The Internet Situation
All posts by davepoobond (DPB)
You Caught My Eye
Two Friends
Quote #18753
“I hope they have 4G coverage in heaven. Otherwise, they’re being ripped off for service.”
– davepoobond
“List of 10 Things” Breakdown
We all have things to do. Sometimes we put them in a list. Well, today I found a list of things to do on the ground. And since I didn’t have anything better to do, I thought it would be worth my time to completely obliterate this person’s list of things to do, for no reason other to be a dick.
So, here we go!:
“1. Confirm still life”
Yes, this is your confirmation, my friend. This is a still life. We are doomed to forever work at our crappy jobs and breathe the air on this Earth until we die and then that’s it. The only redeeming factor to this “still life” is 80’s music. And metalcore with piano in it.
“2. Complete graphite transfer”
Uh oh. Graphite transfer of what? Your naked body? Mmm… You better be that kinda hot Asian chick that I think dropped this list if that’s going down.
“3. Clean room”
An honest proposition. However, an even more honest assessment would be that your room will never be “clean” considering you’ve tainted it with your being.
“4. Write letter”
This is as ambiguous as you can get. Technically, you’ve written a lot of “letters” already. However, if this is a letter that you send in the mail, it is oddly very unspecific… almost as if just in case this list had been seen by someone else, such as myself, if they ever wrote an article about it and posted it on a web site for all to see, we wouldn’t know to who this mysterious “letter” is for.
“5. Fill out concentration/major paperwork.”
I hope you don’t have to rely on this list to remember to do that. Cause I guess you’re not gonna have a major ever if you do.
“6. Pay Insurance!”
Interestingly this is of midway importance for this person. It is sort of a commentary on America itself, once you think about it. Insurance is only #6 on the list of importance. That’s why Republicans want to get rid of Obamacare, not because they want to insurance companies to keep their costs down, but to keep the individual’s costs high and to keep rising!
The “ce” was also whited out, so it brings to question what she had actually spelled originally.
“7. Spay Ammy”
Looks like today is Ammy’s lucky day. Ammy will still be able to make babies when this day is through. Maybe.
“8. Rework Artwork”
This feels like some sort of rhyming action is trying to take place. I wonder if “Rework Artwork” is the name of an object or an art piece in and of itself. Which would mean we don’t know what the hell this actually means.
“9. Lay out story/storyboards”
Considering a storyboard is supposed to help you lay out a story, I don’t know why you’d want to do both at the same time. Sounds like this should have been two numbers!
“10. Be happy!”
This is what gets me about this whole list. You have to remind yourself to “be happy” cause your life is apparently so crummy, that you have to artificially make yourself happy by telling yourself to “be happy” in a list of things to do.
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Anyway, I’m just glad I wasn’t put in the awkward position of having to explain why I was writing two pages about this girl’s To-Do list that she dropped on the floor unknowingly, had she unexpectedly come back.
Let It Go For 9 Cents
Yesterday some douchebag wanted to buy a pencil and he only had like 95 cents. I told him the pencil he was interested in buying was 1.08 with tax. And he was all, “can’t I just bring the rest of the money later?”
I told him, “No, you’re about 9 cents short and I can’t let things out of the store without it being paid for.”
“Really? 9 Cents? You won’t let it go for 9 cents?”
At first I thought he was being sarcastic/joking but then it became apparent he was actually pissed as he started shaking his head and cursing under his breath.
Like, what the fuck do you want me to do, asshole? Short my register for your sorry “can’t afford 9 more cents” ass? Or pull money out of my pocket for you?
Fuck you! Fuckin’ asshole!
Postage Is (Not) 46 Cents!
A couple days ago there was this girl who was very convinced that postage is 46 cents. I tried to help her by saying it was 44 cents, and she only needed to use one stamp for a regular sized letter.
So, she came over to my register and told me she needed to buy two stamps. I took out two 44 cent stamps and she paid for it. She asked whether or not postage was 46 cents or 44. I told her it was 44.
Then she came back and said she wanted to buy two 2-cent stamps. I asked why she needed them and she said postage was 46 cents, not 44. So, I asked her when it went up, cause I hadn’t heard of that happening, and she said “last year” and that she “looked it up on Google.”
