Page 30 of 1,346« First...1020...2829303132...4050607080...Last »

Quote #22704

January 1st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Right now my friend is actually writing this because I am currently texting people happy new years (though she knows me well enough to write from my POV lol)…”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22703

January 1st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | 1 Comment »

“I love Mexican music because of my ethnicity and family :)”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22701

December 31st, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I have deep hazel eyes, SMALL SOFT BREAST , a dazzling smile that could light up any room, a vivacious and welcoming personality that can spice you up in a millisecond, and a sensual feminine voice that will excite you for days. Unlike some of the actual “girls” on here, I am completely 100% femenine. and if u havent figured it out yes im transsexual meaning i once was a man, i still have the part…”

– from a “girl’s” dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22700

December 31st, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I live my life as a WOMAN, because to the naked eye and to the rest of the world, I am a WOMAN ‘aside from my little secret hehe.'”

– from a “girl’s” dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Max the Lovelorn Bear

December 26th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories | No Comments »

There once was a bear named Max.  He was a hopeless romantic who spent his days smelling flowers and eating bark off of trees for the cleanliness of his teeth.  He would always try to find the perfect flower to give to one of his many potential mates.

Natasha the Big Brown Bear was the skankiest bear in all of The NeighborWood, also known as “The Wood.”  She would climb trees and then eat the acorns out of their shells and then spit them at other bears.  She was so annoying.  This one time she spat an acorn shell on the mayor of The Wood, Mayor Hunstingson.  She was kicked out of the city for three days and had to direct traffic from the neighboring city ForesTown to and fro.  Traffic duty is pretty much the worst duty you could do in The Wood since everyone is an idiot and doesn’t know how to drive their cars.

Max found a Red Mistberry Flower growing in a ravine north of the NeighborWood Nuclear Factory.  He thought it smelled so good that he picked it and decided to give it to Natasha as a gesture of affection.  He thought since Natasha would be all alone on the Bearway Pass between NeighborWood and ForesTown, he could make his move.

It was an unfortunate misplacing of romantic intentions for Max.  Natasha had the IQ of a baboon, and the brain of one, too.  That’s why she’s so stupid.  Because she isn’t a bear, she is a baboon in the body of a bear.  Too bad for Max because she had a booty like DANGGGG!!!!!  Natasha ate his Red Mistberry Flower and spat the seeds at him when he presented it to her.

All spat on, heartbroken, and no one to love, Max went back to his den made out of bricks.  It was a nice den, but watch out if he wanted to fart because IT’S MADE OF BRICKS!!!!!  You may not get it, but sure.

The next week, Max found a flower called the Junior Talap Wishmaker.  It was the perfect type of flower to give to Allison the Green Bear.  Why was she green?  Because she is soooooo cool.  That’s why!  She’s like one of those chicks you see on BizarroBook who is friends with someone you know but sticks out like a sore thumb in their friends list.  So, Allison the Green Bear was at the local record store Bear-cords, smelling the guitar tablature books.  She liked the very minor temporary high the glue gave her.  Max came in, holding the large flower between his teeth, trotting down the aisle in a triumphant fashion.  Allison looked over to see Max presenting her with the flower.  She smelled it, but it did not give her even the slightest amusement.  Her swollen red eyes watered as the flowers pungent smell filled her sinuses.  She stood up on two legs and sneezed right onto Max’s face.  Max dropped the flower in astonishment and suddenly he was teleported back to his brick den.  The Junior Talap Wishmaker would grant one wish to anyone who sneezed on the face of the person that had picked (aka murdered) the flower.  In this case, Allison wished for Max to go away.

For two weeks, Max was again depressed and lacking in the macking.  He searched high and low for the next flower that would really impress his new love, Calista the Model Bear.  Calista spent most of her days at the NeighborWood Hidden Lake Resort, poolside, tanning in the moonlight.  The moonlight tanning fad had become a mandated regiment by the bear modeling agency known as Bear-It-All, and was forcing all of their famous bear models to take part in the tanning procedure which consisted of placing a huge amplification telescope above the tanner and focus the beam onto them until they became glowing with moon radiation.

