*There’s a view of a city street at night, a couple of thugs are picking on a nerdy teenager*
Nerd: Please, don’t hurt me guys!
*The thugs laugh*
Lead thug: Listen to the little wimp beg…hand over the dough, now!
Thug 2: Just kill him Spyder!
*Panning in on the nerd’s sweaty face*
Thug 3 (off-camera): Yeah, cut em open!
*Cut to Spyder’s face as he gives a cocky smile*
Spyder: Good idea gang…let’s go for it.
*He flips out a switchblade, suddenly there’s a loud whooshing noise*
Thug 3: What is that?
*The thugs look around, confused*
Heroic voice: Have a heapin helpin of this!
*Suddenly OJ Simpson flies down in a mech suit with a built-in jetpack and knocks the knife out of Spyder’s hand. The thugs begin to back off*
Spyder: I’m innocent, I swear!
Omega-J: I’m afraid the glove fits this time.
*Close-up of OJ’s face*
Omega-J: Bitch.
*Nozzles pop out from under both of his arms, he holds them up and starts shooting gigantic flames at the gang. They all ignite and start to scream in pain, burning horribly. The two thugs fall over while Spyder starts to run. He eventually comes up to a taxi, he knocks on the window*
Spyder: Hey give me the car, there’s a psycho after me!
*The window rolls down to reveal that Omega-J is sitting in the driver’s seat, giving a disgusted look*
Omega-J: Me no speak English!
*He shoots a torpedo from his chest. Spyder clings to the front of it as it soars through the city and eventually hits a McDonalds, exploding with a large mushroom cloud looming overhead. Cut to Ronald McDonald flying through the air, black and dirty from the explosion*
Ronald: Made you smile!
*He frowns and explodes. His shoes fall into a Japanese man’s cake at his birthday party while he isn’t looking. The man puts on a party hat and picks up some chopsticks. He turns toward the cake, his smile quickly fading. He starts to scream in Japanese, translated English is printed at the bottom of the screen*
Japanese man: This chink has had enough!
*He looks down, angry and disappointed. Cut to Omega-J soaring through the air with his arm extended. He lands at a Kids R Us and looks around suspiciously, then crawls into a small playhouse display. One of his arms is sticking out of the window. The camera obviously cuts and he crawls out wearing a business suit, he slowly stands up and straightens his tie with a big smile*
OJ: Welcome to the Hot Wax Tales, I’m John Lithgow. For those wondering if the stories on volume one were true or not, take it from me…they were.
*He nods slightly with a wide eyed gaze*
OJ: Everything is made up of particles, but have you ever wondered if you could become a particle? Then this one is just for you. You’ll absolutely love it, my landlord certainly did.
*He puts his hand over his heart as it fades to black. The title appears slowly while an old man starts to talk:*
STORY 1: SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET
Old man: Everyone likes a good game of baseball and Tony wasn’t an exception.
*Fade into a ball park at night, fans are cheering as a batter strikes out. Cut to a ten year old, clutching his fists and cheering happily*
Old man: The Rhode Island Wagons, Tony’s favorite team, were up to bat.
*A middle-aged man steps up to the plate and spits, then puts his bat between his legs and laughs, pointing to it*
Announcer: It looks like a dick! Hah hah, now that’s funny!
*The audience is laughing loudly*
Middle-aged man: Oooh yeah.
*He gives a cool smile and waves at everyone. Cut to Tony, zooming into his almost tearful eye*
Tony: I want to be just like him when I grow up…
*Cut back to the batter as he trips over home base and falls forward, his bat impaling itself through his penis, the audience stops laughing*
Announcer: Now that’s my spicy meataballs!
*The crowd starts to laugh again, pointing at the batter’s decaying corpse, everything goes into slow motion. Cut to different ugly people as they laugh, sometimes spitting milk out of their nose. Cut to the announcer holding his belly and crying from laughing so hard, suddenly a bear runs up from behind. The announcer looks over and screams, then jumps through the window and falls all the way down, smashing his head and being crushed by the bear. Cut to Tony getting out of his seat and jumping down. He starts to run widemouthed across the field with the bear chasing him. He gets to the middle-aged man’s body and grabs a hold of the bat, everything goes back into normal motion*
Tony: It won’t budge!
*The bear tries to pounce on him but he pulls the bat out of the man’s bloody dick in time to hit it in the face. The bear turns into a skeleton and the crowd starts cheering. Tony slowly starts to get taller and grow long black hair. He gets bigger and more muscular everywhere and all of his clothes rip off except a black loincloth. He raises his arm victoriously and speaks with a black man’s voice*
Tony: I….am a warrior!