She was getting angry because she thought I wasn’t going to sell her her 2-cent stamps. I told her if she wanted to buy them she can, but she didn’t need to. I even showed her on the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE web site how it is only 44 cents but she didn’t believe me still. She said she was sending a lot of pictures, so I told her the web site would appraise a 4-ounce letter at around 80 cents, in that case. So it still wouldn’t matter for buying the 2-cent stamps.
After she left, I looked it up on Google, and the first thing I saw was an article from July 2010 saying stamps MAY go up to 46 cents. Nothing said it was CURRENTLY 46 cents, and everything had a question mark or some sort of speculative commentary about it. You can see what she probably looked for at this link, but if postage does go up to 46 cents in the future, it’ll be filled with newer articles that don’t exhibit this point.
What a dumb bitch. I was only trying to help her.
Hector’s Stupid Email
Y’know, sometimes we get stupid e-mail. And when I get stupid e-mail, I post it on my web site. This came through the mailing list that is shared by my job, and it’s really not supposed to have stupid shit like this sent through it.
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Sent by: “Hector B.”
Date: Wed, Feb 2, 2011 at 8:15 PM
Subject: Amazing News!!!!
If you are currently looking for a better job, better paying, more satisfying job, look no further!!! lol. Or if you just want to make extra income from home??? Please feel free to contact me. There is a huge event going down this saturday morning feb 5th. Please let me know. Best wishes. Thanks for your time.
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On Feb 9, I sent this back to him:
“Dude don’t send this crap to me”
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“Hector B.” sends this back:
sorry man.
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Fuck you Hector B. You are an amateur spammer and suck at it! Now time for a random lol: lol. As a result, someone else replied to his spam message with another spam for some asshole tutor:
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Date: Feb 11, 2011
Subject: In need of a tutor?
Hi guys,
I just wanted to recommend a tutor to anyone in need of help in any of the subjects or standardized tests( LSAT, MCAT) listed on the attachment. This tutor has helped me excel in so many of my classes and I just wanted to share the love.
Thanks so much for your time!
–
Fuck youuuuuuuu!!!!
Mathematical Formula: Appropriate Dating Age
If you’re wondering what the youngest “socially acceptable” age for dating someone would be, it’s pretty simple to figure out.
All you do is divide your age by 2, then add 7. As long as you’re 14 and over, this formula works. Here’s a few examples:
14 year old can date a 14 year old
18 year old can date a 16 year old.
20 year old can date a 17 year old.
26 year old can date a 20 year old.
40 year old can date a 27 year old.
80 year old can date a 47 year old.
The only time this breaks down is when you are trying to figure it out if you’re 13 or less. You shouldn’t be dating at that age anyway, so you shouldn’t be trying to figure it out.
Now, it might not exactly be “legal” to date a 17 year old if you’re 20 in certain states, or even 18 to date a 16 year old. But that’s besides the point of the formula. Whether or not it’s “socially acceptable” is what you’re trying to figure out. It is basically trying to easily let you figure out if you should be going out with someone of a drastically younger age than you, and if it would be perceived as odd.
As long as the divide by 2 add 7 formula checks out, and they’re the age or older of the product of the equation, then you’re good!
Exigent Circumstances
There was this stoner guy that came to the store on Tuesday. He had a rental book that was about a month and a half overdue, and he had said that he had come into the store earlier and talked to someone upstairs in the textbook department about returning the rental book, but they had to talk to us at Customer Service before being able to.
The reason being, there is a late fee/replacement price associated with any late rental books. And, being a month and a half overdue, this fucker thought he’d be able to just return a water-damaged book three weeks into the next semester without having to pay anything.
The reasoning behind his being late was he had “exigent circumstances” that prevented him from completing the class on time. Okay, fine. He brought his teacher with him to vouch for him, as well. Oh, great.
So, I went upstairs to ask a book manager and to see what they could do for the guy, which I knew wouldn’t be much. When she came down to talk to him, the guy was a complete idiot and kept saying how he had exigent circumstances and he “had a baby” and can’t be throwing around sixteen dollars here and there.
The manager had come to a middle ground and said that we would only charge him the late fee, which was the rental fee again at 14 dollars. The guy didn’t understand why he had to pay a late fee for something he has in his hand and was trying to return to us. She also offered if he had bought the book at the replacement price of 16 dollars, we would buy back the book at 5 dollars, so he’d actually be saving 3 dollars if he had done so.
