The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home.
That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, “We’re Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass.”
“Were Jewish,” said another child. “And we’re going to have a Hanukkah celebration.”
Madison chimed in, “We’re Texans, and were going to have a barbecue.”
Shortly after Sonny Bono’s untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge.
He mentioned that his father had been Sonny and Cher’s chief publicist, and had stayed with Sonny after the couple’s domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that only Sonny’s picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably well despite his humble beginnings.
“I don’t understand,” he puzzled. I explained: “Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher cropper.”
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
The bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me, “but if that dog hadn’t honked…”
LONDON – What’s the old saying…I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it!
A cleaning lady at London’s Tate Britain art gallery clearly didn’t know the creation she was throwing away was art…but we can hardly blame her because what she was throwing away was trash.
German artist Gustav Metzger’s work consisted of cardboard and paper wrapped in a plastic see-through trash bag.
When the cleaning lady came in at night and saw a bag of trash sitting on the floor she threw it in the dumpster.
Imagine the artist’s chagrin when he came in the next morning and found his ‘piece’ missing. But all’s well that ends well. The trash was dug out of the trash and put back on display, only a little worse for wear.
While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old evidently got the 60’s mixed up with the 21st century.
Instead of singing along, “Goin’ to the chapel/ And we’re gonna get married,” I heard him sing, “Goin’ to the chat room/ And we’re gonna get married.”
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”
“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an eye test.
They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asks.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “Heck, I know the guy.”
Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to ‘good manure’ that must be used on flowers.
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, “Bess, can’t you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?”
The First Lady replied, “Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say ‘manure’.”
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious-looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.
“What on earth are you up to? What happened?!” he demanded.
“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of the brick.”
A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.
The cop looked at her and said, “Hmmm…I’m going to put you down for fifty-five.”
She turned to her husband. “See! I told you this hat makes me look old.”
We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
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Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and…
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
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EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida”, you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in Paradise (a.k.a. “The Sunshine State”).