*A beam of light flashes down around him and slowly lifts him into the sky, everything flashes to white*
Old man: Tony had become a man, but being a man is no easy task.
*Fade to Tony wearing a business shirt and tie and sitting behind a desk, jacking off and looking at a computer screen*
Old man: Tony had given up on his dream after baseball was banned that night, so he decided to work for a major computer company.
*A fat man with a goatee walks up to Tony and crosses his arms*
Fat man: Tony, we needed that fax hours ago and here you are looking at basket weaving techniques.
Tony: I’m going to lunch.
*He pulls up his loincloth and walks out. Cut to him banging on a vending machine*
Tony: Come on you son of a bitch! Give me my damn Fritos!
Mysterious voice: Having problems?
Tony: Yeah…I a-
*He turns around and sees the ghost of the middle-aged man*
Ghost: I’m going to need my bat back…
Tony: Forget it!
*He spits in the ghost’s face and scowls, the ghost wipes it off and grabs Tony by the collar*
Ghost: You give me that damn bat or it’s your head!
*Tony pulls the bat out and bends back*
Tony: Yours first!
*He smacks the ghost in the side of the face with it, knocking his head off. He crosses his arms while the ghost’s body tries to find the head*
Tony: This is my town!
*A beam of light circles around him again, he flies up through the ceiling and everything flashes to white*
Old man: There are times when one must give up the object he loves most, Tony wasn’t prepared to give anything.
*Fade into Tony in a coffin, his relatives are crying and looking down at him*
Mother: He was such a nice man…
*Tony sits up and looks around*
Tony: How the fuck did I get here!?
Mother: Watch your mouth!
Tony: Shut up faghag!
*He reaches over for his bat but it isn’t there, slowly pan to Tony’s angry face as he lays down and slams the lid*
Tony: He’s going to pay for this!
*His voice echoes as he freeze frames. The screen splits in two, on the right side the ghost is shown hitting people with his bat in the grocery store. He circles in on Earl, the manager. The screen returns to normal and Tony unfreezes*
Tony: If he hurts Earl, so help me God…..
*He clenches his fists, then bursts out of the coffin and jumps ten feet into the air with his arms spread in slow motion. There’s a watermark of the American flag waving in the background with the Star Spangled Banner playing. The speed returns to normal as he crashes out of the funeral home window. Cut to Earl tied up in the stock room while the ghost polishes his bat*
Earl: Why are you doing this!?
Ghost: Being a ghost isn’t what people think it is..
*He sits down and starts to cry*
Earl: Tell me more…
*The ghost slowly looks up at Earl. Cut to Tony running down the street, running into people and knocking them over*
Old man: Time was running out, pure and simple.
*Cut to the ghost, he stops polishing and looks at his bat, smiling. Tony crashes through the door*
Tony: You listen here. If you died holding that bat then what makes you think you can survive as a ghost with it?
Ghost: I…I guess you’re right..
*He sits and looks down*
Ghost: I can’t survive…
*Tony nods*
Ghost: …And neither can you.
*Earl comes out of the shadows and shoots Tony in the face. He falls over dead and the ghost starts to clap*
Ghost: Good show Earl, you’re a good man afterall.
*They shake hands and the ghost goes to open the door*
Earl: Forgetting something?
Ghost: Oh, of course. Thank y-
*He turns around and Earl shoves the bat through his dong*
Ghost: AAARGH WHY EARL, WHY!?
Earl: As a famous philosopher once said, suck my dick!
*The ghost falls over and turns into a skeleton, Earl picks up the bat and holds it up. A circle of light appears on him as he starts to fly up and everything turns to white. Fade to a crowd cheering as an aged Earl steps up to bat, pan over to a sign that says “EBL: Earl Baseball League.” Cut to Earl giving a thumbs up and smiling. He looks toward the camera and has the old man’s voice*
Earl: Tony wasn’t ready to give up, so I had to make him. Everyone should learn from his mistake….or else.
*He hits the ball and starts to run the bases. Cut to Al Roker in the crowd*
Al Roker: I want to be just like him when I grow up…
*Cut to black with jolting music*
*Fade to OJ Simpson walking up to a water fountain*
OJ: Nothing like some good old fashioned H20.