He wouldn’t have it. He didn’t want to pay a dime. This stupid mother fucker had his school records on hold and couldn’t change or drop any of his classes or get any school services that he might need done because of 15 dollars. He didn’t understand why we charged late fees and didn’t agree that he should pay them. But he still signed the agreement to the terms, and it was his fault he didn’t read it.
So he started throwing around accusations like “you guys are nickel and dime-ing students” and he had “just bought a $150 book” and now had to “buy another $15 book.” So the book manager had made the argument that that we had lost out on the money the bookstore could have made off that book, which is why we charge the late fee/replacement price, and that it was already three weeks into the semester and we will probably lose out on the opportunity to sell that book to another student.
Then he said, “How are you so sure that all the students have gotten their books already,” and the book manager said we didn’t, but most have already gotten their books so the likelihood of it being sold was minimal. Then he said “well, *I* didn’t get my books,” in a “ah-ha I got you” kind of tone. The book manager said “I’m not going to get into a nit-picky fight with you…” etc etc.
So at the end of it, the guy ended up NOT paying and he left with a hold still on his school records. And the whole time, the faculty member he coerced into bringing with him was nodding her head agreeing with everyone. She was probably oblivious to everything that was happening, and I don’t know why she was wasting her time at 7 pm to come with this guy to try and get him off on any late fees.
Fuckin’ asshole comes right before the store closes too. What a great time to come.
The Band-Aid Bandit
So, there was this complete spaz that came in last week on Tuesday.
This guy was very, VERY concerned that he might have taken a band-aid accidentally and didn’t pay for it. The conversation went something like this:
Spaz: “Uhhh hi, I was wondering if there is a way to see if I had accidentally taken something. I don’t know if I did or not cause I bought a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids. Would there be anyway to see if I did?”
dave: “Ummm…do you have a receipt? That would be the only for-sure way I can tell you if you paid for something or not.”
At this point, I’m not sure if his concern is that he didn’t pay for it or that he was charged for something he didn’t want.
Spaz: “Uhh, a receipt? Uhh ahhh uhhh no. I don’t have a receipt. But I think I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids and I already opened a package and I used one but I don’t know if I took it and I was wondering if there was a way to check for that.”
dave: “Well, again, the only way I can tell for sure or not is whether or not you have your receipt. I can tell you for sure what you got charged for if you have one.”
Spaz: “OH, uhhh a receipt, I don’t have that.”
So, after a few seconds of him not really saying anything else…
dave: “Umm…well, let me ask my manager for you to see if there’s anything we can figure out.”
At this point I’m dumbfounded that he’s making such a big deal about this. I have nothing else that I can come up with to say to him, so I asked my manager and told him the situation, that he thinks he might have taken something accidentally or whatever. My manager said it would take a lot of leg work to figure out if he took anything, and as long as it was an honest mistake, we would excuse it, so I went back to the Spaz and told him…
dave: “I talked to my manager and he said it was okay, you don’t have to worry about it. Thank you for your honesty, but you don’t have to worry about it.”
Spaz: “Oh, really? I don’t have to worry about it…? But I might have taken something without paying for it, you guys aren’t going to do anything about it? It might have been glue or a pencil or something, I don’t know what I might have taken, are you sure it’s ok?”
So, at this point I’m perplexed as to why he isn’t even sure about what he might have taken anymore.
dave: “Umm, well, like I said. My manager said it was okay, and you don’t have to worry about it. Going forward, just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store, and there won’t be a problem.”
Spaz: “OH, but I didn’t pay for something and I don’t know if I took it or not”
dave: “Like I said, it’s ok. It’s really not possible for us to check something like that, and we’re going to excuse it this time. Just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store in the future.”
Spaz: “Umm..ok.”
So, he finally leaves.
Then. He comes back. And says the same stuff again, to which I explain to him again. Then he leaves. Then he comes back again. Then I tell him the same stuff. Then he leaves. He leaves and comes back consistently over 20 minutes.
He’s wasting my god damned time at this point. So, I get really frustrated and say “I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE, I’M GOING ON LUNCH.”
