An American asks a Mexican, “Do they have Jews in Mexico?”

The Mexican replies, “Si stupid we do.  Tenemos apple jews, orange jews, and pineapple jews.”

Tags: apple, Jewish, juice, Mexico, orange, pineapple, racist joke

(15 points)

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madapar - adj. to get stuck with a fat Jew.

Ex. I don’t want to be madapar.

Tags: adjective, Jewish, madapar

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Three Blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

Tags: Easter, glass, glasses, Guill, hand, hands, Jewish, nails, smile

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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

…she called me to get my phone number.

…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”

…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

…she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

…she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”

…she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

…she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

…she tried to drown a fish.

…she thought a quarterback was a refund.

…she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

…if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

…under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

…she tripped over a cordless phone.

…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”…she put Sagittarius.”

…she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

…it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

…if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.

…she studied for a blood test.

…she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

…she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

…she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

…she sold the car for gas money.

…when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

…when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

…she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

…when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

…she thought General Motors was in the army.

…she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…she jumped of a cliff to see if the wings on her maxi pads would make her fly!

…she locked herself in a bathroom pissed in her pants.

…she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…she asked her husband how to spell “T.V.”

…she bought a solar-powered flashlight.

Tags: angel89, blood, box, boy, car, charity, death, fish, floor, forehead, friend, Guill, ice, Jewish, Joe, money, number, orange, penny, school, test, The Peaman Thats Not a Man, train

(5 points)

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I.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them.This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV.

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now…

Tags: bathroom, chimney, Christmas, Earth, holiday stuff, Jewish, LEGO, muslim, Santa Claus

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rabinowitz - n. a Jew with rabies

Tags: Jewish, noun, rabinowitz

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marijewana - n. jewish marijuana

Tags: Jewish, marijewana, noun, weed

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jowb - adj. to be an angry Jew

Tags: adjective, Jewish, jowb

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Jewmas - n. another name for Hannukah

Tags: Hannukah, Jewish, Jewmas, noun

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Jewette - n. a small Jew

Tags: Jewette, Jewish, noun

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jewboinger - n. someone who has sex with Jews only

Tags: jewboinger, Jewish, noun, sex

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