Quote #23709

ATTN: Don’t hit me up if you are not ready to go

I love to suck****and ball and ride a big****until it cum to book me its 15 b4 i leave my house and 50 dollar when i get to ur house its for 1 hour please have ur address and cell # ready if your not bookin me today do not message me please don not message me for convo u will get no reply thanx now let me come milk u”

– from a girl’s dating profile

 

Quote #23703

My Self Summary

“DONT ASK TO KNOW ME ASK TO PAY ME..U THINK I CARE ABOUT STUPID RELASTIONSHIPS OR SQUARE SHIT …I’m foxx I like tats Fashion money cars cloths nd girls I hate gay dudes meaning street dudes that like anal.. #nasty#downlow#notcool… stay away anal likers”

You Should Message Me If

“U tryna get money turn up.. see sum strippers I hate dum questions I’M a escort let’s clear the air… so don’t ask ..talk money lean pills and dro.. that’s the only thing im into..fucc u getting to know.me or me knowing u..let’s get to the point”

– from a girl’s “dating” profile

 

Squacklecast Episode 2 – “We Planned This Out”

This entry is part 2 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello again, faithful Squacklers!  This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.”  Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!

The Schticky Commercial:

Vince Offer was arrested for an altercation with a prostitute.

And here’s his mugshot!

Vince Offer should just get a lavalier mic.  But he insists on using his stupid headset.

The Shamwow Spanish commercial:

The SlapChop!

The Better Marriage Blanket

American Reunion is coming out.

American Pie: The Naked Mile was pretty dumb.

Shannon Elizabeth could carry a movie by herself as a stereotypical foreigner.

End of Days is probably better than Collateral Damage.

John Leguizamo’s List of Victims

There was a lot of innuendo in Home Alone 2.

Training Day is a lot more like Home Alone 2 than you might care to realize…

Home Alone 3 was also a travesty.

There were only two black guys in Glory, a movie about a black-american regiment in the Civil War.

Dr. Who should reunite all the James Bonds in a “reunion” movie.

Little Man should be re-released in 3D.

Song of the South should be released in 3D, too.  But its in the Disney Vault’s Secret Chamber, never to be seen again.

Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer – more like red haired guy vs. black guy with a machine gun!

Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:

Someone getting hurt or killed during a robbery should be a given, shouldn’t it?

Ca$h is the movie where Sean Bean dies twice.

Thanks for tuning in!  Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

 

Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun

This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There’s this cat, right.  And he likes to harass this mouse, see.  And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment.  This cat is like a bible basher, but worse.  He’s a murderer.

The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house.  But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse.  Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse.  It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.

Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat.  But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat.  Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.

So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm.  He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat.  Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.

Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.

Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him.  But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt.  Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.

The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird.  The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl.  Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill.  Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?

The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole.  To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside.  So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.

The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea.  Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house.  So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake.  Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”

Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.

 

Joke #9263: Bridge Over the River Quiet

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . ” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time because the bus doesn’t leave until morning!”

 

I Was Walking Down the Street Phrases

– One day I was walking down the street when a tree bit me in the ass.

– One day I was walking down the street when a panda began to spank me and call me nancy.

– One day I was walking down the street and a dolphin took a crap on me.

– One day I was walking down the street and I was ambushed by a group of gay lawyers wearing tutu’s.

– One day I was walking down the street when a baboon walked up to me and pinched my behind.

– One day I was walking down the street when I realized my bosom was showing so I buried myself in a sewage tank and began to sing christmas carols.

– One day I was walking down the street and saw two squirrels doin it doggy style on top of a parked car.

– One day I was walking down the street when a monkey came and took my pants.

– One day I was walking down the street and a albanian prostitute tickled me.

– One day I was walking down the street and saw a man filming pornography in a tree.

– One day I was walking down the street when an eel slapped me.

– One day I was walking down the street and I saw a man named Bubba removing a white substance from his eye (god knows what it was).