Max was able to catch a spaceship to the Moon and picked a Moonflower for Calista since she seemed to like the Moon and he thought if he got this rare and special Moonflower which you could be arrested for if you picked it because there’s only like three of them left, so it makes it even MORE romantic because he committed a crime to show his love and chicks fall over for that stuff like a domino in a hurricane.

Max was seen by the Moonflower Security Response Team and for the next three days he was in the middle of a Western-Sci-Fi-style laser gunfight and spaceship dogfight campaign to get the flower back to the Earth.  Needless to say, and really the point I’m trying to make, is that Max did a lot to get this flower and it was a lot of effort.

After killing 67 members of the security team, they finally let him go.  Max gained the nickname the Moonflower Assassin for his cunning flower picking skills and being able to elude all of the security around the illustrious Moonflower.

Max , dressed in his space fighter leather jacket, with 67 tally marks on his right shoulder and “Moonflower Assassin” written in capital letters across his back, journeyed up the mountain to the Hidden Lake Resort.  Standing on two legs, he presented the Moonflower to Calista.

“Ugh, what is that?  I don’t even LIKE flowers… harrumph!”  Calista put the cucumbers back on her eyes and began to ignore Max again.

Max fell backward and the Moonflower, encased in its little forcefield blasted off towards the moon, to return to its nest.

Later next week, Max was escorted to the Emergency Sex Change Room.  He had absolutely no luck with women so he decided he wanted to try being one so that he could learn how to make one like him.

He hated flowers forever.

The end.

Moral of the story:  If you only have two minutes to think up a moral to explain your story, you’re doing it wrong.

-~-

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22696

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

(This girl’s profile picture is literally just her huge cleavage)

“Sex sex sex what else would i want out of this site? People who say want a relationship are fakes and flakes on here. All they want is ****. If you can prove me wrong on what i just said then cool. So with that said… Dont waste my time and be straight forward on what you want. Im done being the nice girl… Im ready to be kinky and naughty!!!!!

white boy is a must! No Hispanics specially no black guys.. Sorry just not my type. And no Asians!!! 1000% White caucasians and disease free!!!!”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , , , , ,

+1-1 (+2 rating, 2 votes)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22695

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Gods my Daddy and always will be.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22694

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I work, save, and I have a car. I believe that everyone, man or woman, should do the same…”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22692

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Just an FYI: I do have a boyfriend right now, but things are going downhill from my eyes. There’s this girl that likes him, and seems like she never dated a nice guy before so I made my boyfriend go on a date with her. (See? I’m a totally nice, understanding girl!) But lately he’s been pretty…I don’t know. I’m just not really happy with him anymore. And now I’m too lazy to type so I’ll just end it here…

Ok I’m back again cuz i feel like talking!! :)

Updates: My boyfriend and I are back together…haha sorry! He knows that I’m on this site, and he’s ok with me meeting a guy that’s safe and worth my time. (Anyway, he owes me! I let him date another girl!)”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , ,

+1-1 (+1 rating, 1 votes)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22691

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Im going to college to become a preschool teaching trying to become a preschool teacher thats my passion and my profession.I like to go the computer and watch tv and watch movies too and I love to go swim.
I dont act like anybody else or be something Im not.I like all kinds types of music except Jazz.I like to go partying and drinking just have a good time. And I love beer and I love to smoke weed and hookah. I want to just to find nice,good and sweet,kind gentle man guy.Ive never been to a rave or strip club yet at all.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , , , ,

+1-1 (+1 rating, 1 votes)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22690

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

The six things I could never do without

“bra, undies, clean water, pen, glasses, and a voice.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22689

December 19th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“First & foremost please don’t message me about sex, paying my bills, & wanting to marry me. I’m not interested & I can pay my own bills.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22687

December 16th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I love reading, i’m a big book worm. lol i used to get in trouble when i was little becasue i would be up at night reading instead of sleeping.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

Quote #22685

December 10th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“This car is my sister in law and my brother I love there car”

– from a girl’s dating profile

-~-

Tags: , , , ,

+1-1 (Heart or Hate?)
Loading...Loading...