*He bends over and starts to drink it as a man walks up behind him. Twenty two seconds later the man looks at his watch and walks off shaking his head. Thirty seconds later he stops drinking and wipes his mouth off, then turns toward the camera*
OJ: Oh hi! Didn’t see you there!
*He puts his hands in his pockets*
OJ: If there’s one thing that bugs me it’s a woman that doesn’t know when to shut up, am I right or am I right?
*He smiles and nods, cut to him calling a taxi*
OJ: In this next story, keep in mind that it could happen to you or your family. Watch your back.
*He stares deeply and seriously into the camera and gets into a taxi, still staring into the camera. Fade to black, then the title:*
STORY 2: TIME SWITCHERS
*Fade in on a man walking into a doctor’s office and up to the receptionist’s desk*
Man: Hi, I’d like to see Doctor Aarons please.
Receptionist: Name?
Man: I just said, Aarons.
Receptionist: No, I mean your name.
Man: Clark…Clark Cane.
*The receptionist stares at him from the top of her tiny glasses*
Receptionist: Reason for seeing the doctor?
Clark: Uh..It’s kind of personal.
*Clark looks away nervously*
Receptionist: Have a seat, he’ll be with you shortly.
*Clark walks away slowly and sits down. After looking around nervously for a few seconds he pulls out a pistol and rubs it like a child. Dr. Aarons walks in*
Dr. Aarons: I’m ready to see you sir.
*Clark follows him into the office and Dr. Aarons slams the door behind him*
Dr. Aarons: Let’s do this thing.
*They both put on Chuck E. Cheese glasses. Dr. Aarons takes a picture off the wall to reveal two knobs, he twists one and the room starts to emit bright colors and play Slide Slide Slippity Slide softly*
Clark: We gotta make sure no one finds out about this!
*Dr. Aarons nods and closes six different shades on one window, then takes a lighter out and starts to set his fingers on fire*
Dr. Aarons: Don’t want to leave any fingerprints…
Clark: So is this all?
Dr. Aarons: I think so.
*A nurse opens the door and steps in*
Nurse: Doctor we have a….what’s going on in here!?
Dr. Aarons: The bitch is on to us!
*Clark shoves an IV into her neck, she convulses and falls over*
Dr. Aarons: Good thinking, we needed her for this anyway.
*Clark slams the door and locks it*
Dr. Aarons: Let’s blow this popsicle stand!
*Dr. Aarons turns the other dial and a big door opens up, Dr. Aarons carrying the nurse and Clark run and jump into it. Flip transition to Clark and Dr. Aarons standing in a lab with the nurse strapped down*
Dr. Aarons: If my calculations are correct, this syrum will make this woman extremely intelligent and able to leap two times the height of even the most tall buildings.
Clark: And if they aren’t?
Dr. Aarons: She’ll be a vegetable for life…
*They both look down slowly*
Both: Oh well!
*They give each other a high five and Dr. Aarons picks up a syringe*
Dr. Aarons: Oooh yeah!
*The nurse regains consciousness and smacks the syringe into the air. The syringe turns upside down and pours the syrum all over Clark and Dr. Aarons in slow motion. It returns to normal speed as they fall to their knees, screaming and thrashing. Clark slowly starts to turn into a piece of broccoli while Dr. Aarons changes into a corn on the cob. After the changes are over they stand up and look at each, smiling. they hug each other and a beam of light shines off of them, covering everything. Fade to the two holding hands and walking in the park*
Clark: Our relationship has been so wonderful, Charlie, but I want something more..
Dr. (Charlie) Aarons: What do you mean..?
Clark: Charlie….I want a baby.
*Charlie gives a stunned expression, smiling halfway*
Charlie: I….I…
Pedestrian: Hey I think I see those crazy food people! Kill the freaks!
Clark and Charlie: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun!
*They start to dash madly toward their car. Charlie trips and falls on his face, knocking some of his kernals off*
Clark: Charlie!!! I’ll never forget you!
*Clark runs toward the camera until everything is broccoli green, then the words “The End?” fade into view. Cut to black*
*Cut to Jackson wearing a wifebeater and leather pants eating a corn on the cob*
Jackson: Dayum, this is some good sheet.
*His cell phone starts to ring, he flips it open*
Jackson: Yeah? Corn shipment? I’m there.
*He flips the phone shut and opens the door to his beat up Oldsmobile*
Jackson: Come on Cokey!
