework; and boys can help you with yours!

davepoobond’s response: this is just a hypothesis, depending on if the boys would actually want to help you with your homework. If you don’t study geometry why wouldn’t they help you with your homework anyway? Stooopid

In conclusion, after 51 stupid reasons to study geometry and 51 glorious responses to them that countered the “reason” to study geometry, only 1 out of 51 was actually a good reason. And even for that, who cares after you do take the SAT? no one. Now go study geometry, kiddies. Cause aliens can fly through space with geometry, and people can make their dog’s houses really geometry-like.


I Feel Dumb Right Now

more and more i think about it, i get more and more suspicious…

some older African-American guy came by at around 4:30 today saying he was with the “department of homeland security.” So i open the door, and he lets me look at his badge, but for the life of me i can’t remember or even read anything on his badge cause it just happened to be in a very low light, and for some reason i really couldn’t even see it…but as far as i could really tell it looked legit. he also let me look at it for a while before he said anything. it was in a folding wallet, but it seemed like two pieces of paper, not really a metal badge or anything like that. his picture wasn’t on the “badge” either.

he said he was doing a “background check” on a neighbor that is just moving in and he was asking neighbors about her.

i had noticed someone moving in earlier in the day, so i assumed he wasn’t making that part up, at least.

he asked me if i knew her or anything, and i said no, i had just seen her moving in…

so at that point, he was just all like “well okay, if i could just have your name”

so i gave him my name…and he had me spell it out, so i did. and he wrote down my apartment number. he had like a big folder thing where he had scratched down what seemed like other apartment numbers, but i couldn’t really see what he wrote down. he asked me if i could give my phone number, but said i didn’t have to give it to him if i didn’t want to, so i didn’t give it to him.

i didn’t really ask anything about why he was doing the background check, and it didn’t really occur to me that the “Department of Homeland Security” doesn’t really exist to do stuff like that, as far as i know. they are just an administrative body in DC, aren’t they?

ugh…i feel dumb.



We got a new email system for my school and some idiot IT guy sent a mass mail to everyone, leaving the “cluster name” in the To: field so that everyone can reply to it. And people started replying to it. And it goes to everyone.


From: Goo, Simon [mailto:sgoo]
Sent: Wed 8/30/2006 3:46 PM
Subject: test10


Simon Goo
CSU Fullerton
Information Technology


Fri 9/8/2006 6:53 PM

From bs:

What is test 10?

your mail is not clear to me

Bha. Su


Fri 9/8/2006 8:31 PM

From cobian:

Why are you responding to email to “Simon Goo” at my email address? This is not Simon Goo’s email. Please make note.

-Alison Cobian


Fri 9/8/2006 9:12 PM

From fv312:

I apologize for any inconvenience but I do not know who any of these contacts are. I would appreciate it if I could stop receiving mail from the contacts listed above. Thank you and again I apologize for any inconvenience.


Fri 9/8/2006 11:08 PM

From ashleypark:

I apologize for any inconvenience but I do not know who any of these contacts are. I would appreciate it if I could stop receiving mail from the contacts listed above. Thank you and again I apologize for any inconvenience.


Fri 9/8/2006 11:16 PM

From BeatriceNistor:

Please Stop adding the “DL-Stuexchcluster1” its why we’re all getting the mail


Fri 9/8/2006 11:22 PM

From cmonge:

I also do not understand why I am receiving emails. Therefore please delete my email address from contacts. I do not know anyone of the contacts. Thank you


Fri 9/8/2006 11:38 PM

From dannyphan03:

It’s pretty obvious that they’re testing the new email system. Simon Goo is the IT guy….so chill out people and stop sending these email to everyone…it’s getting pretty annoying. Thank you all


Fri 9/8/2006 11:48 PM

From lv3tj:

Um.. i dont know any of u.. but.. i hope that this email thing.. stops soon!


Sat 9/9/2006 12:04 AM

From EFeldman:

This is the funniest thing ever.


Sat 9/9/2006 12:35 AM

From madenchina:

my god people… its clear that none of us know each other… if your lonely this is not the way to make friends… for god sakes this thing will stop when we stop responding to each other… oviously this has no importance of any kind so who gives a crap about what this is or what its for just dont respond to it! i hope that the message is clear enough: DONT PUSH THE DAM RETURN KEY!!!! if u c it leave it DEL this letter and DO NOT write a return message to this and it will stop!!!


Sat 9/9/2006 1:18 AM

From echoi:

hqahahahahaha…imma add to the problem.. lol


Sat 9/9/2006 1:19 AM

From echoi, again:

lol….just adding to the problem…lol…stress freaks

Sat 9/9/2006 10:41 AM

From evphan:

me too i want to add to the problem 😉


Sat 9/9/2006 11:18 AM

From anthonyha:

just using this opportunity to let you all know that i’m dead sexy


Sat 9/9/2006 12:10 PM

From c_raquel_a:

The Simon Goo Test 10 was a system test of all email through CSUF. No response or request to be removed from the contact list is necessaary, ie.. if you are deleted it means no more email from anyone.

