Q: If it annoys you, you nuke it. What is it?
A: A dead smelly baby.
Tag Archives: baby
Quote #21046
“My newly born baby, now one month old, had chronic diaper rash. Several doctors had tried to get it to go away…nothing seemed to work, she continued to be raw and sore. She cried all the time. I tried your Chickweed Healing Salve, putting it on that night. By the next morning she was much better. After using it for 2 days, she was completely cured. She is now a beautiful baby. She doesn’t cry anymore.”
– from a spam e-mail
Joke #20853
Q: What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s Pop corn?
Quote #20259
“Cailyn is Hot!!! -> Hotter than hot -> hotter than a set of twin babies”
– from somewhere around davepoobond’s school
Joke #18719
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”
Joke #18714
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! CAN’T!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife!” I cried.
“It’s perfectly normal,” he reassured me, “She’s just having her contractions.”
What Your Pet Name Really Means
What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..
Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus – See The Wife.
My partner – He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.
Joke #18557
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
“Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.”
“It’s okay.” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”
Joke #18551
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.”
Joke #18536
Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
“Honey,” said a woman behind me, “I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve.”
The man in front of me piped up… “You’d better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your nerves, they can stay there till they’re 18.”
Joke #18488
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”
Joke #18484
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, “I’ve got the head now; just a few more minutes.”
“Is it a girl or boy?” I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell by the ears.”
Joke #18465
My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.
Everything is double, clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I’ve had to remind him that…
talc is cheap.
Joke #18350
Q: What has four wheels and diaper rash?
A: A baby in a shopping cart.
Joke #18347
Q: What do baby ships like after a nighttime story?
A: Someone to lug them into bed.