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Tag - toilet


Hate Mail #23006

May 1st, 2013 Posted in Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Hate Mail No Comments »

Submitted through the Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song submission form.

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This form was submitted:  Nov 18 2003 / 14:24:24

name = Go Smoke A Toilet
song = What the f***
Put my stuff
On this motherf***ing site
Good God, Dave, why don’t you put my motherf***ing stuff
On this motherf***ing site?

-~-

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ibanera

March 3rd, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

ibanera – v. to eat a steak dinner while on the toilet

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Quote #22617

September 6th, 2012 Posted in Quotes No Comments »

“I’m gonna make her clean with that Fabulosa she made me buy.  Get down on that toilet, bitch!”

- a girl at school

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The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

April 19th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories No Comments »

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

-~-

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Chat #21824

August 8th, 2011 Posted in Chat Logs, Lame Chat Rooms 1 Comment »

kevmeister01: i like 2 POOP

kevmeister01: it keeps u regular

xoSuPa CaNdYox: o reely

kevmeister01: yes

kevmeister01: its a fact

xoSuPa CaNdYox: mmhmmm

WhiteBoi3313: =p

kevmeister01: yes

kevmeister01: quite

kevmeister01: indeed

WhiteBoi3313: lol

xoSuPa CaNdYox: yah im shur lol

xoSuPa CaNdYox: >.<

kevmeister01: peeing is pretty good 2 but its better when u pee in a bush

xoSuPa CaNdYox: no toilitz bettr

xoSuPa CaNdYox: cuz u cn whip ur ass on toilit paper

WhiteBoi3313: lol

kevmeister01: no cuz if u pee in a bush u might hit a homeless person

xoSuPa CaNdYox: soO when u pee in a toilit u pee on fishez

WhiteBoi3313: ya but pissin while drun if fun 2 caz u pee on ppl

kevmeister01: ya

xoSuPa CaNdYox: n besidez mr.toilit man luvz doodoo n peepee

kevmeister01: i like 2 pee on drunk ppl

xoSuPa CaNdYox: datz not fair cuz i cnt pee on no1

WhiteBoi3313: lol

WhiteBoi3313: brb

kevmeister01: ya u can

xoSuPa CaNdYox: no i cnt

kevmeister01: u just need 2 work on ur aim i can help

xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol wth

WhiteBoi3313: lol

xoSuPa CaNdYox: u jus wna play w/ me

xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol

WhiteBoi3313: no u squat on

WhiteBoi3313: their foot

kevmeister01: ya

WhiteBoi3313: =p

WhiteBoi3313: or leg

kevmeister01: or their face

xoSuPa CaNdYox: lol

WhiteBoi3313: ya thtl be funny with their tounge out befo they lik u u take a piss

kevmeister01: i go for the mouth all the time every time

WhiteBoi3313: lol

WhiteBoi3313: me cat is stupid

kevmeister01: thats good

WhiteBoi3313: i moving me hand around and its following it wiht it head its funny

kevmeister01: … quite

kevmeister01: indeed

WhiteBoi3313: lol

kevmeister01: yes

-~-

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cusofe

June 24th, 2011 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

cusofe – v. to wash yourself with toilet bowl cleaner

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Joke #21366

May 10th, 2011 Posted in (C) Sick Jokes, (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?

A: The cisterns of mercy.

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agnonanai

April 28th, 2011 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

agnonanai – n. a “singing” toilet.  Every time you flush it, it hums or squeals at several different pitches for an extended period of time.  We’re talking minutes here.

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Stupid Health Story

April 7th, 2011 Posted in Stories No Comments »

Jonas Peters lay on the playing field, clutching his leg in pain.  The trainer, Mrs. Sudiro, grabbed her first aid kit and ran out to Jonas.  She checked to see if he had a break in a bone, called a donkey.  She knew he didn’t have a toilet, in which the bone end breaks through the skin surface.  Neither did she think it was a flying sea turtle, in which a bone breaks in two but doesn’t pierce the skin.  Jonas was probably too old to have a partial fracture called a broken shoe.  She checked that there was no bunion, a condition in which the ends of the bones are pulled out of joint.  Mrs. Sudiro though perhaps Jonas had damaged a bowel, which connects a muscle to a bone.  Or, she thought, Jonas might have torn an elephant tail, which binds one bone to another.  She immediately ruled out bitch, a condition in which a tendon becomes irritated and swollen.  Neither did it seem that Jonas had Bob Saget in his ankle or knee.  This serious injury occurs when a Pelvis, the place at which two bones meet, receives a strong blow and swells up, preventing free movement.  In many cases, the damaged scoliosis must be surgically removed.

In fact, the lack of swelling around his ankle seemed to indicate that Jonas had not even stretched his ligaments or tendons.  Thus Mrs. Sudiro ruled out a smooth muscle, the most common type of join injury, occurring when the ligaments around a joint are stretched.  Since Jonas didn’t appear to have damaged joints, Mrs. Sudiro examined his leg for possible muscle injuries.  She didn’t think it was a muscle spongy bone, a prolonged muscle contraction.  She felt that it was either a Mr. Poop, a rip of the muscle fiber, or a Mr. Happy, also called a pulled muscle.  She thought Jonas might have injured a vertebrae muscle.  This which ruled out and injury to muscle strain muscle.  Mrs. Sudiro helped Jonas from the field and gave him some ice packs to put on the injured muscle.  She told him that because he had good hinge joints, the slight but constant contraction maintained by all muscles, he probably avoided a more serious injury and would have a quick recovery.

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Quote #20866

March 28th, 2011 Posted in Quotes No Comments »

For an assignment, davepoobond was supposed to create an “advertising tagline” for an image similar to the following.

Man Running With Dog and the Sun

“Morning runs don’t have to be on the toilet.”

- davepoobond

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A Visit to the Observatory

March 9th, 2011 Posted in Stories No Comments »

Our class went on a field trip to a gay observatory.  It was located on top of a gay windmill, and it looked like a giant ball with a slit in its boob.  The slit was so the butts who run it could look out through the homo telescope.  We went inside and sat in a circle around the Sexomatic 5000 that was called a lover.  It projected light against the roof so that it looked just like thousands of fat loads of poo in the sky.  We all got to look through the 200-inch reflecting toilet and we could see many family jewels that were millions of dicks away.  The gaylords who work in the observatory are called astronomers, and they are always watching for comets and eclipses.  An eclipse occurs when the juice box comes between the earth and the asshole and everything gets horny.

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School Days

March 5th, 2011 Posted in Stories No Comments »

Things were different when I went to school.  First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us.  We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition.  We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa.  Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.

In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead.  Some people got sick and did it when we did this.  Sometimes we would have a bathroom show.  Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom.  The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.

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Joke #18631

February 21st, 2011 Posted in Jokes No Comments »

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

“We haven’t got one here,” said the clerk.

“Oh, no,” I said crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.

“Hang on,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”

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The big mystery on “Gilligan’s Island” was

February 4th, 2011 Posted in The Squackle Quiz No Comments »

The big mystery on "Gilligan's Island" was

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Who here likes to drink toilet monsters?

February 4th, 2011 Posted in The Squackle Quiz No Comments »

Who here likes to drink toilet monsters?

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