I got a text message from some random number. So, as I usually like to have fun with these kinds of things, the following ensues:
Dee: Marcel? It’s dee
davepoobond: Hey baby what’s up how you doin
Dee: Hi lol I’ve been pretty good actually. Wbu?
davepoobond: O u kno jus chillin
davepoobond: N e plns 4 tonite
2 hours later
davepoobond: Yo you there?
5 hours later, at 1:57 AM she texts me again. (I was sleeping. Who the fuck texts back at 2 AM in the morning?)
Dee: My bad, my phone died. I was helping my cousin move
I wait until about 5:30 the next day and send her…
davepoobond: Hey what up dee what you up to
Dee: Whos this
davepoobond: What are you talkin bout
Dee: Who’s this*
davepoobond: Who is what
davepoobond: This is marcel
Dee: Which one? Lol what’s your last name
davepoobond: Why u askin how many marcels u kno?
davepoobond: Wait who is this
Dee: I know a few, and it’s dee. So which is it?
davepoobond: Which dee is this
davepoobond: U there?
Dammit! My like-a-black-guy texting didn’t convince her or something happened that tipped her off that she was texting the wrong person.
Barney is a dinosaur who just died yesterday.
We stuffed his body in a card board box and sent it.
Who did we send it to?
We sent it to baby bop.
Baby Bop threw up and now we’ll have to clean it up!
Barney is perished so we threw a party!
Tagged People: Alex
Q: What’s brown, bubbling, and knocking on a window?
A: A black baby in the microwave.
After his wife had a baby, Michael Jackson asked the doctor when it would be OK to have sex again.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid was at least 12 or 13 years old.
Q: If it annoys you, you nuke it. What is it?
A: A dead smelly baby.
Tagged People: Go Somewhere Else!
“My newly born baby, now one month old, had chronic diaper rash. Several doctors had tried to get it to go away…nothing seemed to work, she continued to be raw and sore. She cried all the time. I tried your Chickweed Healing Salve, putting it on that night. By the next morning she was much better. After using it for 2 days, she was completely cured. She is now a beautiful baby. She doesn’t cry anymore.”
- from a spam e-mail
Q: What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s Pop corn?
“Cailyn is Hot!!! -> Hotter than hot -> hotter than a set of twin babies”
- from somewhere around davepoobond’s school
Tagged People: davepoobond
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! CAN’T!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife!” I cried.
“It’s perfectly normal,” he reassured me, “She’s just having her contractions.”
What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..
Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart - If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus – See The Wife.
My partner - He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
“Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.”
“It’s okay.” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”