I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
“I’m assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, “I’m self-absorbed.”
The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room.
The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, “You know, I’ve been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!”
Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Harry, “What should we do?”
“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”
My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body.
“Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier,” said my father.
He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. “I didn’t get any beer,” one said. “Did you?”
“You heard the chaplain,” the other replied. “It was just for the family.”
I manage a large discount bookstore and was amused by a phone conversation one of my salesclerks had with a new computer user.
The caller asked if we carried “Linux for Dummies.”
“No,” the clerk replied, “but we do sell ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Linux.'”
The man groaned and said, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Linux is way over my head!”
What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..
Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus – See The Wife.
My partner – He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.
Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub.
One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and remarks, “They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?”
Diane replies, “Simple. I just blindfold them.”
Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, “I’m sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?”
“That’s fine,” Lisa said.
“Okay,” the woman confirmed. Then she added, “Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table.”
Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly.
“What is a Rolls-Kinardly?” his friend asked.
“That is a car that rolls down one hill and kin hardly get up the next.”
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young Preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days!”
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, “Sorry, I was expecting the milkman.”
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:
– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
– I am a rabid typist.
– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
– Qualifications: No education or experience.
– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.
One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
“Why didn’t you wait till your husband got home?” someone asked.
“I could have,” my mother told the group,” but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”