So, I go on lunch. I come back only to hear that the guy comes back TWO MORE TIMES, and talks to my co-worker, who said he said the exact same thing I told him again. But the second time, he came back with a notebook and wrote down exactly what my co-worker had said. He didn’t appear for the rest of the day.
I didn’t work in the store on Wednesday, but I came back on Thursday at around 12. I heard that “my friend” had came back from my manager and I was like “what friend?” My manager said the guy that came a couple days ago saying he might have taken a band-aid. I was like “Oh, great.”
Not even five minutes after he told me he was in the store, the guy came back and I was there to talk to him.
Spaz: “Uh, hi. Do you remember what we were talking about last week or a while ago?”
Note that it wasn’t last week, it was Tuesday, the day before yesterday that he had come in.
dave: “Uh. Maybe.”
Spaz: “Well, ok, well, I think I might have taken something I hadn’t paid for, like band-aids or glue or pens or something, and I don’t know if I paid for it, is there a way you can check that?”
This fucking guy.
dave: “Like I said before. It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”
Spaz: “Don’t worry about it? What if it was something expensive?”
Ok, so NOW he’s getting on my nerves AND is acting suspicious as fuck.
dave: “Well, did you take anything expensive?”
Spaz: “No, I don’t know what I took, I think it’s in my notebook and my notebook is messy.”
dave: “Ok, well let’s do this then. Get your notebook in order. Then figure out what you might have taken out of the bookstore.”
Spaz: “Ok, oh but uh my notebook isn’t here. But even if its expensive, you guys aren’t going to do anything?”
dave: “Ok, like I said, don’t worry about it, you can go.”
At this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I kept saying it was okay, and I actually told him to leave. He finally left. But then he came back to look at a folder or something, and then left.
After that, I told my manager what he had said and we both became suspicious of him, so I called our security and told them to keep an eye on that guy.
I basically came to the conclusion that the guy did steal something but he was using this ruse and us saying it’s “okay” as a justification for stealing whatever he had stolen OR stealing whatever he was planning on stealing.
He would just not drop it, and would not leave. He’s been stewing on this for at least 3 days’ worth of time, and its so obvious this guy has some weird mental problem.
The Badger’s Dam
One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam. Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.
That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam. Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.
So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall. Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam. Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.
Moral of the story: You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.
To Hell With Your Month-Long Holidays!
I hope its not just me, but I find it unbelievably pretentious to name a whole month after a super-specific idea. It pisses me off every time we hit Black History Month. Excuse me, I think that month is actually called FEBRUARY. Sorry if I don’t think your stupid cancer awareness or asian pacific heritage deserves one twelfth of the year to be devoted to your seemingly important cause.
These kinds of holidays should only be allowed to claim one day or at most one week of the year. There are 365 days. Pick ONE of those, you greedy assholes. I hear there’s a bunch of days in August where nothing happens, how about one of those? Why do I have to hear about your sanctimonious bullshit for a whole god damn month? We get it. You want us to learn about you. Wah wah cry me a river. Why don’t you go do something meaningful with your time rather than parading around saying “OH IT’S CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!”
Shit. I wasn’t aware of cancer. But I sure as hell am now considering there’s a whole fucking month named after it. HOORAY!
Just looking at the list of month long holidays on Wikipedia, I’m astounded half of them exist. Here’s a current list of stupid bullshit month-long holidays:
American Heart Month • Asian Pacific American Heritage Month • Black History Month • Cancer Control Month • Child Abuse Prevention Month • Confederate History Month • Gay and Lesbian Pride Month • Jewish American Heritage Month • National Breast Cancer Awareness Month • National Disability Employment Awareness Month • National Hispanic Heritage Month • National Nutrition Month • Ramadan • Steelmark Month • Women’s History Month
I’m giving you the big FU to all of it. I am now founding “I Hate Month-Long Holidays” Year — and it’ll be the whole year long every year until the rest of time. How do you like that????
It’s also amazing to me that you only care about preventing child abuse one month out of the year, but the rest of the time its a-okay (unless you get caught)!
Quote #17123
“There is blood stains all over the house and won’t come off the walls. Should we move?”
– davepoobond
Quote #17122
“Someone smacked me with a ruler and cut my hand open, it is my intent to put a band-aid on now”
– davepoobond