Joke #21214: Tarzan Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”

 

Joke #21206: Soy Toy

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

 

Joke #21019: Second Grade Sex-Ed

In a second grade sex-ed class, a little girl raised her hand to ask a question…

Little girl: Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?

Teacher: How old is she?

Little girl: Forty

Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.

Little girl: Teacher, can my big sister get pregnant?

Teacher: Well, how old is she?

Little girl: Nineteen.

Teacher: Yes, she certainly can get pregnant.

Little girl: Teacher, can I get pregnant?

Teacher: Umm…how old are you?

Little girl: Seven and two quarters

Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.

Little boy sitting behind Little girl (nudging her): See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. (He sticks out his tongue.)

 

Joke #21018: Voodoo Dick

A guy goes on vacation, and finds a rare an exotic porn shop. He goes in and asks the clerk if he has anything special that he could give to his wife.

The guys says that he has a “voodoo dick” which is a one of a kind dildo that fucks whatever you tell it to on demand. The buyer doesn’t believe him and asks for a demonstration. The clerk says, “voodoo dick the door” and the dildo immediately humps the door so vigorously that it falls down. The guy agrees to buy it for a tidy sum, and the clerk tells him to remember that the only way to get it to stop is to say “voodoo dick off.”

So the guy brings it home and his wife is thrilled. The next day while he’s at work, she quickly gets it out and says, “voodoo dick my pussy”. After an hour of this, she has to get ready for work, but she can’t remember how to turn it off, so she tries to drive to her husbands work with the voodoo dick in her.

Unfortunately, she can’t drive like this and swerves all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls her over and asks what the problem is. She scream, “I can’t get this voodoo dick to stop humping me!”

And the police officer quickly responds, “voodoo dick my ass.”

 

Joke #11341

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they’re having trouble making love. “Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?” asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says “OK.”

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says “Well, things look pretty good to me, you don’t seem to have any problems.” To which the couple respond with “things don’t feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance?.”

The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says “Look, I really don’t see any problem here, in fact I wish my love-making was as good. Why do you keep coming back?”

The young man says “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don’t make much money. She’s married to this other guy who works from home so we can’t go there. I can’t afford to take her to a motel. This place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.”