After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the $1.57 they claimed I still owed.
Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years.
My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.
Everything is double, clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I’ve had to remind him that…
talc is cheap.
Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating…
“If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, “Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?” Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, “Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, “those lesson plans were covered in the grant.”
Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, ‘I can make this putt.’
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet…and George is too.
Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean, and the clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
Cassie thought a moment and then replied, “Well, I don’t think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps.”
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
Says George: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”
Q: What did the accountant do in the circus?
A: He juggled the books.
Q: Why did the man look for buried treasure in the dragon’s cave?
A: He was seeking flame and fortune.
Q: Why did Captain Hook go to the thrift shop?
A: He wanted to find a second-hand bargain.
Yesterday some douchebag wanted to buy a pencil and he only had like 95 cents. I told him the pencil he was interested in buying was 1.08 with tax. And he was all, “can’t I just bring the rest of the money later?”
I told him, “No, you’re about 9 cents short and I can’t let things out of the store without it being paid for.”
“Really? 9 Cents? You won’t let it go for 9 cents?”
At first I thought he was being sarcastic/joking but then it became apparent he was actually pissed as he started shaking his head and cursing under his breath.
Like, what the fuck do you want me to do, asshole? Short my register for your sorry “can’t afford 9 more cents” ass? Or pull money out of my pocket for you?
Fuck you! Fuckin’ asshole!
A duck with a Band-Aid on his nose went to see his doctor.
“Are you hear about your beak?” asked the nurse.
“No,” said the duck, “I’m here about my bill.”
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: ‘Nun of Your Business.’