The Asinine Boyfriend Expectations List Breakdown

December 10th, 2012 Posted in Screwed Up Chronicles | No Comments »

I found this ridiculously asinine list of apparent requirements that some random stupid girl threw up on her dating profile.  Since it was so terrible, I decided to break down each line of it.  It should be noted that this was found on a not-very-attractive “high skool” math teacher’s page.  I doubt she actually wrote it, but who knows with these things.

The original image is attached at the bottom of the post.

I want a boyfriend who:

- “Isn’t going to call other girls cute.”

Wow, how paranoid and/or low self-esteem do you have to be to actually put a stranglehold on whoever you consider to be your actual boyfriend to restrict them from ever calling another girl “cute.”  Wow.  CUTE is the barrier?  A 10 year old could be construed as “cute” — is this person going to become super jealous if that happens?  I assume the obvious point of stating this to begin with is that they don’t want their theoretical boyfriend to look at other girls, but the catch-all low-standard requirement just seems like a good way to be controlling of said boyfriend rather than being more afraid about having them, at worst, cheat on you.

- “Isn’t going to like other girl’s facebook photo.”

Despite the terrible grammar, that this is #2 on the list absolutely boggles the mind.  Note that half of this world is made up of women, and most people in this world at least know one person that is a girl that they might be a Facebook friend with.  I would guess that simply being a Facebook friend with a girl is an infinitely more expressive notion to having some sort of infidelity going on with friends that are girls you might have, let alone liking some stupid fucking picture.  It’s okay to have cyber sex in private messages and talk about how many handjobs you would give in 30 minutes, but if you’re liking a photo, HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT, THE GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO SMOTHER YOU WITH THAT PILLOW WHILE YOU SLEEP.

- “Would text me good morning/goodnight texts :)”

Boring.  Every single fucking day?  Come on.  Don’t people have different sleeping schedules, anyway?  I would assume that someone who is this controlling would want to be with their boyfriend 100% of the time anyway so wishing for these texts are irrelevant in their very basic logical form.

- “Actually makes an attempt to spend a day with me.”

I like that “makes an attempt” is the standard.  I guess it excuses anyone from actually having to spend a full day with this idiot.

- “Doesn’t want to rush things and isn’t just after sex.”

I already feel like this person wants to be married after the prior requirements.  Who’s the real person rushing things?

- “I can be my complete self around.”

Because there are apparently multiple “selves” running around separated and once they are completed they shall combine into the Slime Lord, a hopelessly clingy and needy ultimate biological girlfriend that you don’t want.  And Slime Lord is apparently in an “around” shape.  I guess.

- “I can take silly pictures with.”

Isn’t that cute.  WHOOPS!  Let’s just take some silly pictures, girlfriend!  It’ll be lots of fun!  Never mind having any sort of commonalities in our interests or personalities.  Just as long as we can take silly pictures, it’s good!

- “I can play xbox with.”

Despite the fact that Xbox sucks because you have to pay an additional fee to access any online fees, this girl probably only likes to play Call of Duty or at best Halo.  Considering the rest of the list leaves no room for imagination in perhaps other types of games that might actually be more complex than “shoot the bad guyz” I could see this as a string of very painful experiences.  Most of the pain would come from split-screen multiplayer.  Yuck.

- “I can wrestle with.”

Wow.

- “I can cuddle with.”

Cuddling is less important than wrestling.

- “Respects me and my decisions.”

What this actually means is:  “Here’s my fucking list and if you don’t fucking like it you can go fuck yourself.”  I think I’d rather fuck myself, thank you very much!

Also, it might be a bit of irony that this is the last in her list.  I guess being able to wrestle and take silly pictures with someone is more important that having respect from a theoretical boyfriend.

I want a boyfriend who

-~-

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Tagged People:

+1-1 (+3 rating, 3 votes)
Loading...Loading...



Page 30 of 1,346« First...1020...2829303132...4050607080...Last »