#22497: Automatic Man -> davepoobond

Automatic Man messaged me what I had written on Squackle as an update…

Automatic Man: Yesterday, I was driving on a freeway back from KFC, with a large (the really big one) box of Popcorn Chicken (mmh mmh do I love Popcorn Chicken) when all of a sudden something brown flew through the air and then smashed into my windwhield and made two huge holes in it. Glass flew everywhere, and I don’t know what the hell it was or whether someone threw it or if it got thrown up by another car’s tires. If it was someone throwing it, I want to kill them, because now I have to replace the windshield of the Turbo Diesel Ground Force (the name of my car).

Automatic Man: ahahahaaha

Automatic Man: it was me!

davepoobond: wtf?

davepoobond: what are you talkin about

davepoobond: you didn’t throw that shit

Automatic Man: shhh! yes i did

davepoobond: what was it then

Automatic Man: a big brown thing, possibly a rock

davepoobond: unh hunh..

Automatic Man: its true

davepoobond: why aren’t you more specific

Automatic Man: cuz i was high at the time

Automatic Man: because i got high

Automatic Man: becuase i got high

davepoobond: i saw you right after i came into the school parking lot, jackass

Auto response from Automatic Man: stupid research paper! brb

Automatic Man: ya i drive and run just that fast

Automatic Man: mmm english muffin

Automatic Man: >:o

davepoobond: english muffins are good toasted

davepoobond: you know what else is good toasted?

davepoobond: the En Vogue CD “funky DIVAS”

Automatic Man: lol

Automatic Man: i had a toasted english muffin with yogurt butter on it (its like butter, but made from yogurt so its not as bad for you)

davepoobond: yeah i have that yogurt butter crap too

davepoobond: its good

davepoobond: better than substitute shit

Automatic Man: brummel and brown baby

davepoobond: yeahhh!

davepoobond: me too

davepoobond: the big ol’ tubs

Automatic Man: its good shit

Automatic Man: i have a small 1

davepoobond: we used to get small ones

Automatic Man: but we dont use it that much

davepoobond: they stopped sellin them small or something

davepoobond: there’s these tubs

davepoobond: that last about a month or something

Automatic Man: hmmm

davepoobond: around here anyway

Automatic Man: like a regular size butter 1? or the gigantic dave size TUBs?

davepoobond: you know the “i can’t believe its not butter” tubs

davepoobond: that size

Automatic Man: ya

Automatic Man: thats wut i have

Automatic Man: bout 3 inches in diamter

davepoobond: its a pound

Automatic Man: hmm

Automatic Man: i dunno

davepoobond: it says what it weighs on there

Automatic Man: but were having too deep a conversation about butter

davepoobond: its not butter

davepoobond: its 35% veggie oil

Automatic Man: whatever the hell it is

davepoobond: 25% yogurt

davepoobond: and the rest is butter i guess

Automatic Man: lol

davepoobond: do you know who En Vogue is

Automatic Man: singer?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: its a group

davepoobond: of 4 black females

Automatic Man: oh

Automatic Man: o well

davepoobond: there’s a movie named “duets”

davepoobond: and i have the soundtrack for some reason

davepoobond: it has the guy from big fat liar that was colored blue

davepoobond: i dont know his name

Automatic Man: o

davepoobond: did you finish your research paper

Automatic Man: not yet

Automatic Man: almost

davepoobond: i’ve got 8 pgs

davepoobond: 8 full pgs

Automatic Man: oh

Automatic Man: well

Automatic Man: see right now im using wordpad cuz this POS comp doesnt have word so i have to move it to my good comp after i finish so i can actually break it down into PAGES

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: the spice girls are kinda funny

Auto response from Automatic Man: id like to talk, but im on the home stretch of my research paper, and i wanna finish soon

 

Joke #18711

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says, ‘Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s three dollars a pound!'”

 

Joke #18681

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.”

 

Joke #9290: Cream of Weight

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?””

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”