*His dog runs into frame and jumps into the car. Jackson looks into the distance*
Jackson: Something about this just doesn’t feel right, yo…
*He gets into the car and drives off. Cut to an abandoned farm, two gangs are conversing*
Gang leader 1: You got the stuff man?
Gang leader 2: Oh yeah I’ve got it alright.
*Gang leader 1 smiles*
Gang leader 2: UP YOUR ASS!!
*The second gang gets out uzis and starts killing everyone in their sight, even their own members. Gang leader 1 dodges out of the way and hides behind some hay. He flips open his phone and is somehow talking to Jackson without even dialing a number*
Gang leader 1: Jackson, they cracked down on us!
*He gets shot in the back of the head through the hay, straw goes everywhere*
Jackson: They what!? Aw…they gonna get it now.
*He slides sideways into the side of the barn, then climbs out holding his dog*
Jackson: Find the corny scent Cokey!
*He holds the dog up over his head and throws it. It bounces off the barn and lands on it’s head, after a few seconds flies start to gather over it. Cut to Jackson walking up to Gang leader 2*
Jackson: Hand over da corn, now!!
Gang leader 2: Okay fine I’ll hand it over..
*Jackson holds out his hand*
Gang leader 2: OVER YOUR ASS!!
*They all hold up their uzis and try to fire but all they get are clicks; they’re out of ammo*
Jackson: Alright!
*Beethoven starts playing as Jackson starts kicking ass, he punches one in the stomach making him puke everywhere, then takes one’s sunglasses and shoves the ends through their eyes. The music stops and Jackson is now surrounded by dead gang members*
Gang leader 2: I ain’t got no corn, I swear!
Jackson: Bullsh-
*Clark bursts out of the Oldsmobile trunk and fires his pistol, the bullet goes through both of their heads and they fall on top of each other in a comical sex position. Clark walks over to them and shoots Jackson in the head again*
Clark: That’s for eating my husband!
*A tear runs down his cheek as a jetliner lands behind him. A businessman gets out*
Businessman: Are you Mr. Cane?
Clark: Yes…
Businessman: We’re from the Veggiesoft Corporation. Sir, you’re coming with us.
*Clark slowly walks into the jet, crying softly. The jet takes off into the distance, finally disappearing. Pan over to the barn, where Charlie stumbles out with only two or three kernals left on him*
Charlie: Clark, is that you!?
*The camera zooms up and out slowly*
Charlie: Claaaaaaaaaaaaark! Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!
*Fade to black with the words “The End.”*
*Fade into OJ Simpson eating noodles in a restaurant, a waiter walks by and OJ motions for him to stop*
OJ: Excuse me, can I have a small serving of clam chowder?
Waiter: Sir for the seventeenth time, no.
*The waiter walks away shaking his head and OJ looks at the camera*
OJ: Hey friend, I hope you liked that story. I sure didn’t.
*He starts to drink from a Donald Duck Orange Juice carton, suddenly he spits it out all over his noodles*
OJ: Hah hah hah, just kidding!
*He smiles as a Japanese man with a chef hat walks up to him*
Japanese man: You ruin birthday forever!
OJ: Well I think we should settle this little escapade, once and for all.
*He slaps his fist into his hand. Slide transition to the two of them playing with Rockem Sockem Robots, they both scream and try frantically to kill the other one’s robot*
Japanese man: This take too long!
*He picks up the play set and throws it in OJ’s face, then stomps off. OJ looks into the camera*
OJ: That hurt…but not much.
*He smiles, cut to the next title with jolting music:*
STORY 3: THE FUEL OF THE EMPIRE
*Fade into Mayor Lyle taking a crap in a carved jackolantern. His pants and underwear are around his ankles and his legs are spread wide. His penis dangles up and down to the rythm of the shit coming out of his ass. Every now and then a piece of crap will fall out of the mouth or eye of the pumpkin. After a few minutes of this he gets up*
Lyle: Man I HATE living in this shithole! If I had half a mind I’d just pack my things and move.
*He starts to urinate into the same jackolantern*
Lyle: If I were mayor, I would make sure no one ever had to live like I do.
Voice: But you aren’t mayor, Lyle…
*Jay Leno walks in, wearing a cape and glow in the dark fangs. He has a scar between his lips and nose, like a mustache*
Lyle: Leno, I need your help man..
Jay Leno: You destroyed my fucking house!
Lyle: How about we go out for some coffee?
Jay Leno: It’s a date.
