My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn’t marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, ‘Yes, in that order.’
A dog followed his master to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, “Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.”
A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!”
He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….
*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*
– “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
– “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
– “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
– “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”
– “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
– “Give me that!!”
– “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
– “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
– “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
– “Have you been drinking?!!?”
– “Okaaay! Looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”
While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. “Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” Wally replied.
“Then why are you standing in this long line?”
“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
I made myself a snowball,
as perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
and a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
but first it wet the bed.
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks’ performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.
“I love it!” she replied. “I’m getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life — shopping and criticizing people.”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”
“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”
“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says…”If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER.”
So, I call them and say, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”
“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year old son.
“Bob,” he said.
“And what’s your cat’s name?”
“Bob.”
“Well, how do you keep them straight?” I asked.
“Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.
“Go ahead and tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said… “Dennis Hopper.”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”
The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”
Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel.
On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”
“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”