Joke #5215: Mating Calls

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

 

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean.”

 

She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.”

 

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

 

The Huge Man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

 

Bob says, “No, what do you mean?”

 

“You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

 

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. “May I help you?”

 

Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”

 

“But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…”

 

“Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”

 

Joke #5214: Gotta Go

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn’t find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”

“I gotta go, man,” replied the tourist.

“You can’t go here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “whiz away.”

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. “Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.

“No. This is the American Embassy.”

 

Joke #5213: Birds and the Bees

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

 

Joke #5212: Soup Du Jour

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”

“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”

The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.

“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”

 

Joke #5211: Hands on Experience

One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case. The supervisor said, “Because I’m smarter than you. That’s why!” The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, “Hit my hand.” The worker said, “Nah, I ain’t gonna hit your hand!” But the supervisor insisted.

So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor’s hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, “See. That’s why I’m smarter than you.”

The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, “What did he say?” The worker replied, “Let’s put it this way…” then he paused. He looked around and said, “Well, there don’t seem to be any telephone poles around here.” So he put his hand in front of his face and said, “Alright, try to hit my hand.”

 

Joke #5210: Holy Collections

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

 

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.

 

The priest explains, “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God.”

 

The minister says, “Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.”

 

The rabbi then proclaims, “Brothers we are in agreement! I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can keep…”

 

Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up

Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”

 

Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

 

So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.

 

I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

 

I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.

 

I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.

 

I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”

 

One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

 

I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”

 

I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.

 

I lost a buttonhole.

 

Joke #5208: Groundhog Day

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

 

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

 

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

 

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

 

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

 

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

 

Joke #5207: Retiring Rabbi

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin’s he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man “Can you do anything with these?”

The man says “No problem, come back in two weeks.”

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman “After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!?!”

The man replies “Don’t worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase.”

 

Joke #5206: The Final Exam

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit. “Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?”

“Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.”

 

Joke #5205: Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.” His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?” The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.” After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7.” Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can’t fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more. Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”

 

Joke #5204: Broken Leg

“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked.

‘I’m sure.’

‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’

‘I reckon not,'”

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “it dawned on me what she meant, and I fell off the roof!”

 

Joke #5202: Johnny’s Smoking

A guy’s walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. “Hey kid, you’re too young to smoke.”

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

“How old are you?”

“Six,” Johnny says.

“Six? When did you start smoking?”

“Right after the first time I got laid.”

“Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”

Johnny says, “I don’t remember, I was drunk.”

 

Joke #5201: Catch It

There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, “Where are you going with that chicken wire?” The boy says, “To catch chickens!” The man says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape. “Where you going with duct tape, boy?” “To catch ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” “Watch!” says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again. The old man says, ” Where you going with that stick?” The boy says, “This ain’t no stick, this here is a pussy willow.” The old man says, “Wait here so I can grab my hat and I’ll be right with ya!”