*They smile and shake hands with happy music playing. Cut to the two of them sitting in Starbucks. Jay Leno is playing with a sugar packet while Lyle looks around nervously*
Jay Leno: …Raining cats and dogs out there…
Lyle: Yeah, I think I just saw Scruffy!
*They look at each other and laugh extremely loudly for half a second, then look away, embarrassed*
Lyle: I’ve been meaning to ask you something, Leno..
Jay Leno: Anything for my favorite person in the world.
Lyle: I’d like a big house, and a Ferrari.
Jay Leno: Then it’s settled, we’re engaged.
*They both start to make out heavily, eventually stripping and having hardcore anal on the table. Cut to Lyle trying on a tux at the mall: there’s a gigantic tear along his crotch and only half of the buttons are there*
Lyle: This one looks simply delectable!
*He throws it on the counter, the indian at the cash register slowly looks up from it with a serious look on his face*
Indian: Many moon ago, my people come to this country. We feast on bountiful corn, which we call maize.
Lyle: What’s your point, wetback?
Indian: We make reservations. Harrah’s Cherokee Casino. Many white people come spend money. I buy new red Toy-o-ta, many horses under hood, exhaust pipe sound like lion’s roar!
Lyle: Man ring up my damn tux, I’m going to be late!
Indian: I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Lyle: What? Why?
Indian: Leno is my man!
Lyle: Fist fight, outside your store in fifteen minutes. Winner take all!
Indian: You are on.
*The indian gets out a bow and arrow as Lyle turns around and shoots an arrow into the back of his head. Lyle falls over and the indian spins the bow around his finger and blows on it as if it were smoking*
Indian: All in a day’s work.
*Cut to the indian wearing Lyle’s tux at the chapel with wedding music playing. Jay Leno starts to walk up the aisle wearing a beautiful wedding dress*
Indian: He’s…gorgeous.
*Jay Leno gets up to the indian and the two look at the preacher*
Preacher: You hear the one about the cup of yogurt and the rabbi?
Indian: Yes.
*There’s a short pause*
Preacher: Okay. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to worship God and-
Jay Leno: No we’re not!
Preacher: What? Oh! Right, the wedding.
*Leno pulls out a gun and holds it to the preacher’s head*
Jay Leno: I am the mayor of this town, and I say you can either marry us or get the hell out of Carson City!
*The preacher gulps nervously*
Preacher: By the power invested in me, I now pronounce us man, man and man.
Jay Leno: What!?
Preacher: You told me to marry you two!
Indian: I don’t think this is going to work out Leno, I am sorry.
*He looks at his watch as Leno starts to cry*
Indian: Oh shit I’m missing America’s Funniest Animals!
*He dashes toward the doors, when he reaches to open them they fly open and hit him in the face, knocking him down. Lyle walks in naked with an angry expression*
Lyle: How could you do this to me!?
*The crowd gasps as Leno stops crying and gives a confident smile*
Jay Leno: You’re not going to soap on a rope out of this one, Lyle.
Lyle: Guess again, fatass!
*Lyle dives into the floor and starts to slide on his belly all the way down the aisle while the Thundercats theme song plays. Close-up of Jay Leno’s face as he gives an American salute. Finally Lyle slides head first into him, cut to the outside of the chapel: it explodes and throws rocks and glass everywhere. Fade to animals doing wacky antics with people laughing in the background. White text slowly floats up the screen as the indian reads it:*
Indian: How can one fall in love in an instant, yet deny the one they love a second orgasm at a coffee shop? These are the kind of things that Lyle and Jay Leno never figured out. I now have shiny new moccasins, given to me by the wealthy niggers in the trailer next to mine. So I guess it is all good.
*Cut to the indian sitting in a convertible wearing sunglasses, he flips them up and looks at the camera*
Indian: And one last thing. Do not leave the key to the city in your underwear drawer for a lonely injun to sniff through.
*The camera pans around to show that his liscense plate reads “MAYOR.” He spins off in his car, screaming at the top of his lungs in pure joy. Fade to black*
*Fade to OJ Simpson riding a lawnmower in the hot sun. He is wearing a straw hat and holding a lemonade. He looks at the camera and begins to speak but it’s impossible to hear him over the lawnmower. This goes on for several minutes, with OJ smiling and laughing the whole time. Suddenly the lawnmower stops*
OJ: And your mom too! Oh…out of gas.
*He frowns as it cuts to black, then rolls credits with snippets of the show in the background and “Tequila” playing*
the end.
-~- Tags: Hot Wax
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