Sat 9/9/2006 1:53 PM

From cindyguerrero:

Please stop sending e mail to my adress, I don’t know any of these people I am not Simon Goo


Sat 9/9/2006 1:58 PM

From Ammar S. Amirkhizi :

Dear Simon,

This is turning into something like hotmail or yahoo e-mail accounts and I’m sure many of us don’t like to monitor our e-mails for spam.

It seems that some students do not have the ability to recognise that this is a student e-mail account and it is not to be used for spamming.

Please take the necessary actions for them to behave in an educated manner.



Sat 9/9/2006 2:11 PM

From jeschultz21:

Perhaps this is a mistake, but just to let you know that I am receiving this e-mail from you and I don’t know why.


Sat 9/9/2006 2:22 PM

From spimentel23:

i’m receiving this as well.

Sat 9/9/2006 2:34 PM

From lneumann:

do i know you people and what is test10?

Sat 9/9/2006 2:37 PM

From be188207:

i dont know what is going on, i never sent mail to any of these addresses so in the future disreguard any messages from this user. Thanks

Sat 9/9/2006 2:52 PM

From gonzales:

I don’t know any of you & i keep getting these emails about test10. PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME!! CHECK THE SPELLING OF THE EMAIL ADDRESSES YOU ARE SENDING TO!

Sat 9/9/2006 2:55 PM

From jamiebarber:

why do i keep getting a million Test10 emails. Annoying!!


Sat 9/9/2006 2:59 PM

From Lea Bagtas:

It seems to be that “Test10” is just what it states, a test. It may or may not be a spam. Nonetheless, if you wish to reply to email TEST10 or anything related to it, please make sure that you are using the “reply”, or “reply to sender” button instead of the “reply to all”.

This way, no one is getting redundant emails or blanket emails. I have received over 5 emails, all of which had nothing to do with me. I’m sure this is as much as an inconvenience to me as it is to others.

Thank you for your consideration.


Sat 9/9/2006 3:04 PM

From lmkidwell892:

this is all going to my email as well. anybody know how to stop it because its kinda gettin annoying!!


Sat 9/9/2006 3:11 PM

From kendiewendie:


Sat 9/9/2006 3:18 PM

From gcon:

Can you please take me off of your mailing list! Test 10??? :/ Who are you guys? and why am i receiving mail from you??


Sat 9/9/2006 3:21 PM

From Peter Martinez:

Yes, the main e-mail address list got leaked… somehow it started w/ IT sending out an e-mail to the “clusters” which probably means every student e-mail account.

Think of it as a huge myspace bulletin … yes, kind of annoying…




Sat 9/9/2006 3:23 PM

From EJB1188:

I think this will spam to everyone..I’m testing it out!


Sat 9/9/2006 3:58 PM

From chris.nguyen:

wth? I have recieved over 35! 35! of these emails…please stop sending!


Soon after, the e-mails stopped coming. And then all of a sudden they were all deleted from my inbox.

In conclusion, it would have gone on for eternity, since there’s like 32,000 people at my school. Idiots.


Intersections: Phenomena or Conspiracy?

Stupid intersections.

For example, you’re walking down the street, toward an intersection of 2 streets. As you walk toward it, not a car is there, but…as you get closer and you’re about to go across the street, the cars come from all ways, making your crossing all the more difficult, not to mention all the people driving the cars are usually idiots, almost running you over and such. Or if they don’t see you and cut in front of you, smiling and waving.


Then, as soon as you go across, they’re gone. No more cars. Its all bullshit really, its like all those people plan to go into the intersection at the same time as you.

Is it a conspiracy? Maybe.

Is it a phenomena? I don’t give a shit.

I’m just pissed off at intersections, and you should hate them too.


5 Is the Max: The Phone Call Theory

So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.

The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.

You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.


Looking Back At: Juvenile – Back That Azz Up

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Looking Back At

Quite possibly “the” song of our generation, Back That Azz Up (also known as Back That Thang Up in the mainstream for censorship reasons) truly speaks to the soul. With meaningful and soul-speaking lyrics like “Drop it like its hot! DROP DROP DROP it like its hot!” one can really appreciate the angle from which the rapper, Juvenile, is coming from.

Back That Azz Up may have “Ass” cleverly mispelled with two “z’s” replacing the “ss” in Ass, but that doesn’t excuse it from being a 20th Century Masterpiece. Back That Azz Up truly is — in this edition of Looking Back At — a first-rate staple in today’s society.

And remember, you can smokify your bag-yeah, of grass-yeah.