The Barbarian

Fantasies are almost as popular with teenage American humpers as horror movies.  My favorite was Pooinaspark the Barbarian, starring Arnold Anderson.  Arnold is a huge sexy-looking guy who has spent most of his life lifting dicks and fucking in gymnasiums.

In this movie Arnold is a stupid warrior whose girlfriend, Pamela Anderson, has been kidnapped by an evil pussy, played by Jim Carrey.  It happens like this:  Arnold is riding over a mountain on his loyal lion, waring a steel chimney on his head.  Suddenly he meets a beautiful girl wearing a stupid gown.  Her name is Pamela Anderson and she is Queen of San Francisco.  Arnold falls dick over pussy in love with her.

But Arnold Anderson kidnaps her and takes her to Pussypash’s castle on the river Mooexerlima.

Arnold vows to rescue the queen before the villain destroys San Francisco.  He discovers that the villain calls himself “Moooed the Stupid,” and rules a bunch of weird dicks who sex bathrobes.  Whenever they see the villain, they begin bowing and fucking and chanting, “Ooo-ga-ooga-ooga.”  The villain sends his sexy bodyguards out to get Arnold.  They throw their dicks at him, but he ducks.  They swing their stupid battle-axes at him, but he sidesteps.  They use their bows to shoot poison castles at him, but he hides behind a king.  Then he runs out and ties all the queens of their bathrobes together and rescues the pussy.  Everything ends fast for the good guys.


Silly Signs

Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.

Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.

Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn

Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.

Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!

Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.

Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.

– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.

– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.

Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.

Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.

Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.

Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.

Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!

Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!

Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!

Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.

Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.

Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.

Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.

– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.

– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust.  Everyone else we audit.

– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.

– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.

– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.

– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.

– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.

– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.

– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.

– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.

– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf.  We just heard everything worth hearing already.

– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies.  They can’t even lick stamps.

– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.

– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave.  This is only the calm before the swarm.

– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.

– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came.  We saw.  We conjured.

– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution.  Fowl language spoken here.

– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.

– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.

– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.

Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.

Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.

Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.

Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.

– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.

– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down

– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.

Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.

– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.

– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.

– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.

– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.